It's raining and I'm Norah Jonesing. I hear the pitter patter of water as it trickles to the ground, some of the mist showering my bed. It is 8:30 PM and I declared it a no-TV night.
I am reading David Sedaris' Dress Your Family in Denim and Corduroy, and I start to look around at my next reading material as I'm about to finish this one. I gather O magazines, the new Condo Central magazine Marissa wants me to review, and other old magazines. At the back of my mind I am reminded of how the food we eat affect our moods, and I know too much sugar is what is keeping me hyperactive and moody. Like smokers who know cigarette is bad for them, they keep smoking anyway because it's cool, I know I should cut down on white rice and chocolates, as the 10 lbs lost can easily find its way to my anatomy in as little as 3 weeks.
"You have it so good, you just don't know it," my married friends with kids tell me when I attend birthday parties of my inaanak. They are of course referring to the no-running after kids, getting to do what you want, whenever you want lifestyle that I and Consuelo have. Smiling is often our appropriate reply, but one time we finally admitted it and said out loud,"Yes, and we do enjoy it."
This is one of those moments. After running errands, going to the cemetery and bringing Mama and Ninang to Tiendesitas for a little merienda and dropping them off to Sta. Mesa, I have my quality time.
Feet propped up in pillows, soft lights and music, a good book in one hand and a stack of magazines beside me, I relished this moment of peace and quiet. My soul breathes and tells me,"We are grateful."
When this moment hit, I got up and chose among my notebooks and cheap pens. I did not want to use the 2005 Griffin and Sabine-inspired datebook from Starbucks, it's so pretty to look at. I run my fingers through the pages of another notebook, this one given to me by C.P. His dedication on it is priceless:
(In mandarin)
"The young one listened to the rain
The flame of the red candle makes the curtain sway
A middle aged man listened to the rain in a boat
The river is so wide and the cloud is near
The lonely bird is talking to the wind
Now listen to the rain in a temple
There is a relationship no matter we are apart or together
When I sit down on the stairway
I remember all the memories til daybreak"
***
It's not always like this. A gamut of rumbled thoughts run in my mind, in flashes. I worry a lot, sometimes. About my brother, my family, my future mostly. I dreamt of Jos a week ago and no matter how many times he has stolen from me, lied to me or broken my trust, I still feel a responsibility to set straight his life. "But you've set him up on jobs, forgave and trust over and over again," my angel said while the other prodded on, "Give him another chance..."
I breathe heavily. It scares me that I have to fight the daily grind and still be responsible for him. Now that I left home, I am less agitated about issues at home, mostly about (implied, never stated) pressures of being the eldest. Not a lot of my peers deal with this, that's why I bloomed late, consciously dated only when I turned 23, but I know the realities of managing the household and the issues of drug addiction. It scares me to raise a family not knowing what kind of pressures I'd bring forth to my children. I want them to have as much confidence, free spirit, easygoing demeanor and respect for other people. Like I said I worry a lot, and sometimes it's hard to compartmentalize.
I am often jolted by Toot Toot saying,"What is it that you really want?" when I start barraging him with anything that crosses my mind. It's harder when you're mostly just texting in a long distance relationship. I end up sending him all my random thoughts, from waking up to a bad dream at 3 AM, to wild thoughts or worries before turning in. I know, it's too much information.
Today I text him
" I love this quiet time in my life hon. This moment is good."
"Good, " he says.
How can I not love this man? He is ever supportive in my endeavors, random thoughts and all.
"Honey I tried belly dancing today and loved it! I think I should buy one of those dangling things you attach to your waist, it creates great sound when I do my hip and waist moves."
"Hon, I want a doggie!"
"Hani, I want a doggie and a baby!"
"Hon, I want a hubby, a doggie and a baby!"
Oh well.
