In my Inbox

I saw Sony tonight, who flew in from Sydney for his vacation. Cielo was there, Grace was too. After dropping Sony and getting ready for bed, I looked at my inbox.


"You are looking great! You are doing great!"-Cielo

"Notice how God opens millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds. Don't try to force anything. Let life be a constant letting go and letting God."- Maan

"In facing life's ups and downs. let's always cling to God and dwell on his promises. Lets be like the finest bamboo--bending but not breaking!"- Edith

"Payat ka na ma'am! Hey, madami pa guys kaso sabi nga ni Winnie mas madami na nga girls according to the survey. Makakahanap ka kasi 1. kumustahin ang mga ex 2. maputi ka ma'am, unlike me, maitim. 3. just pray.."- Joyce


" Hi Ma'am Armi. I came across reading your blogspot every night when I relax, and it has inspired me to write again. I hope everything is ok, kaya mo po yan. I understand what you're going through right now. Stay strong.."- K.

Maya Angelou said this: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."


I'm not "out there" yet. Hopefully, when I come out, I will not hear, "Walang gustong bumili ng pechay ko!!"

You made me laugh Sony.

Manila, My Manila Zoo

When i went out to bring our American guests to do store visits, we led them to blumentritt, one of our highest selling stores. Driving to manila from Ortigas took us an hour and while my foreigner guests could look at shanties and makeshift houses under the bridge, they could not get over the traffic. I looked at John as it was his first time in asia, and asked if he was culture shocked from the vendors selling fruits outside the store, or from the sari sari stores i kept talking about in dallas as the more acceptable retail channel, or by the kids calling out to them,"Hi Joe!",.

I don’t know what's going through his mind and I asked Jo, my good Canadian friend if they felt uncomfortable about the third world. She said, "I don’t look at it that way. I realize that it is a different world. People work hard, and it is a difficult life. But you learn from these travels, and you take those lessons with you. You learn to appreciate what you have, and you feel the responsibility to contribute more..” I love Jo.



I remember this conversation as i bring my nephew and niece to Manila Zoo. The last time I was here I felt horrible at the condition the animals were in, and the dilapidated state the zoo was in, yet I felt joy all over from kids who were brought there by their parents in an earnest way to make them feel happy. Up to this day, I remember the times we were brought to the Manila Zoo, the Wildlife Park in QC, Luneta and these are among my most vivid memories. Kids just never forget these things. As I hold Miguel’s hand as we enter the zoo I saw his excitement and when he said,"Cool.Wow, an elephant!". His eyes grew bigger, and he took a step back. I told myself this is so worth missing my yoga class and a few hours of Saturday sleep.



Manila Zoo is in a state of reconstruction, thank you very much to Mayor Atienza. This effort certainly pays forward, as I see kids and parents the same as yesteryears- kids are delighted, and parents mark a positive contribution in the development of their children by painting their childhood memories with love and great experiences. When we were driving back home, Miguel told his mommy,” Love ko Tita Armi. Mahal ko Tita Armi ko yan, “ while Ysa, who doesn’t kiss anyone except her mommy, kissed me and gave me a huge smile, as if to say thank you.

Dallas and San Antonio Texas

Vast, flat and dry.
These are the adjectives my mind conjured after spending a few days in Dallas. Vast lands in Dallas are owned by the old rich, according to my new-found friends from our headquarters. These are the men garbed in jeans, buckled belts, boots, cowboy hat and speaking in the Southern twang but live in huge houses. As we toured the city, I saw some of the houses, which are like churches in size! I imagined for a moment a life in one of those houses. "Big daddy in his cadillac partying with the same rich neighbors. A life certainly different from ours."



Dallas has the most number of pick-ups in all the states of the US, and mostly because this city has farmlands (at Fortworth) and oil. The Dallas Cowboys is housed in a huge auditorium with a large Oracle signage, enough to seat over 60,000 fans who come to town whenever there is a game. People love the Cowboys and are passionate about their sports. Downtown Dallas however is set amidst skyscrapers towering one over the other. Our headquarters is a majestic building set apart from the others because of more land surrounding the building. The opulence is evident in the art collection housed inside the building and the huge executive offices. There is even a winter room just outside the office of the CEO where sometimes hawks would come and rest at one of the gargoyles. The organization is undergoing a dramatic cultural change with a transfer to a smaller building, buyout by the Japanese (the Japs bought out the mother company), and a layout structure where there are no cubicles and staff face one another with the section manager at the far end of the open layout, overlooking his staff- Japanese style.




We didn't get to do much sightseeing in Dallas,nor in San Antonio. All I managed to see was the street where JFK was gunned down, and I saw the areas where the River Walk is done. I would have wanted to see the historic Alamo. The good thing is, I had the best Mexican food ever.
- guacamole (the secret to making this dip is the cumin!)
- burritos
- margarita by the pitcher
- quesadilla
- nachos



I couldn't resist. That's a margarita smile there for you.

Caleruega

He brought me there one time at a stage in our lives when we were both exploring in our minds the idea that there may be something there. I remember being picked up, driven to Tagaytay and like so many times in the years of knowing each other, there was a pleasant surprise. One time I showed him the view of the 20th floor in Ortigas, and he remembered that moment and wrote that to me years later. However, it was him who was always making me notice "moments", oftentimes because of new places he introduces me to. He showed me how to dance, how to feel appreciated, how to love myself and be proud of myself, and he would often tell me how he liked my smile.



So that afternoon he took me to Caleruega to see the Chapel of Transfiguration. I think he was trying to tell me something, or maybe nothing, but he took pictures of me that day. We spent the day talking, but maybe we were asking what was in our hearts that day. We spent a moment in prayer, asking the Lord to guide us, thanking Him for this moment, thanking Him for this friendship.

Later, he showed me the fountain and told me to make a wish. I don't remember what I wished for that day. I think it had something to do with the other man in my life.
I think Robert did not get the sign he was asking for on that December day, but God granted him his wish.

Robert and I have remained friends over the past 13 years. He is among my few friends whom I can literally call for anything. In life, we all need friends like him. Today I opened my email and I saw pictures of his little girl Yonee. He is so proud of her, and she is growing up to be a beautiful girl.

I Am Changing

I was invited by friends to a concert last Friday- the invite said ," A Journey of Hope." With a conscious effort not to wallow in despair, drink alcohol or go out on a date, I decided to go after picking up my car from Honda Shaw. The Jesuit Volunteers of the Philippines hosted a concert honoring its 700 volunteers in the past 27 years with the hopes of continuing its mission of sharing love in far flung places in the Philippines.Youth volunteers spend a year of their time immersed in rural areas teaching,volunteering,praying and in the process,finding and defining themselves. The AFP Theater became the venue for telling the story of these volunteers with Jed Medala, Bituin Escalante,Karylle, Neneth Espiritu singing broadway songs that speak of hope, of finding the path, living in the moment and reaching for our dreams.

Songs from the West Side Story, Les Miserables, The Sound of Music, The Lion King,Phantom of the Opera were chosen to tell the stories of the volunteers. They tell us it is a sad,sometimes sorrowful journey to be away from home,out of your comforts, and on your own, but the desire to help out of love overcomes all these and rewards them with something they will never forget for the rest of their lives. Pictures of volunteers flashed on the screen while they teach kids from around the Philippines, and testimonies from past volunteers tell a story of great character formation borne out of their experience.
"It changed my life. It defined me," said one past volunteer who is now a teacher at Ateneo de Davao. Songs were interspersed with these testimonies while guest singers applauded the efforts of the volunteers in helping spread love. Song after song spoke of hope and overcoming despair. The song that spoke to me most is a song from the movie Dreamgirls, interpreted with the excellent vocals and the soul of Bituin Escalante. The lines are simple, but this song should be heard to appreciate what Effie's character was going through. Bituin was captivating and delivered one of the most memorable performances i've seen in my life.

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

Vancouver

About a month ago, I flew to Vancouver for a very short trip before flying to Dallas. Around six thousand miles from Manila and into a winter weather in beautiful Vancouver, I was expecting to see snow, but snow melted two weeks before I came. At temperatures between zero to seven degrees Celsius, a suede coat and scarf were more than enough to keep me warm. Although Vancouver is too laid back for me, I found it beautiful with snow-capped mountains surrounding the city. There are a lot of Hongkng migrants who moved to Vancouver, and of course, some Filipinos. In fact, our limousine driver is a Chinese from Hongkong, and upon entry into the highway and the downtown area, signboards from Chinese real estate agents dot the city. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and I was surrounded by Chinese waiters who were talking to my Taiwanese colleagues, in Mandarin. The only odd looking person in the group was our host, who is an American.

I meet my bestfriend from college who migrated to Vancouver in 2003 with her husband. They now live a comfortable life in Surrey, with a nice house, and a cute baby. Tito Ren and Tita Precy are also in Canada through Anna's letter to the Canadian embassy to allow her parents to, "see snow". Anna fed us with her salmon and shabu shabu while Jaime regales us with ghost stories. As with fresh migrants from the Philippines, they share their struggling years story,which moves me to laughter... and tears. Jojo is a revelation, he has now become the mega-host. He is passionate, alive, confident. I tell Tito Ren I am surprised at the change in his personality. It turns out that with their move to Canada, Jojo has immersed himself in continuous learning and self-improvement. Jojo shares some knowldge and CDs with me. I think he shared more than that with me. His spirit touched my heart and made me want that kind of rejuvenation.

As we were driving along the highway, I began noticing flocks of birds which seem to be everywhere in Canada. I noticed them fly low, and at one point, I was even able to catch one in my point and shoot digicam. The road is wide, and the cars are few, at one point we were driving in the fog at 6 PM, and it felt eerie, lonesome. Maybe it was just me, but I had a little separation anxiety of the warm sunny blue sky in Manila.

On the road to Surrey I notice the cranberry fields and loved the contrast of its red leaves against the azure skies.

Today

This morning,I find myself getting my Double Gulp (64 ounces) cup,going to the water station and filling up the cup. I timed the effort and noted that it took around 2 minutes to fill up this almost 2 liters of cup. I tell myself to find out if i can finish this amount of liquid in a day,or at the minimum,find out how much water i take in a day.

The other day I was cooking, and I asked my roommate why I was cooking. She said I was doing it for the sake of doing something. She ate what I cooked and amused me with stories about other people.

Car Art

I don't know much about cars, but I do appreciate things of beauty, and so I decided to attend the car art show at the Ayala Museum with good friends Divina, Cielo, Lady and Bob. This is a part of the world tour through international museums and features BMW automobiles designed by artists Ken Done, Roy Lichtenstein, Frank Stella and Andy Warhol.


“I have tried to give a vivid depiction of speed. If a car is really fast, all contours and colours will become blurred”. Andy Warhol is an icon synonymous to pop art and his car is just that- a perfect depiction of his interpretation of a car at speed. I watch in awe at the video as he paints the car himself, taking no more than 24 minutes, translating the cost of the six-cylinder engine to a whopping 10 million euros. This car has a top speed of 307 km/hr, and has raced for the first and last time at the 1979 24-hour race at Le Mans, France.

Although that night, it was more about fashion than the need for speed, I couldn't help but remember about a piece I read many years ago on driving. Etienne Lebrunne wrote that love is like riding a fast car. You feel the rush in your body, the wind in your hair, but you never know when it's going to end. She may leave at some point, leaving you to take the rest of your destination on your own, or it can lead to fascinating discoveries and wonderful memories. We can't control how the journey ends, and so he tells us to enjoy the ride and the memories that will linger after the ride is over.

The car art show is open from March 3 to March 30 at the Ayala Museum in Makati.

Yoga Talk Today, Road Trip Tomorrow

My 7-day yoga trial session ends today. As usual, my entire body yells in pain while my mind screams torture. I do not understand why I do this except it makes me blot out everything for 90 minutes, and I sweat horribly, smudging my vision and smearing the laminated floor. I try to concentrate on my breathing as I hear the frantic beating of my heart after each posture, straining my body to levels I've never done before, putting all my weight in one foot while lifting the other leg up in the air while I squeeze all air out of my abdomen and chest.

At the end of the session, Tessa Prieto- Valdez chats me up, telling me not to use the freight elevator, while I compliment her on her still colorful, yet normal clothing. She laughs and tells me she sometimes wears rhinestones just so she can have something to focus on in class. She's very friendly, and tells me to enjoy my sunday while she heads out to the entrance, and I take the exit door.

I walk out the door feeling lighter and in spite the fact that I am alone and I do things on my own, I didn't feel lonely today. Because today I ran errands, then exercised, went to church, and saw my aunt and uncle who visited me at home, making an effort to make me happy, in spite their troubles.
Because last Friday I was with the company of great friends, friends who will keep me company. There are more events, movie nights, beer or wine nights to look forward to.
Because Saturday was spent delighting my niece and nephew, playing in the park, and yet seeing more friends at the Salcedo market for lunch. There will be many more Saturday mornings as wonderful as these.
Because I have a work which I look forward to- no fears!

Because there are many great days ahead. Time alone is a self-discovery. A path to growth.

I am taking a roadtrip to Batangas one of these weekends, taking the western Batangas road from Nasugbu to Agoncillo. I will do this alone, I can cry if I want to, laugh at myself and sing as loud as I want to along with the music I'll play on the cd player. Time heals. Travel is a therapy.

Where the road leads to, no one knows. Life, like they say, is an adventure.

And oh yes, I'm taking the 30-day yoga challenge.

The Mistress, The Mother and the Mentor

After more than 6 years in the Philippines, C.P. bid me adieux yesterday. As usual, our conversations start off with him asking me if I know of any news or rumors. In fact, he asked me if I knew anyone who was getting something from somebody. When I asked why, he got mad and asked me why ask why, when I knew it was wrong. He told me about this person but I couldn't say anything because I didn't have any idea nor heard any rumor.

He asked me how I was doing, and just like that, my eyes welled up in tears and he began looking for a tissue. I composed myself and told him, it is hard for me. He begins to tell me that the same thing happened to his sister, so his sister left for the States and that is where she met her husband. He tells me about his previous boss whose wife called him early in the week to ask him about her husband's affair here in Manila. He tells me how this affair led his boss to unprecedented embarrassment in his home country where most people learned about it from his previous lover who called the head office to tell her tale, out of revenge.

"So you see, i know it is hard, but even married couples have problems. My wife sometimes does not talk to me for 3 months and tells me to get lost. The other lesson is, you can overcome this, as my sister did, and a lot of other people."
" All the men I know have affairs. The only difference is, some of the wives know, some don't. You see, men think with their little heads. They are like kids. Men actually need mothers as wives, not the mistress. The mother/wife type would tell the guy to go to hell and then go on with their lives if their men can't commit or can't offer marriage. The mistress would always need pampering and need to be secure. Men don't always want that. "
When I pointed out that the reason these unfaithful men stay in their marriage is probably because they have the mistress, he said, "Exactly."

He then paused to think about his life, and wondered aloud," I should have a mistress. I should have another relationship. But the problem is my wife won't leave me...."


I knew there was some truth in his statement, but at the same time know him to be stronger than this, and has actually resisted temptations many times. He told me to let my man go, and if he comes back, then it is meant to be. On the other hand, I should be thankful he did this now, painfully,so I can still meet the right man for me.

" You know, you can be a mistress. "
There was dead air- I was feeling the tension, but there was actually, none. We both know each other so well.
" Either you change your self, or you change the men in your life."
********

At 39, his life is so comfortable even he is half-hearted in returning to his home country. But he said that is why he needs to go back.
" I don't want to go back. I need to go back. When life becomes too comfortable, convenient, therein lies the trouble. You have to live your life by taking risks, by embracing change. If you stick in your current comfortable phase in your life, how will you grow? How will you continue to evolve into someone better, richer in experience, and how can you reach for what is the best for you? Remember that. If there is one lesson in life I want you to remember, it is this. Take risks in your life. Accept, welcome change. "

I tell him he is going to be a great father to his wife's first child, a child after 12 years! What a joy and victory. He expressed disappointment at not having a daughter and kidded that he'd have this with another woman.

Ahh. That's him all right. All talk and no action when it comes to women.

Bikram Yoga

Driving with an open itinerary, I decided to enjoy this Sunday outside with some plans and then none. There were the errands- the bills to pay and the haircut, which were done last week-now the waxing, facials and some office work were in the to-do list today. I needed to take on something difficult, just to take my mind off of things. I did several social interactions the past month, albeit with some difficulty. I still preferred the safety and familiarity of the company of really good friends.

With only half the day gone, and only an address in hand, I find myself driving to my favorite playground, Makati, to look for the Bikram Yoga place in Salcedo (www.bikramyogamanila.com). With a good 30 minutes ahead, I lay my mat at the farthest end of the room (beginner’s place) and wait as Hilary, our yoga teacher sits me down to give an introduction to yoga. With breathing position done, she informs me I will be in a heated room (38 to 48 degrees Celsius) and can’t take water breaks in between postures (ashtana) and I am to expect straight breathing exercises in the first 25 minutes of the program.

With this, I enter the room, composed mostly of women in their 20s, 30s and 40s, and only with 2 guys- a foreigner wearing only a swimming trunk and a man probably around my age. We were 33 attendees in all, and I am the only beginner in the class.
Within 5 minutes I am sweating like a pig. We all were. Putting my weight on my left foot, then all on my right while stretching, reaching for the ceiling, lengthening my spine, bending my back, tucking in all my ten fingers under the heel, angling my left toe to touch my right knee, twisting and pushing all the air out of my body, all I could think of was I can do this, this is hard, but I’ve never sweated this much in an hour of exercise.

Hilary was checking my position and breathing and calls out to the class how to point our toes up while immediately moving from a laying position to doing 2 sit ups. I say to myself I want to do this but an hour and a half seemed so long, and tiring. Before I knew it, Hilary tells the entire class I made it, and we are left with only the breathing exercises. The entire class claps their hand in support. What the heck, maybe I might consider the 30-day challenge if only to block out the sad, pitiful, depressing thoughts that slip in and out of my days and nights.


I can do this.
Little by little, I can let go.
Then maybe one day it will not hurt as much.
Maybe next week I will take a long drive somewhere.
Maybe one day I will not torture myself with questions.
Maybe one day when I look back those years were wonderful memories that meant something not just to me.
Maybe one day I will stop thinking.
Maybe one day I will live, and love again.

Saying Goodbye

how does one say goodbye
to a memory that was once so alive
it feels a part of today?
it's in my heart
so raw, so fresh
but today is not the same.

what does one say
when the other stops loving
and the world has began rotating,
leaving you at a stand still?
i wanted to stay
but he is gone.

how does one let go
when there is still so much love
but no one to give it to?
where does that love go?
cry if you must,
but hope is for the fools.

how do you say goodbye
to all those years- gone in an instant?
do you remember the pieces?
or look back just once more?

Notes from America

I walked the Market Street in San Francisco feeling like one of the locals. Spending dollars on this vacation, I was not so much worried on my expenses as to getting the vibe of San Fo. When friends ask me what I felt about my trip, I said it in many different ways.

You know what being in the first world country means? It means having all the resources from around the world made available only to you.

It meant going beyond the needs and simple wants, but creating an entire industry out of wants.

It meant cringing at advertisements that blatantly display the priceless worth of an engagement ring- a year's wage for some people in my country; almost blindng diamonds and gold jewelry ads that blast the TV screen as valentine's day drew near;it meant gawking at super-sized meals and watching as a lot of food come to waste.

When I asked how they clean their shoes, I was answered that they don't. It doesn't become dirty because they have so many pairs to choose from.

It meant freedom of choice in so many ways. From the local cafeteria where all options for lunch or snack is available for you to mix and match, from the way they prepare their coffee, to the endless options (24 valves for carbonated drinks, 18 valves for a frozen drink and more than 6 choices for coffee) for a quick beverage trip to your local convenience and gas station. The possibilities are endless, and the path is laid before you. All you have to do is to make that decision.

It is the land of the free, and is populated by such a diverse group of people that you wonder how great it would be to have equal opportunities in such a vast nation. You start to think you can be one of them, among the locals, just grabbing a quick dinner before you head off for work, or to a dance practice, or to a talk on some obscure topic that you'd like to attend, just because.

It is a land where the air is cleaner, the wind is chilly, and the people pursue their interests, rather than succumb to the daily grinds of the third world rat race.

Does it make for a better life? Maybe. But that is their home, and this is mine.

Home is when people clap their hands as soon as the plane lands, offering their prayer of thanks. Home hits you when people offer their hand in exchange for a few dollars for getting your bags, pushing your cart, checking your customs slip, looking for lost and found items. Home is when people who greet and meet you are barred from entering the airport. Home is where people who love you greet you and are glad to see you. Home is where the people who really love you hold you in their arms, let you weep, and comfort you in your pain. Home is where your heart lies, and your hopes are build, and rebuilt day in and out.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.