My Chestnut Dreams

I woke up one day to a soft dewy morning, looking up at a chestnut tree, in a house on a hill.

The sky was overcast most of the time these days, but I waited for a moment, just in time to let the cloud pass the tree, before we took this photograph.




Even if for just a moment, the azure skies made me feel warm, and hopeful again.

Black Eyed Peas Meet and Greet Pics

Laurie, Pepsico International, Apl.de.ap of the Black Eyed Peas, Jun, Fergie (BEP), Taboo (BEP), moi, Paolo of Pepsi at my back, Will.i.am (BEP), and James.

So nice to be back home.

My Body

my body,
hearth with dancing fire,
hear it crackle
hear it sigh,
watch with pleasure
as it dances on life's experiences
feel its embers'
warmth and comfort,
watch it dance
....and die

Off to Tagaytay

The good news is there's a long weekend ahead. I'll drive off to Tagaytay on my own. What would be a good music on a solo drive up at dusk to Tagaytay?

a. chillout drive collection
b. Inner wounds..for wounded hearts collection(pakshet, i'm so over this)
c. ministry of sound collection
d. pacha ibiza 2007 (yes, i want it all!)
e. woman on top (sounds kinda right...)
f. notting hill soundtrack
g. formentera de noche
h. feel so good the smoothest hit collection (sounds appropriate)

Reins, just make sure I have a cool (alcoholic) drink when I get there.

Swag and Dick

Today I learn about swag and dick's theory, all from men who purposefully tries to mold me into becoming a man, or to at least into thinking that i have one of 'em hanging loosely in between my legs.

Swag is deftly swaying to a matrix move by an opponent, boss, client or colleague, putting you on the spot, while all eyes are on you. This is "scientific wild-ass guess", basically, putting on your best poker face and answering without looking like a petulant child or with the ears turning red in consternation. This is learned from experience, and as such, it is best to learn by observing the most experienced from the room, in meetings, or presentations, and to become a student of psychology. Observe the non verbal gestures, note the tension, the tempo, the speech, the sleight of hand, the rise and fall of the voice. Notice how others react to the swag.

The other guy tells me two new rules in life, love and lust. Leave my brain out of it, he says, and don't get pregnant. He tells me to go with the flow and learn to detach, in order to find a new happiness.

walk away

i hope i have the strength to just walk away.
walk without looking back.
walk with sure steps whilst facing the uncertainties of tomorrow.
walk without hearing other voices, and the sound of self doubt,
walk with guidance,walk with faith.

if i can just stop for a moment,
maybe i can walk away.

Black, Blue and You Concert

The surprising thing about the Black Eyed Peas concert,and probably one of the key reasons for their success is this:you are getting all these different artists all in one. Apl has a number, Will has a new single out, while Fergie has her own album. Taboo, well, he has the fewest lines there but it's ok, we all can't be superstars, right?

I'd look at them perform onstage with mostly teenage and young crowd (twenties), and in Bangkok, you have children of expats or expats themselves watching the concert with a 32 ounce beer in one hand. Thai girls all petite, lean and with figure hugging tops and shorts or in minidresses, with long straight hair and makeup gyrating to the beat, taking digicam shots of themselves with the BEP stage at the background, and the success of the Black Eyed Peas is apparent, even with the international crowd. I love the BEPs, but I love danceable tunes anyhow (I love dancing, clubbing), but they are especially great when doing a workout, or you want a wake-upper on the car tuner.

Let me tell you about Fergie, though. She is smoking hot. Her hotness just comes out, engulfing the stadium, enough to infect you, what with her midriffs, little plaid skirt, her beautiful, beautiful waist and abs, and her energy. Take her out and you actually have 3 geeks on stage. With her there, it kind of balances off things. What do I really love about her? She is sexy and casual. She's always in this sexy little outfits (shorts, capris, waist-exposing tops, yes, complete with the tiara, like what Blog girl said),and sneakers or flats, and she can gyrate, pump it up, do cartwheels and sing! At one point, her outfit was unexpected, a tight violet leather pants with a white t-shirt with violet print (Take Control or something), and yes, that ponytail extension that she flipped round and round at the encore when everyone was doing a dance showdown to the words and melody," I'm in Bangkok! I'm in Bangkok!!"

It was fun, even if we had to run to JW Marriott Hotel to catch them for the meet and greet, the 5-minute photo op was worth it. We were star-struck!

October Birthday Celebrants

Greetings to friends celebrating their birthday with beers on this Oktoberfest month.

To Uncle Pards, thank you for allowing us to have parties at your mansion, and next weekend at Tagaytay. To Marks (Buboy and Mark Ranay)and Cha, happy birthday. Nalasing nyo ako. I don't want to drink tequila anymore.

"I'm in Bangkok. I'm in Bangkok!"

Here with my boys Paolo, Jun and James




It was a flurry of activities, highlighted by traffic, chasing after our chartered bus and the Black Eyed Peas...in my spiky high heels.

Overheard (from 40something guys accompanying us in this junket):

marvin: si apl de apl,yung pinoy. Di mo kilala?
jun: sorry huling concert napanuod ko kalapana with kenny rankin
marvin: si apl yung pinoy, yung nakatomahawk
armi (bubble thought): ngeee!!

***
armi to apl: Hi apl! (he says kumusta)
armi to fergie: dutchess... (i almost curtsied, and i notice her very plump lips- injection, and her height- she's petite, and her tiny waistline)
to taboo: (I shake hands with him, knowing his name because I asked my brother Jeru, but still, I said... nothing)
to will.i.am: Will...(I love his color, and his sexy posse for the single Where'd You Get Your Body From?)

I pose in between Taboo and Will, almost stepping on the shiny shoes of taboo. On hindsight, I should've stayed with apl who was wearing a special edition Adidas jacket in the Philippine flag design and colors. Astig!

That wasn't you being sick. That was you being you, wanting me.

The Thing Is....

hindi kame.

So what was he doing there?

What was I doing, getting out the Voltes V DVD I bought months ago, unopened, waiting for this time, opening it and hoping it was indeed Steve Armstrong and the gang instead of He-Man? We watched and I was in awe at this 70s series that had him begging his Papa for the robot toy-- I can't blame him, I wanted one myself as I watch Steve, Mark, Big Burt, Little John and Jaimee volt in (and that was yesterday). We watched and laugh as this (English)Pinoy-dubbed Japanese anime unfolds, imitating the Pinoy accent, and the lack of emotion and energy by the voice talents (Joonee Gamboa had excellent diction and emotion, as Dr. Smith, though). I marvel at how he remembered the storyline for each episode, but what was I doing when I asked to copy his audio CDs of anime songs from Voltes V and Mazinger Z?

What are we doing, crying, asking why all of these had to happen?

What were we doing asking all the questions, that we threw back and forth at each other, not in anger, but in sincere hope that they be answered?

..and why are we both accepting things as they are, believing things will get better, listening, yet unable to let go?

I have learned to take his point of view, and he has learned to accept mine. If love means letting go vs loving as not giving up, what is the compromise? We both said we wanted the other to be happy.

In the end, we were back to where we were before, and after.

The thing is, hindi nga kame...

Lines I Never Thought I'd Hear (Or Say) In My Lifetime

"We're going to war." How epic, I thought. But if we don't take this stance, I am told, people will jump all over you.

"Your place or mine?". Sounds racy, but it's not.

"This is not a negotiation." Yes, in my line of work, I have heard and uttered these words.

In my flight of fantasy, I've also wondered when this other line will made itself manifest:

"Judge, may I approach the bench?" To which, I think, my friend DEP would again tell me, " Don't ask a question you don't know the answer to!"

I obviously watch too much (English) TV. Ha-ha.

It's Complicated

and now my mind just got officially confused...
i saw him again. he let me cry in his arms while he patted my back. kissed my hair.held my hands.

it's so simple, yet so complex.

the alternative to me seems this:

to relax.
no more hounding.
anyone.

At the Spanish Film Festival, Pelicula, I remarked to him that I like these European films because their stories don't always have a Hollywood fairy tale ending, but it all works out in the end.

Maybe just like mine. (But don't ask me what the ending is- I have no idea).

30Something Thinking

distract me,
talk to me about anything, something
confuse me, silence me
with your words,
swirling thoughts...

Before I could get distracted by myself, my call master message tone beeps.

M:12 hours of alcohol. Fun. If i were still in college. Fuckit.

Me: So you're lasing and texting me huh. I'm trying desperately to distract myself from calling the ex

M: Fuckit. Yoko na uminom. And no, october is best spent with non exes. So zip it. ü

Me: Am seated at the throne, writing,nothing coming out (of the writing, and the throne). I just want a dreamless uninterrupted sleep m. Is that too much to ask? Maybe if I drown myself with wine I can. I will.

Me: I'm not calling him or seeing him. It's the brain, confused from lack of sleep. Why am I so stupid when it comes to men? Powtah,gimme some of that beer..

M: Try staring into black empty space.

Me: I definitely have the wrong cd on. Sade will not lead me to black empty space

M: 30mins worth lang of a playlist ha.

Me: Dude bakit may time limit?

M: At the 31st min tulog ka nyan.

M: Try Portishead. ü (the "obscure" CD I asked him to burn for me- a collection of songs from unknown artists. Turns out I have a cd of portishead circa 1998.)

Me: Its not working. And portishead leads me to an abyss. I don't get them. Hahaha

M: Not getting them is good. If you're able to relate, you process. Otherwise its just ambient noise. Take it from a recovering insomniac.

Me: But it is noise. Like the dead calling out to some poor soul to come join them in the abyss.

M: Hehe. U wanted obscure. ü

Me: My lullaby songs these days are Apo-the Original Hit Songs, 10 Years Together and Banda Rito. But my heart is thumping now.

M: Apo! Pakshet thought provoking. As bad as the Hotdogs and VST and Co...For best effect I listen to lounge music. With the subwoof to full.

Me: Nah. Bores me with their sing songy melody. But when I'm awake I love them. Is that weird?

M: Not at all!

Me: Pare for someone who's lasing, your grammar and spelling are still ok. You're very coherent. Inum ka pa

M: You're monitoring my grammar?!

Me: Relax. There's nothing wrong with it.

Me: Ahh. I get it. He's (the ex, there, drinking) with you.

M: Ha! Am with a girl.

Me: Uhmnnnn..then why are you texting me. Panget yan noh.

M: Sos. I do it under the table.

Me: Ok, boring sya. Maganda sya pero boring sya.

M: Korek.

Me: Hahaha. Kakatawa ka. That's good though. Am totally distracted.

****
This is my friend M, who, somehow, ends up texting me when he's drunk, or thinking of getting drunk. Then he disappears...into the abyss once more. I like his short appearances, though. Stimulating.

Metaphors

Woman, who are you?
What defines you?
You are heart and soul
Body and mind
Twisted, convoluted,
Playful, flesh.

Woman, who are you?
You are both hard and soft
Like the twig that wraps around a gazebo
You reach out to the blue skies
Flowering, thriving under the sun.

Woman, who are you?
Are you today the soft dewy scent of lavender?
Or the doe that captures many a man’s fantasy?
Are you the tiger pouncing and growling
Menacing, yet just fiercely protective?

Woman, what are you?
With more than two arms,
A giant heart, a face, a smile for all?
Hard bones, unending charm, sharp wits
And both feet steadfast on the ground.

Shake it, shake her
Upwards and downwards
For her buds to proliferate
Shake it, shake her
You still won’t have a clue.

Woman, what are you?

Dreams

My eyes are now open,
I am awake
But in my dreams you distract me
Confuse me, silence me.
Swirling thoughts go back and forth
You are everywhere and nowhere.

I see you. Talk to me—
Against the cacophony of sounds that linger on,
As I try to be still, while the pained look on your face
Blinds me from the photographs and memories
That I have kept in my heart.

Help me. Breathe me.
I am warm, I am small
In a white casket.
I stood watching
But I am light, I am free.

Talk to me, come to me.
To say goodbye to the past.
I rise again. I embrace, tenderly welcome
this graceful moment
where life offers a chance to start over.
I no longer chase you. I am light, I am free.

Look at me one last time.
For I am no longer me.
My eyes are now open,
I am awake.

Inspiration From Barbara Gonzales

I send in my vignettes to Barbara, and wrote a fan mail. My first.
(Read my Blue and a Lesson for Marilou writeups, October 2007. For some reason my hyperlinks don't show on this blog. Must be the background color?)

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2007 20:11:44 +0800
Subject: Re: Thank you
From: "Barbara C. Gonzalez"
To: "76 Armi

Armi, thank you for sharing all this with me. You are a wonderful person.

The worm of pain that squirms inside you, weep, cry over him, but after a while you will stop. Keep crying for as long as you feel it necessary. Then one day it will be all over, just a memory.

Thank you once more.

On 10/11/07 2:43 PM, "Armi" wrote:

Hi Twee,

This may be spam to you, but I'd like to let you know that so far, I look forward to my Saturdays because of your class. I even fore go of a Boracay trip with friends this weekend because I love being in your class (and I'm glad I wont miss the class on Oct 20 when you'll be off to a wedding, because I will be off too- in Bangkok). I would like to share with you how I thought of the class, as we progressed.

Finally, I would like to say Thank You, for having this class, sharing your talent, and inspiring me to be a more courageous woman.

10/1/07

We sit in class enraptured by the lines read by each one, all full of emotions, and sometimes ending in tears. Here we are, strangers in the room, baring ourselves, sometimes letting go of feelings so raw, you almost cry in empathy. Sometimes we'd all erupt in laughter, closing our eyes while we listen as the words are read, and it is played out in our minds. Sometimes, when a good vignette is read, we clap our hands, and people remark, sigh, "That was good." I realized this class is not just about writing, but about journeys in life taken by each of the participant, and we are witnesses, as each recurring theme of our lives slowly reveal itself as the weeks go on. This is for Marilou, who is more heartbroken than me, struggling to keep afloat, as her writing keeps leading her back to Frank, her husband, whom she recently lost. She is unsure how to go on with life, with young kids and not enough experience with life's struggles to be really confident that she can make it alone. This is also for Bernadette, who chose to stay in a marriage that is keeping her hungry for self expression. We have 3 guys in class, a Dentsu advertising guy, a 60 something doctor, an 18 year old boy who is so full of angst we all think there's something wrong with him, a 24 year old virgin, a married woman with 3 kids whose poem is about Maybe I'll Lose Weight, another twentysomething girl who also seems restless and is in transition, and my favorite, Tita Nida who writes about Growing Old means Growing Soft, and Maybe If I'm Thin I'll be Mean..

I think there will be more arguments next time in class, and yes, even more tears. In the meantime, I dedicate this to my classmate, Marilou.

( I actually wrote about A Lesson in Letting Go inspired by her struggle, and of course, from mine.)


10/8/07

Believe it or not, all of us, though solely interested in our own progress in creative writing, looked forward to each one’s readings. We know each one has their own style, and slowly, we can already hear the difference in our works from the past weeks. Twee said, “I can now hear your voices. This is what clustering does to your writing, you find your own voices.“

The doctor has now slowly used less medical terms as he described the color white telling a story about a patient friend describing a very bright light at the end of the tunnel. We saw the marked difference in his writing and still, he would express his discomfort about writing the "natural way". Twee tells him to stop censoring, to tell his left brain to shutdown. Bonnie, the creative guy read about A Lesson in Photography, and as I listened, I closed my eyes as he keeps repeating the line, “Tell me a story” to create recurrences in his vignette. I saw each one of the pictures as he read it, even with my eyes closed-- now that is what photography is all about, telling a story! Bonnie is very creative and when asked to write about color, his vignette was, “The Darker Side of White”, deprecating white vs brown sugar, white rice vs brown rice, and so on..

Marilou still wrote about Frank, while Bernadette (the 40 year old married to a 70 year old) read A Lesson in Letting Go, which is more aptly titled “A Lesson on Coming”. (Yes, that kind). I sat next to her, so I tell everyone I am not reading my Letting Go piece, and instead chose to read the Driving Lesson. Marilou requests I read both, but no, I have decided already after majority of the votes I took from friends said hands down, I should read the sadder, melancholic one. Twee wanted me to read the Letting Go piece too, but I figured she must have written about it a thousand and one (better) ways (more on that later). It was fun to read my inspirational piece, and as I looked up to the men (as I read the line about being undmindful of how men see girls drive), the doctor’s eyes were twinkling, and when I finished everyone clapped and Twee said it was good. Ysabel, the 24-year old Povedan alumna told me she loved it, “It’s really all in the mind noh?”, and I remembered Puto, my staff, who is trying to learn how to drive who said she printed this poem from my blog to inspire her to drive. Go girl, you can do it!

Marilou also intimated to me that she only learned to drive after Frank died; she had no choice (Ahh, that is why she always asks to be led out of Salcedo to Ayala Avenue every Saturday. I drove ahead, leading her this week, and we wave goodbye at AIM).

Even Ysabel started using wonderful words, as she used Tumble Down for her recurring piece, and it was great to listen as she used these two words to describe how she should live her life. Tumble Down, make a mess, let go, have fun, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, she seemed to say.

***
I borrowed Twee’s book, “How Do You Know Your Pearls Are Real?:On Single Parenthood and Other Ms. Adventures.”

Last night, as I lit up my green tea home fragrance oil after insidiously, viciously cleaning my toilet, prepped my feet up, fluffed up the pillows and turned on the airconditioning, I started reading. She writes so well, all these feelings associated from everything, from the mundane to the ordinary, to the gut-wrenching emotions pulled from girth, the knife-sharp images about her separation, the end of her marriage, and her fight to be alone, earning her own money and coming into her own as a woman, brought alive, from pages of her diaries, her poems, lessons she learned about her men, and put out there for everyone to see. I text her that I can now understand why she chose to hie away to Cebu the day her book was released in 1991. I also told her I could relate, and that I am stopping reading her book for the next few days because they started to make me feel the scars and the writhing, living worm traversing inside my blood that I kept asleep, thinking it has gone away, flushed out of the tear ducts that now remained dry. I was so wrong.

I started weeping and realized it will leave me scarred forever.


Armi

Baiyoke Sky Hotel

The Baiyoke Sky Hotel - Thailand's tallest hotel, rising 88 storeys above the Bangkok skyline, strategically located in the heart of downtown,surrounded by bustling market and entertainment attractions, within easy walking distance to major shopping centers: Central World Plaza, Gaysorn Plaza, Peninsula Plaza, Amarin Plaza, Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery, Siam Center, Siam Square, MBK Center and many more and for all day long shopping spree.


Baiyoke Hotel is near the best shopping malls in Bangkok. I walked these streets and shopped Greyhound in one of these shops, before it came to Manila.


Darn it. I am living beyond my means. Where is that raise?

Black Eyed Peas in Bangkok

Yipee! I'm going. And as any real girly girl would do, she thinks,

" What do I wear?

". Ok, let me rephrase that ,

" What's my outfit??"

Ok, one more time,

" What do I wear to a meet and greet?"

So I google "outfit for black eyed peas concert" and I get to this website.

Blog girl says, "I ended up going in a yellow tee, gray sweater and a little tiara in my hair, in honor of the Dutchess herself, Fergie."

Ha-ha-ha. She's probably 16, this California girl. She then gives a rundown on what Fergie wore to the show: "Fergie’s outfit changes (three) were superstylin’. She started the show in a light green Juicy-esque sweat suit with a black tank. Then she changed into an orange bikini top and capris with a tiara (hey, just like me!). Finally, she ended up in a cute little black top, denim capris and a long braided ponytail that she kept flipping around."

Hmnn. How about dark jeans and a white tee, with accessories huh?



Abangan!

Quotable Quotes for the Romantic and the Realist

Him: I just wanted to see you. That is all. My mind is empty on what that could have achieved. And being silent makes me hear those that are more important than words.
Her: Because we are adults, allow me to ask you, what did you hear?
Him: I heard Toni Mitchell singing over the speakers. I heard a deep longing for affection and ambivalence to pursue a passion because of uncertainty. I heard a somber voice of love and great compassion for another. And my cry for forgiveness for having failed you due to my weakness.

****

Her 1: Why have you ceased to be the old you, why all work and no play?
Her 2: Because that is my goal this year, this is the different me. Because If I do not focus on work, I will be sad and lonely. As for you, I do miss the fully-engaged you.
Her 2: Who? Me?
Her 1: Yeah. You are neither here nor there. You are everywhere and nowhere. Better..pero betterer dapat!
Her 2: That's ironic. Fully engaged. I was, wasn't I? You can't have that old me back. But betterer should be fine.


****

Her 1: Let's put this in perspective. He is smart, attractive, romantic, down to earth and very very honest, but he's not available. Where will it lead to? Should experiencing that joy,that longing, make for a better, fuller life?
Her 2: Don't believe na what I say. I fell in love with him tonight, sitting across me not saying anything.


****

Her 1: It's not a game, it's a tactic. You're negotiating. They like somebody who doesn't seem to need any man.
Her 2: But what's the point, if they don't think she needs a man, how can she get a man? There is no getting and having there.
Her 1: He answered that with a smile.
Her 2: So what's my lesson again tonight?
Her 1: yada yada yada..
Her 2: Yeah. Write that down so you won't forget.

Blue

Last Saturday we learn about images. “An image is an internal whole in the mind’s eye complete with all the sensations surrounding it, full of meaning for the writer. Images have strong visual significance, but they also evoke the feel or sound or smell or taste of things. Images are constant in all natural writing for they heighten or intensify the implicit, often becoming interlocking patterns of related images full of meaning.”

Where do images come from? Aside from our five senses, they can also come from daydreams, fantasies, internalized experiences of sight, sound, smell, touch and taste, as well as from dreams and nightmares.

The exercise that day was to cluster around the word color. I choose blue, and then I let my pen guide me, totally disregarding my left brain, and words tumble, and they continue to come out pouring, gushing from an unknown source, as if possessed, wanting to come out. I instantly felt the shift, and I was surprised where it led me to. (I almost choked at the last two lines when I read it in class.)


when i think of blue, i think of the sea,
the shorelines, melting away with the sand
the aquamarine, the greens, as they dip further away
into the deep blue yonder.

when i think of blue, i think of its many hues
and like its palette, emotions weave through me,
evoking, stirring nostalgia--
The Fine Romance. The yesteryears.

when i think of blue, i get the blues
i think of jazz, the crooning, the melting,
the sound of Billie Holiday's Yesterdays, whispering,
Norah Jones's, "Come Away With Me", sadly beckoning.

when i think of blue, i think of you
i catch the blues and the darkness
surrounding this agony. let me be.
stay away. don't go.

when I think of blue, i think of you.

Twee (that’s how she wants to be called) was pleased with this one because she said the clustering led me to a very personal experience, and she clearly saw (and heard) that.

***

Believe it or not, all of us, though solely interested in our own progress in creative writing, looked forward to each one’s readings. We know each one has their own style, and slowly, we can already hear the difference in our works from the past weeks. Twee said, “I can now hear your voices. This is what clustering does to your writing, you find your own voices.“

The doctor has now slowly used less medical terms as he described the color white telling a story about a patient friend describing a very bright light at the end of the tunnel. Still, Twee tells him to stop censoring, to tell his left brain to shutdown. Bunny, the creative guy read about A Lesson in Photography, and as I listened, I closed my eyes as he keeps repeating the line, “Tell me a story” to create recurrences in his vignette. I saw each one of the pictures as he read it with my eyes closed-- now that is what photography is all about, telling a story! Bunny is very creative and when asked to write about color, his vignette was, “The Darker Side of White”, deprecating white vs brown sugar, white rice vs brown rice, and so on..

Marilou still wrote about Frank, while Susan (the 40 year old married to a 70 year old) read A Lesson on Letting Go, which is more aptly titled “A Lesson on Coming”. (Yes, that kind). I sat next to her, so I tell everyone I am not reading my Letting Go piece, and instead chose to read the Driving Lesson. Marilou requests I read both, but no, I have decided already after majority of the votes I took from friends said hands down, I should read the sadder, melancholic one. Twee wanted me to read the Letting Go piece too, but I figured she must have written about it a thousand and one (better) ways (more on that later). It was fun to read my inspirational piece, and as I looked up to the men (emote ang lola when I read the line about being undmindful of how men see girls drive), the doctor’s eyes were twinkling, and when I finished everyone clapped and Twee said it was very good. Ysabel, the 24-year old Povedan alumna told me she loved it, “It’s really all in the mind noh?” I replied, “You don’t drive noh?”, and I remember Puto. Go girl, you can do it!

Marilou also intimated to me that she only learned to drive after Frank died; she had no choice (Ahh, that is why she always asks to be led out of Salcedo to Ayala Avenue every Saturday. I drove ahead, leading her this week, and we wave goodbye at AIM). Even Ysabel started using wonderful words, as she used Tumble Down for her recurring piece, and it was great to listen as she used these two words to describe how she should live her life. Tumble Down, make a mess, let go, have fun, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, she seemed to say.

***

So the competitive me was not competing with anyone but myself because I want to learn from this expensive class, yes? But I thought that everyone anticipated my reading, as well as that of Susan and Bunny. It’s not yabang, DEP, it just is. Tita Nida’s short, rhyming funny vignettes ceased to be- she was harried and will be missing the rest of our sessions as she will be traveling. Actually, now that I know more, I dare not call myself a writer- at least not compared to Bud! (Maybe I am a good reader, now that’s yabang- hahaha). Actually, Susan is very good with poetry, her words, when put together, they are something else.

***

I borrowed Twee’s book, “How Do You Know Your Pearls Are Real?:On Single Parenthood and Other Ms. Adventures.”

Last night, as I lit up my green tea home fragrance oil after insidiously, viciously cleaning my toilet, prepped my feet up, fluffed up the pillows and turned on the airconditioning, I started reading. She writes so well, all these feelings associated from everything, from the mundane to the ordinary, to the gut-wrenching emotions pulled from girth, the knife-sharp images about her separation, the end of her marriage, and her fight to be alone, earning her own money and coming into her own as a woman, brought alive, from pages of her diaries, her poems, lessons she learned about her men, and put out there for everyone to see. I text her that I can now understand why she chose to hie away to Cebu the day her book was released in 1991. I also told her I could relate, and that I am stopping reading her book for the next few days because they started to make me feel the scars and the writhing, living worm traversing inside my blood that I kept asleep, thinking it has gone away, flushed out of the tear ducts that now remained dry. I was so wrong.

I started weeping and realized it will leave me scarred forever.

The Christmas Wish List

Yes, it is too soon. But I want to focus on happy thoughts today. I spent the entire night tossing and turning again. After a very relaxing full body massage that left me knocked out, I paid my therapist and led her out my door, and when I got back to my bed, my heart went thump-thump-thump-thump, and my breathing shallow and faster. It's crazy and all night I had out of this world dreams, like this one: my sister died, and right after she died, I did, and I said something like this, "Don't worry, I will see you soon, " while her white casket was being laid to the ground and I was in the next casket.

Then I dreamed about him again, and he was here, and he was like the nowhere man. I kept trying to talk to him,and he would move on, then he was telling me he is staying but he has no future. It's crazy I tell you, and it is symptomatic of what is running in my mind. I feel guilty letting go- somehow I feel like I should try to rebuild it, but I already made up my mind. On the other hand, the other option leaves me hanging in the air both with anticipation and sadness.

So it is in this spirit that I am going to go away again. This is a wishlist. And this is my space, right?

1. Bruce Springsteen's new album Magic. Did you see him and the E Street Band on the today show? Unbelievable. He is a genius. The Boss!

2. A trip somewhere. (out of the country again). Wait, ok, somewhere I can watch the Spice Girls reunion concert in Dec 07 to Jan 08 (madrid, hongkong, london was sold out in 38 secs, shanghai,etc). Isn't it shameful to admit I'm such a huge fan? Posh eversince, even if she couldn't be heard, she certainly had the best legs(and the wits to marry David Beckham)

3. A trip to Bora with friends Sony and Cie. Yes, just the three of us, and it will be fabulous. Yes, yes, you can split when you eye someone, ok, so no sharing of rooms.

4. New sets of underwear, tops and minidresses (since when did we have a seasonal change of wardrobe huh?)

5. A really good eye cream.

6. Weigh in at 95 lbs. HAHAHAHAHA. Even I find this hilarious.

7. Continue my badminton game 4x a week (hey I need a pay raise to sustain this, I can not say I'm broken hearted still and continue to spend recklessly)

8. Hillary Clinton wins.

9. Everyone gets their pay increase, including me. Yey.

10. I get an MTRCB pass. HAHAHA. A movie buddy, yes.

11. A mac after I give my Lifebook to Jeru. (dream on!)

12. Digital photo frame

13. Wall painting (shades of red)

14. Big Runo Mirror from Lonely Planet

15. new soft bedsheets and pillows

16. Green tea home oil fragrance , smells really good aromatherapy with tealight candles

Ok I will update from time to time depending on my need to escape. Hachi-hari-bu!

As the Japanese say, eat until you're 80% full. I've got my fill for today. Somebody owes me dinner!

Cheers!

The Road Less Travelled

The road forked ahead in front of me. I chose the right one. It was long and arduous and I ended up almost spent, lost and really tired. I almost didn't make it. Afraid and hapless, with a crushed spirit, I prodded on.

The road at the end led me to another crossroad. I chose the left this time, relying on my own obstinate mind, without a map, and hardly without thinking. It was the more scenic route, but one that lay at the edge of a cliff. I paused and I pondered, but I didn't care. It was exhilarating, and did I mention I didn't care?

At night I rested with a weary heart, knowing what I should have done in the first place. I should not have left him. He would lead me, had I chosen to listen to him whispering to me to not be afraid, I will not be alone.

Cafe Juanita

Sitting across the corner of Pioneer Street is a home that is also a restaurant and a selling establishment, present for over 17 years. It is called Cafe Juanita, serving Filipino, Mediterranean, even Japanese food. It is quaint, quirky and flamboyant at the same time. Something a designer called Bobby in LA is known for, combining Asian craft finds with antiques and boa feathers, colorful crystal chandeliers with European tea cups. It looks like an old ancestral house during the day, but morphs into something else at night, when all the chandeliers are lit up. The place is almost always filled, with couples out on dates, friends, families, businessmen/women. I went out with my friend Cie, together with the ya-ya sisterhood. This is a girl moment, which rarely happens, but when we do meet up, it is nothing about business but everything about life.

On Thursdays and Fridays, the place is complemented by classic tunes played by a pianist.



I wear my new Warehouse mini-dress which silhouettes every curve (my staff called me sexy on this one with the front and back, even including the side curves-ha-ha) with a multi-colored necklace I bought ages ago. I don't care. I have a mini-dress.

P. S. The arms, though, I don't know how to trim the arms.Lost 10 lbs already but I don't know how I will keep the weight off!

Kakaiyak, Kakaasar, Kakatuwa, Kakainggit

This is Christine and Nino's Love Story




The Proposal, as told by Christine
Niño played as a lead guitarist in a band that played reggae and I clapped and screamed everytime they performed. The girls and wives were collectively called "LaCucaRasta Auxilliary Band".

And so...LaCucaRasta was playing that Saturday night at Bistro 110 along C. Palanca Street in Makati. Niño picked me up from home and we went straight to the venue , saw his sister, his cousins, and our battalion of friends. I was glad that the auxilliary band got bigger that night. In fact the place was packed with friends!

Around 12 midnight, the start of the 2nd set, Niño handed over a card to me before he went on stage. And he told me to read it while he played. I knew that this was an "Im Sorry" card because of a previous misunderstanding. Niño was always sweet and he didnt need a card to say sorry.

"Glam-rock, glam-rock, glam-rock!!!" was echoing in the bar -the crowd asking for an encore. LaCuca gave in to our chanting and Niño struck the first notes that brought back memories of Tesla and Skid Row. I only realized that this was no "I'll be there for you" song when our Bubut, forced me to open the card and read it to the end. "Marry me.." . I could've died at that moment. And when I looked up from the card I was nervously holding, I was blinded by celfone camera flashes but I saw Niño looking at me and I immediately made a mental note to still look pretty even though I was crying (because everywhere I looked, the girls were crying or getting teary eyed!).

After he played and sang his proposal song, he went to me, but before that, he tripped on his cords. I think sobrang kaba. Then he knelt on his knee (im not sure now which knee :) and showed me this sparkling thing which would end up on my left ring finger.

After all the congratulations from all the people at the bar, we headed to another bar to watch another band play. Niño, still in awe from what he just did, played and sang on stage to relive tension. If I remember correctly, it was a song by Smashing Pumpkins - "Cherub Rock" .

And now, God is finally allowing us to get married. :)

The Lyric Sheet

We can go away
To a place that I know
It's not so far away

Put your hand in mine
And together we will find
A life that's yours and mine

We can change the odds and make it work
Without much compromise
As long as we agree to keep things right
And hang on tight

Yes I've made mistakes
And it comes as no surprise
That I've finally realized

I wanna go home to you
Every day and every night
And wake up in bed with you

Life is short and we both know
That our time has come at last
This time I won't let time go by too fast

We can change the odds and make it work
Without much compromise
In the eyes of God, you know we'll be alright
We'll be alright

We can go away
Hand in hand we'll work out fine
In a life that's yours and mine
And so now, I ask you
Come with me
Marry me.


Now that, is what I call, a proposal. Even if it took them two years to finally wed, I am happy their story has a happy ending.

Some Days Are Good

I got my project approved. Worth more than 8 M, and involving hard work, sweat, cold, tears; working with the support of my international friends, and polishing the genuine gem of my staff for over a year, it all paid off. For this particular project, there were times I doubted even myself, but what this whole two years experience taught me is to be certain. To be a good manager, one has to be certain, or admit you lack/need more information.

From Jo (my female mentor who is going to vote for Hillary Clinton):

FANTASTIC - you see, if you work hard and just keep the mission in your sight - it works for us.

I am so proud of you - I know some of the challenges and issues you face (and have faced) -you just remember that you do an awesome job, you are respected by all and we appreciate you - go girl.

It's not so much the praises that keep me up, it's understanding the lesson this challenging project taught me. The previous year, I also got a project approved, investing in 18M worth of equipment, but learned the difficult way to earn it. These days are good because we are reaping from that investment and collaborative work. I learned about power and psychology the last 2 years, and now they are feeding me to the lion's den, the principal's office. Remember the lesson, be certain. Don't falter, even if someone is playing the devil's advocate.

******

He congratulates me, shakes my hand and gives his final seal of approval. Finally, after 2 years 5 months, I am promoted. I do my own appraisal, design the org structure, restructure the pay for the division and up to now I am waiting for the papers, both for my people, and for me. If he doesn't deliver, I will be gone..gone..gone..

******

And so I finally admitted to myself, and to him, that I think I have learned the lesson I needed to learn. I chose not to pick him up, because if I do, who will be picking up after my mess?

******

And then one day my badminton homecourt has finally closed shop. This is a sad moment for me- this was where all the healing happened. My stress, depression, anger, frustration, all these were channeled as my hits got stronger until finally, my strings get broken,and I find myself laughing out loud for my mistakes, where I have been religiously playing the past 4 months, and recently, even playing doubles with stangers.Now it's gone. And Ronel, my trainer,my friend will be back in his hometown, trying something new. It's strange how someone I barely know can be of so much help, and turn out to be a good friend. He plays with me because he knows I cry at night, so he would push me to go play with him, four times a week for four months. And then I find myself happier. Maybe God is telling me to move forward. But in the meantime, we continue to play before he leaves on the 12th. Today we played at Valencia, and today is a good day.

A Lesson For Marilou

We sit in class enraptured by the lines read by each one, all full of emotions, and sometimes ending in tears. Here we are, strangers in the room, baring ourselves, sometimes letting go of feelings so raw, you almost cry in empathy. Sometimes we'd all errupt in laughter, closing our eyes while we listen as the words are read, and it is played out in our minds. Sometimes, when a good vignette is read, we clap our hands, and people remark, sigh, "that was good." I realized this class is not just about writing, but about journeys in life taken by each of the participant, and we are witnesses, as each recurring theme of our lives slowly reveal itself as the weeks go on. This is for Marilou, who is more heartbroken than me, struggling to keep afloat, as her writing keeps leading her back to Frank, her husband, whom she recently lost. She is unsure how to go on with life, with young kids and not enough experience with life's struggles to be really confident that she can make it alone. This is also for Susan, who chose to stay in a marriage that is keeping her hungry for self expression. We have 3 guys in class, a Dentsu advertising guy, a 60 something doctor, an 18 year old boy who is so full of angst and we all think there's something wrong with him, a 24 year old virgin, a married woman with 3 kids whose poem is about Maybe I'll Lose Weight, another twentysomething girl who also seems restless and is in transition, and my favorite, Tita Nida who writes about Growing Old means Growing Soft (she promised to send me this one so i can share with you), and Maybe If I'm Thin I'll be Mean..

I think there will be more arguments next time in class, and yes, even more tears. In the meantime, I dedicate this to my classmate, Marilou.

(A Lesson on Letting Go)

i say letting go is a hard thing to do.
without preparation or lesson in life--
when something goes beyond your control,
you have no choice, but to let go.

cry if you must, til the tears run dry;
it comes in waves, sometimes leaving you gasping for breath
as if life sucked you off its energy,the spirit and the will
to move on, but you must

let go. Don't look back.
don't hold on to the joys of the past.
just remember, re-live, only for a moment, for the chapter has ended,
and everyone awaits til you can rejoin the world again.

in the meantime, let go, have hope,
forgive, even yourself, trusting and believing
that you can do it- be alone, in control, and happy.
let go, have faith.

let go when you're ready. Let time take its course
as you weave through emotions, trying to understand,
asking all the questions, and trying to make sense of it all,
whenever you're ready, that's the best time to let go.

i say letting go is a hard thing to do.
but try anyway.