Evolution

As hard it is for me to keep still, I am forced to. Having a baby means taking care of one's body as it becomes a vessel for another life. I learn this as I experienced some spotting on my 18th week. Now I try a little to be still, to slow down, to move less, and to lay down more. Little buddy responds well, meanwhile, life goes on.

Still, oftentimes I'd find myself muttering, why does it have to take so long? Nine months is like a lifetime to hold off on the many things I could be doing (like playing sports to get me closer to my ideal weight, drinking and socializing, eating junk foods whenever I want to, enlisting on adventures with the girls, traveling, and so on). Days are slow to crawl, but when I put my hand on my tummy and think of all the hard work that's happening inside me, with the brain cells forming, ears and toenails growing in proportion, bones and cartilages going stronger, I get it. And yet, I could not fathom it all! I still find it unbelievable how such a miracle of life is bestowed upon me, to give! The image of my baby tumbling and tossing inside me, without my knowledge,nor control is something beyond my comprehension, and I find myself saying over and over again: "How could I ever attempt to control my child's life, when,from inception, he moves on his own free will?"

Also, most of the time, I find my thoughts turn to the visible changes happening to me physically. My body has totally changed, my uterus is growing larger to make room for the baby,while other organs are pushed back; my tummy has jutted out and has extended to the biggest I've ever been. My thighs have grown, as evidenced by a stretch mark that is too late to cry over with. I am hoping my legs are strong enough to carry me in the next four months before I deliver. There are abdominal pains when the uterus stretches, a shooting pain from a pinned nerve in my pelvis, changes in my breasts, changes in sleeping position, and so on.

Tonight, though, I think of the evolution that is happening not just in my body, but also within me.

I am going to be a mother. I think of educational plans, and insurance payments, and possibly, transferring to a house in the next five years. We are on target with our condo redecoration project in preparation for the baby, and are bracing ourselves for major expenses. Still, we have some more major saving to do before 'lil buddy arrives. L and I check each other's spending (yes, we have financial projections for 2011). We agreed to making joint decisions on major purchases. We talk about our goals, including being healthy. We talk about possible changes in our lives when the little one comes. We are excited, anticipating, and are anxious to attend our birthing class next month.

Then it dawned on me, maybe that's why there has to be nine months. We need to prepare for the baby! We need to talk about all this stuff, and before we can do most of this stuff, we need to come to terms with what this new life will bring. We're talking about life-changing, behavior-altering perspectives. Suddenly, time becomes more precious as I weigh about ways to getting my figure back vs the time I'd rather spend with my child (Really? I really thought I could be socializing and losing weight than having this baby all because it's taking nine months??! And because I am gaining weight? But then again, Japanese women begin dieting when they learn they are pregnant. Still, what was I thinking??!!) Suddenly, bonding with my child seems more important than getting right back to my fitness goals. There's no hurry as the priority is to heal after giving birth, and to make sure the baby is healthy. The decision of bikram vs badminton alongside jogging can wait til I have it down pat if breastfeeding is easy or not, or whether L and I can keep up with the night duties, or bless us, if we have found the right yaya!

The April Boracay tickets I booked on the internet while I was on a seat sale rush mode can be rebooked. For now what's more important is the baby is kept in full term (DUH!). The yearly outing with my girl friends can wait, as long as we continue to commit seeing each other once a month, or communicate via email or chats, I can continue to enrich my friendships with our time.

The goals I set for myself, I can re-evaluate--the weight in number,the Europe trip by when, what is being financially secure one year at a time. Instead, I ask this: just who will I be this year when I become a mother? Just who will I be years from now when I reach 40? What kind of mother will I be? What kind of wife will I grow to be? What kind of daughter, sister and boss will I be as I begin to juggle this many roles with being a mother.

It makes me feel alive to know I can rewrite the pages in my life one day at a time. This evolution is happening right now, and I am grateful for recognizing this moment.

Same Day Edit: Pat Dy Photography

Sharing with you the fondest memories of our special day.
Photography by: Pat Dy
Video by: Bordoy Viterbo