Posted on Mar 14, 2010 11:58 PM
The outputs from the Discovery Weekend marriage preparation seminar are certificates and two notebooks. The former we needed as an equivalent to a pre-cana seminar, a requirement from the church, the latter, are now two of my prized possessions. Although the weekend was fully booked from 8-12 midnight the first night, 6:30AM til 11 PM the second day, and 6:30 AM until 5:30 PM on the last day, L felt the dialogue sessions were not enough.
Aha!
From someone who was unable to express his feelings and would rather demonstrate his love through actions, this was certainly a miracle, an act that only God could have made him do. I have been verbalizing this for years, but he would always tell me that I know his ways are different. We both realize this is one of the reasons we have unmet expectations and frustrations. Men and women are created differently and have different languages of love. To me quality time and words of affirmation rank high, while to him loving means rendering an act of service. (This is why he is so proud whenever he cooks for me, and whenever I give him gifts it felt like it meant less than when I would prepare dinner, when my gifts would often be well-thought out.) We are different individuals because we came from different families with different cultures, rituals, behaviors, and naturally, we have different languages of love.
The dialogue sessions were very practical tools that the weekend has imparted with us. It taught us that before we do problem solving (which men are inclined to do, oftentimes ending an argument with, "Sorry na"), we first need to mutually understand each other's feelings. This requires emphatic listening, confrontation with caring, communicating each one's inner self, before jumping to how the issue can be resolved.
Aha! Psychogenetics! "You will bring your family of origin into the marriage." The process involves asking each other about our families because this would play a great role in our expectations as husbands and wives. Ask one another- What are the values that are important to your family of origin? How is your mother as a mother? As a wife? Who is the power in your family? How does your family deal with anger? Stress? Were there infidelities? Certainly, they tell us issues will arise- from where and when to spend Christmas Eve (which family at which time), to more complicated issues. Marriage calls on the couple to be more aware- there must be a conscious effort to change certain things to make the marriage last. (I think this is one of the reasons we were able to grow in our relationship- I being stubborn, and him being macho. Over the recent years, we have role played by asking each other to put ourselves in the other person's shoes. We each have to acknowledge that we needed to understand where the other person is coming from, before making judgments, which can lead to quarrels.)
Going back to the dialogue sessions. This is the part we most appreciated because the Discovery Weekend allows us time to discuss our answers to guide questions on understanding each other as individuals, we as a couple, we as a couple + God, and as a couple serving others. We are asked if we fully understand ourselves, because unless we do so, we cannot fully love our partners. We are asked about the growth in our relationship, 'Am I confident about your love for me?" What are our issues with each other? How does this make me feel?" There were many words of affirmation, but we also had to confront our issues, with caring. " "In what ways have I hindered your growth as a person? How does this make me feel?" Before we dialogue, the facilitator calls on the guest speakers (married couples who would share their presentation- basically the story of their marriage, their realizations as individuals and as a couple, and the hardships and triumphs they went through). Both the husband and the wife have a voice during their presentation, which they read out, so both side of the story is heard. We are then asked to reflect with the guide questions given out. We answer individually, and then convene to dialogue as a couple. We are supposed to be focused on each other, and discourage mingling with the other couples (they rotate our couple seating arrangement for every meal!).
There were many revelations, yes, in spite the fact that we have been together for ten years. When our hearts and minds are open, and with God guiding our feelings throughout the process, we were able to discuss things without being forced to. L's heart was open, and he was able to fully express his feelings and acknowledge the affirmations I give him.
I wrote:
"... You began to open up, and words that I know were your true feelings poured out from you. I cried when I read what you wrote when we were seated at the stairs (guide question on You and I as a couple). I pointed out to you one by one the many blessings that you have, and fail to see. That I see you that way, a blessing, God's gift for me."
And then yesterday I felt closest to God as a couple. I felt God was with us, guiding you and me to process our thoughts in our hearts. I cried again when you said the words that I so longed to hear. And you kissed and embraced me, but then I still had a question. I asked you - "How do I forget the hurt of the past?" . But then the bell rang (signaling that time for dialogue was up).
God answered it by the act of reconciliation, when we were called by the bell to confess our sins to the priest and to lift up all our hurts and pains so that we can start anew. I had no clue this was part of the retreat- but there it was, an answered prayer!
I feel we are ready.
With God's blessings, we are allowed to marry this time. "
He wrote:
"My dearest Hon,
I have hindered your growth by making you wait, albeit, with a sad heart because it has hurt us both. We should have been married earlier, but I was too self-obsessed to see. I hope to recoup those years by making our future together a happy one as much as I can manage."
This Discovery Weekend is the time I felt we are closest to God as couple. I feel blessed to have come this far with you. In spite our differences, I still know that it is us.
I feel that a life shared with you will be a beautiful one, a big movie production in high definition;a big hit at the box office-flooded with action, comedy and drama- maybe suspense, 'wag sana horror, with the soundtrack of our lives playing in the background; the two of us in the lead cast- our roles supported by an all star-cast of family, good friends and colleagues. It will be punctuated by the highlights of our lives.
It will be a great production, directed by the greatest director the world has ever known: God."
(Well, well, well, who knew he would be this creative, and we didn't know but this is the only part that had to be shared to the entire class!}
The other real important discussion about marriage we dialogued was about The Marriage Expectation Inventory.
It talks about quality time, our thoughts on love, after a quarrel, who makes the first move?, Money (joint or separate savings?), Having children? Adopting? What values are important for us to impart to our family, sexuality, roles of relatives in our lives, and so on. Again it is important that you share the truth, and ask each other what are the non-negotiables. This was a breeze for us, and in fact we were laughing as we checked our answers. There was a question on what should the husband and wife do when they are quarreling? He says drink, I agreed. We were both longing for an iced cold beer in the humid heat during the weekend.
There was a question on what if the wife had a bigger salary than the husband, the husband should
a. be humble enough to accept it
b. be ashamed of himself
c. rely on the wife and take life easy
d. work harder and strive to get a higher pay
He had my paper, and I had his (his answer was D, same as mine), but he said his real answer is " be ashamed of himself, rely on the wife and take it easy." (We were rolling on the couch, with laughter).
The couple also needed to discuss expectations regarding the in-laws, children, religious expectations and expectations related to communication and sex.
I'd like to end with what Fr. Chris (Irish priest from the OMI) told the guys. He reminded the guys that actions are not enough, that the men needed to say "I love you" to their wives, and must learn to not just express his thoughts about ideas lengthily; he must now be able to express his feelings. The guys have to learn this skill!
"Before you receive the sacrament of matrimony, look into each other's eyes and tell your partner: You are God's gift to me. Because God has chosen this person to be the perfect person for you, in order to share his love with one another, with your children and with others. If you are unable to do that, you need to discern more."
We were both emotionally and physically exhausted after the Discovery Weekend, but both feel God called us for this. In the midst of our wedding preparations, we so needed to prepare for the marriage.
Comments
Charmz on Mar 14, 2010
God is an Awesome God!
May you experience His marvelous works in your married life!
Grace on Mar 15, 2010
You are God's gift to each other. Exactly! Mas masaya kung dagdagan Niya ng gift of children. :D
C on Mar 16, 2010
kakaiyak!
Jovs on Mar 16, 2010
how touching the letter! you two are really meant for each other.....it's always in God's time....congratulations and may God bless you both abundantly! we sister's are all excited for you arms : )
Armi on Mar 17, 2010
huhu naiiyak din ako, I can feel your love. thank you for the warm wishes!
Cha Mauleon on Mar 31, 2010
nakakatouch!who would have thought ganun pala ang naisip niy?hihi well true,if two persons were meant to be together,they will meet in God's own time.At the time that they were ready,prepared,and matured enough already.Well what can I say,this is the perfect time that God chose for the both of you.I am so happy for the both you,not all couples were blessed with Forever,but you are about start it on the 29th of April.:) i love you both!
