Boundless Energy

Jump around, I watch as Ysa and Miguel jump around my couch,my bed, our house in Sta mesa,at the park,at the cemetery. Eden's kids have boundless energies. As I gaze at the family left by Uncle Benjie, who passed away at an early age of 55, I realized all of us will die. What significance this picture of death, mourning and the now gave me is that it made me want to simplify my life. If it meant being accepting, I surrender. I keep searching, looking for that perfect match in work, in interests, as activity partners. It keeps me alive and youthful, but at the same time I tell myself to listen to the solitude and rest for a while.

Docent training program module 2:over 2500 years and still searching

The second module of the ayala museum's docent training program covered over 2500 years of history and new insights. Our speakers included among the first archeologists in the philippines (among the first 5- now numbering 40 in the country)prof. Ronquillo, and manuel luis quezon's great grandson. My evaluation of the program reads," If history were presented this way-factual,yet not spoonfeeding,no memorization of dates; focusing on the failures, on the tonality, the atmosphere of the times;sometimes even questioning-oh wow,i would have loved history and understood our culture earlier.....the use of visuals, art, dioramas, photographs, combined with music, the enthusiasm,passion and knowledge of manolo on phil history has a very powerful effect on the listener. I also appreciated how geography played in our history.

Closing Cycles by Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary
time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the
other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters
whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in
the past the moments of life that have finished. Did
you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to
an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to
live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all
of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has
happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another
step until you find out why certain things that were
so important and so solid in your life have turned
into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for
everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife,
your friends, your children, your sister, everyone
will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves,
getting on with life, and they will all feel bad
seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the
same time, not even when we try to understand the
things that happen to us. What has passed will not
return: we cannot for ever be children, late
adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards
our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair
with someone who has gone away and has not the least
intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them
really go away. That is why it is so important
(however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs,
move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or
donate the books you have at home. Everything in this
visible world is a manifestation of the invisible
world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting
rid of certain memories also means making some room
for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from
them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect
anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be
appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love
to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional
television to watch the same program over and over
again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a
certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing
else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love
relationships that are broken off, work that is
promised but there is no starting date, decisions that
are always put off waiting for the ideal moment.
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be
finished: tell yourself that what has passed will
never come back. Remember that there was a time when
you could live without that thing or that person.
Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This
may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it
is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or
arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your
life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the
house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were,
and change into who you are.

Answers Part Deux

From another friend. This is a good read.
1. What are the 10 steps to healing from a relationship breakup?
Praying works best for me at each step ... whatever those steps are.
2. How can you avoid staying stuck in your pain after a break up?
Believing that there is a reason and meaning to everything that happened.
3. What should you do in order to heal when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about you?
Acknowledge the thoughts and then know that those are just what they are - thoughts and not reality. Or simply replace those thoughts with a countdown of your favorite food ...
4. What are some tricks for dealing with the fear and low self-esteem that comes as a result of a relationship breakup?
thinking of past achievements and planning for what else i want to accomplish. putting extra effort at work and adding value to whatever comes my way.
5. What are the best ways to deal with the pain caused by fear of failure after the break up?
sleep, sleep and more sleep.
6. What do you do if you are feeling like a failure because of the breakup?
feelings are like thoughts. see answer to number #3
7. How do you replace pain with possibility and positive thoughts after a relationship breakup?
you mean there is another way than thinking positive?
8. How can you understand why you may have stayed too long?
by giving up the need to understand.
9. How do you readjust to not having that person in your life anymore?
by going on with your life as usual ... i don't remember actually, i just fell into a whole new fabulous routine/life of travel and leisure.
10. What is the single biggest mistake you should not make after going through a break up if you want to heal?
call the Ex.
11. How can you find new meaning in your life after a relationship breakup?
i created the meaning, it's an ongoing process.
12. How do you deal with trying to forgive and forget when you are still hurting so much?
by knowing that forgiving is about you not anyone else
13. How can you see your part in the break up without beating yourself up?
by knowing that i did my best
14. Why is "letting go" so essential if you are going to move from where you are now to having a happy, healthy and more joyful life?
two choices, being stuck or letting go. no brainer!
15. What are most powerful questions you should ask yourself to help you with the letting go process?
DO I WANT TO CONTINUE WITH MY LIFE? Hell, yes of course!
16. How do you deal with all the "what ifs" and "should haves" that pop into your mind after a break up?
by not wasting my time dealing with it.
17. How do you stop yourself from thinking that you could have done more to save the relationship?
by sleeping.
18. How do you know when it is no longer beneficial to continue to dissect what went right and what went wrong and whether you should have stayed or not?
it was never beneficial.
19. How do you give up the feeling that you have been robbed of your future because of the break up?
by not taking the role of the victim or the loser.
20. How do you let go of someone you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life?
by knowing that i want to be treated the same way if i were in his shoes.
21. How do you get your previous partner out of your head when you are in bed trying to get to sleep?
think of work instead. i remember trying to learn how to set-up sunmicro machines in the cleanroom to monitor the furnace.
22. How do you get over a relationship when you still have a strong feeling that that person is your soul mate?
wait til you've lost that love and feeling he he.
23. How do you get over the guilt now that the relationship has ended?
guilt trips are a waste of time so i never took the guilt trips. i did my best, i know that for sure.
24. What is the fastest and most efficient way to learn to forgive the other person and yourself after the breakup?
by knowing that forgiving is about you not anyone else. makes it easier that way.
25. How do you get closure if he or she won't talk to you?
i didn't require closure. is that strange?
26. How do you deal with the fear of the unknown while keeping optimistic and confident about your future after a break up?
facing the future head on, knowing that i am well-equipped to thrive in whatever circumstances that may come my way.
27. What is the single biggest thing you'll need to do in order to move on after a break up?
stop acting like a victim and expecting to get a "poor-baby" sympathy. everyone has problems; things happen, it's not the end of the world. Get over it.
28. How long should you wait after a break up to get into another relationship?
a new guy came along. i went for it. life is short!
29. How do you keep past hurts in the past and keep them from ruining new relationships?
by not comparing.
30. When do you know that you've truly let go, moved on and found the answer to the lesson to be learned from your past relationship?
when the memories of what happened don't make me cry anymore and realizing that i thrived inspite of; also when i started being thankful and acknowledging what a charmed life i have.

Answers (email me for your contribution)

Let's hear it from friends, readers, who shall remain nameless regarding their thoughts and comments on these:
1. What are the 10 steps to healing from a relationship breakup?
A: Mourning. Cry at night, day, loudly, quietly, alone, amongst friends, inside the comfort room cube, at your desk, on the phone with a friend, on the shoulder of a friend, to your mom, cry when you remember the places you have been to, at the music, the scent, anything that reminds you of your lost love, just let it flow. Cry for your loss, the uncertainties, the fears. You will start to deny things at first, and then hope, but that is still part of it. Then comes picking up the pieces of your self, your shattered self esteem. You will ask and try to understand, but you can't and mustn't. I read a lot of stuff to help me get through thi trial, and i prayed unceasingly to help me regain my center. When you can talk about it, you have moved to the next step. Then you should focus on yourself- what do you want? Ask yourself this hard question, then just do it. Keep yourself busy. That's the rest of the 10 steps. I did yoga, im taking docent training course, next weekend badminton course, and i still have a long list to consider (diving! travel!).
Lei:I know I’ve truly let go when:
- Ill wishes for the ex were replaced with good and sincere ones. Okay, I’m not playing saint here. It took me a while to realize that if anything, I should only wish the person well. After all, he’s been a part of a big chunk of my prime years. One way or the other, he’s played a role in who I became today. And I like the person I am now -- wiser, stronger and better in many ways.
- Old pictures, places and songs associated with the ex make me smile instead of cry. Smile in a way that makes me feel how I’ve grown since.
- referring to the ex is by first name again rather than “jerk” or “loser”.

Top 30

Dear Divina,

Well, here it is. I applaud you for being my number 1 support system in the Philippines (the other top notch is Ime, who is in Malaysia). I know how crazy your schedule is, and that there are other things occupying your mind, but we are kindred spirits, and I thank you for your precious time. I am indebted and will forever be grateful for you rallying up my spirits.

Ime asked me to write a book about this experience, a guide to getting over a broken heart. We should! We can do it in a He says, she says, or in a top 40 format. I am not embarrased to admit that I turn to the internet when a dilemma hits me. I google everything,as I know most people do. There is actually a book out there, but we like open source, so here it is. These are NOT my questions, these are questions culled from the internet. Fire away. Answer it in your own style. I will too.
Note: This has nothing to do with the ex- and everything to do with you!

1. What are the 10 steps to healing from a relationship breakup?
2. How can you avoid staying stuck in your pain after a break up?
3. What should you do in order to heal when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about you?
4. What are some tricks for dealing with the fear and low self-esteem that comes as a result of a relationship breakup?
5. What are the best ways to deal with the pain caused by fear of failure after the break up?
6. What do you do if you are feeling like a failure because of the breakup?
7. How do you replace pain with possibility and positive thoughts after a relationship breakup?
8. How can you understand why you may have stayed too long?

9. How do you readjust to not having that person in your life anymore?
10. What is the single biggest mistake you should not make after going through a break up if you want to heal?
11. How can you find new meaning in your life after a relationship breakup?
12. How do you deal with trying to forgive and forget when you are still hurting so much?
13. How can you see your part in the break up without beating yourself up?
14. Why is "letting go" so essential if you are going to move from where you are now to having a happy, healthy and more joyful life?
15. What are most powerful questions you should ask yourself to help you with the letting go process?
16. How do you deal with all the "what ifs" and "should haves" that pop into your mind after a break up?
17. How do you stop yourself from thinking that you could have done more to save the relationship?
18. How do you know when it is no longer beneficial to continue to dissect what went right and what went wrong and whether you should have stayed or not?
19. How do you give up the feeling that you have been robbed of your future because of the break up?
20. How do you let go of someone you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life?
21. How do you get your previous partner out of your head when you are in bed trying to get to sleep?
22. How do you get over a relationship when you still have a strong feeling that that person is your soul mate?
23. How do you get over the guilt now that the relationship has ended?

24. What is the fastest and most efficient way to learn to forgive the other person and yourself after the breakup?
25. How do you get closure if he or she won't talk to you?
26. How do you deal with the fear of the unknown while keeping optimistic and confident about your future after a break up?
27. What is the single biggest thing you'll need to do in order to move on after a break up?
28. How long should you wait after a break up to get into another relationship?
29. How do you keep past hurts in the past and keep them from ruining new relationships?
30. When do you know that you've truly let go, moved on and found the answer to the lesson to be learned from your past relationship?

Excitement

Something excites me , it's the combination of a new-found freedom, my independence, and the power to choose. Free will is so powerful. I have the power to create a new life out of choices i make. .

Badminton

I hook up with F, and he connects me with an instructor for my badminton session next sunday. My sister and i will have our session next week. The cost:P300 per head for 2 hours, plus court rental. F reminds me i have to get the proper shoes. Damage:P2,500 minimum, a yonex will cost P4,990. What the heck, i am making health a priority, so i will try this new sports. My sister asks jokingly if we can rent the shoes,similar to bowling. I'm thinking along the same line-it is going to be a commitment to be buying those shoes. I'm not ready to commit.

Metaphor; Metamorphosis

I watch as Frank climbs the ladder of trust, begins to free fall onto our outstretched hands, his mouth wide open,gagging and gasping for breath, hands flailing in the air, until finally his arms grasped the first thing that it can hold on to, hitting Jaime and big brother in the face. This teambuilding exercise relies on a person trusting his team mates to catch him as he announces," I'm falling!". As Frank's fall ends up in a sham, i find a metaphor in it. It's like someone in deep shit, who, in his effort to redeem himself but not doing what one is supposed to do, ends up hurting the persons nearest him. Trusting is hard when you let the fears control you. In this exercise, one panicked, another chose not to do the task, and another went up, only to come down with heart palpitating but not completing the task.

***

The next stage of healing is acceptance and this means facing all fears and completely letting go. I must admit i've moved on, but onto where? The path is not yet clear, and i'm muddying it up by exploring all possibilities at the tempo i'm used to. Contemplate a path to growth,you must , i seem to hear Yoda speak. Embrace your destiny, for it will reveal itself soon, when you are no longer anxious.

***

My person of character today is a 70 year old man who spoke of art in a manner and tonality that evoked something in me. He spoke of the artist's work this way,"...it may seem like a drab of color, but the strokes of the paintbrush tell how the artist is feeling, his choice of colors, always subdued, speaking from an almost meditational approach, as he studied calligraphy and the japanese culture. There is a sense of balance, from the juxtaposition of lines and colors. A painting should evoke depth to the viewer, but it should,at the end of the day, bring you back to a two-dimensional object..." I stood listening to Dr. Rod Perez at the Ayala Museum as he spoke of contemporary art in contrast to classical art, without any notes. This Fullbright scholar and Harvard alumni used the english language and his words sounded almost lyrical. Hearing someone with a passion speak is almost always interesting, i feel i get a piece of that person, and i take it with me. That,folks, is art appreciation.

Beach Talk

I was seated at the beach, sipping a san mig light and big brother grabs the seat next to me asking about the boyfriend in singapore and asks what im going to do about it. There was an uncomfortable silence as my colleagues from marketing looked on (they just recently found out,and arestill in shock). Nobody tried to answer for me until kuya said '"You dont have to answer that "and turns to xtin who has been engaged far longer than all of us. We were making small talk, and somebody told me it would be best if people knew so there is finality to it, and i get around to telling him. He was taken aback, asked why (i shrugged my shoulders),and how long we've been together. A few more sips of beer, and he begins to tell his story. Before marrying his wife a year ago (they were both 37),he said Melissa broke up with him because he said he was not ready to get married. He said he cried in front of her, but then after two weeks he saw FREEDOM and began dating the girls he's had the hots for. He said he had so much fun because he said if he was single, he might as well enjoy it and see where it will lead to. "After some time," he told me," I realized two things-either i will die early or i will die alone." The dying from fun is from too much alcohol and partying, while the dying alone is the result of feeling empty. After 4 months of living it up, he started talking again to Melissa especially when he saw her bagan dating. He said men are territorial so i should go out and have fun out there. "You're still young, enjoy your freedom. I found out that the right one for you will be an amalgamation of all the qualities you are looking for-and for me it was someone who's smart,kind,beautiful, fun. Marriage, will come if it's meant to be. Surprisingly,it turned our much better than i thought it would." Before we could finish his theory on the neanderthal polygamous husband and the faithful wife, the doctor steers the conversation towards adultery, and his nonexistent girlfiend (he is so gay).

Just Jerking Around

I'm not a prude but it's a scary world out there. Some men are just jerks. I ask about somebody's broken heart. He says," i need sex." The scary part are lines like these,"we're on the same boat, want to reach the same destination?" ha-ha-ha

Swimming!

I justify my reckless spending as part of the summer season, and many shops with a new collection of fun, sexy and comfy swimwear. My shops of choice:
1. Nothing but water (they listened to shoppers who like me, like the tankini collection)
2. Speedo (I love their separates)
3. Soak swimwear (they're new and I like their designs although they should also have 1 piece, tankini and board shorts).







I bought the following:

1. navy blue Baku boardshorts, with white outer trim- really cute!
2. a 2-piece Speedo swimwear. What can I say, it is sexy.
3. Of course I will cover this up with a white tank top.

Baduy!

Odd Jobs

As Janet strips me freakishly painfully for a wax treatment, I asked myself how i got into this. I am naked, lying on a cot, as her gloved hand runs through me, she warns me when it's time to wax off,and i heave. She must like her job, to be looking at you know what all day and still manage to tell ordinary day stories of her marriage and her man. it takes an hour, and i said to myself,why do i always say yes to a plus sell. I only wanted a leg wax.
********
When i was in Nagano ,Japan in 1995-96, i fell in love with their small shops. In particular, i imagined myself owning a flower shop and a coffee house. The shops are,like many shops in japan,small in size and are adjacent to one other, located in the main streets of the town, each shop defining the character of the town and prefecture. The set-up of the flower shop is similar to the mall setup of Holland Tulip shops here in manila,except my shop would have lots of flowers and i'd make some arrangements myself, using not just flowers,but twigs,berries and a whole range of creations that i'd make a name for myself. Then, at that time i reminded myself,this fantasy was based on the premise that it would not be an ambitious job. The barista/coffeehouse scene was probably inspired by Jennifer Aniston's Rachel character in friends,since i also envisioned a tiny apron and the haircut. The fantasy job meant assuming a different personality,and with no responsibility, just assuming an ordinary bloke's life. I guess for guys, working at a record house,-the obscure record kind of shop,with hard to find, no local release/japan import only copies of some unknown band with a cult following from young men, i guess that's the equivalent. I've always had an arty side of me-in fact,that was the course i wanted to take up in college (well,either fine arts or journalism,anyway),but i knew i couldn't live on it. How about being a proponet of a shadow play production house? It would mean introducing the play, doing the behind the scene work, and getting sponsorhips and organizations to produce my plays? I knew it was going to be hard, just as Bienvenido Santos described how a filipino english writer of his stature ends up in rickety hotels when he does a speaking engagement or a book tour.
*******
Next week, i am excited to reconnect with art,history and the other side of my brain that got locked up since it was told it couldn't pay for a meal. I joined Ayala museum's docent program. For those interested, application will still be acccepted until wed, april 18. Workshop begins on apr 21, for 5 saturdays until may 19. No waxing required.

The Year of Magical Thinking

Title borrowed from Joan Didion's book on overcoming grief.....I have a theory, and actually, it may have already been proven by some, so let me rephrase that- i have a testimonial.....When i woke up today, focusing on my path, realizing i am surrounded by many people who support me, and love me, the pain was less pronounced, and there was,yes, joy in my heart. I can now smile, engage in friendly banter, and participate in normal social interactions. I know i have a purpose, and i should not quit trying to live to become the person God intended me to become.Slowly, i had no qualms about going at it alone.Deal with the cards laid out on my table, give it to me- i had less fear. There may be many lessons to be learned here -but let these words be again heard, pain and shattered dreams can break you open, but deciding to overcome this, this thought alone will make the soul rise up and the world beckons to your calling. Anything goes! Whatever happens, I will be ok. So today, I faced many dreams of mine and actually did something about it. All bets are off! Life, as it turns out, with all its twists and turns, can be exciting.

Finally.

When he finds what he's looking for, remind him to be grateful. When he gets there, help him find the courage to stay. Guide him in his way, light up his path, and may your fullness of joy be enough to satisfy him in this quest. I wish him love, and this is goodbye.

Kids, Swimming, Tagaytay, Kids, Food, Kids

First of all, Happy Easter!

I looked around at activities and places to bring kids. I asked my friends who have kids, looked at newspapers for events/things to do. It depends on the budget but here are some of the things I found out were worth doing:

1. Buy an inflatable pool, lay it out in your garage or if you live in Sampaloc, lay it out on the street, gather the kids who have their pools, pour water using your good old pail from water gathered last night, and make them swim. At the end of their swimming, Tito Estong brought out his blue picnic table and asked the kids to eat the fried chicken, rice and Coke they prepared. We gave them watermelon, and I took their pics. They looked like they had fun, and it didn't matter to them if they were in Boracay or Leyte del Sur!


2. Bring them to the zoo. The Manila Zoo is still the cheapest and most fun for the kids at only P30 (for Manila residents). The Tagaytay zoo at the residence inn is a private zoo and is "a robbery" (as my Taiwanese friend would say it) at P99 for adults and P50 for kids. The play area is dirty, although the music kept Ysa dancing for a good 30 minutes, singing along to the music, pointing her ears, eyes and counting as she sings to the kiddie music.



3. Any mall with a good play area. I found out that although I wouldn't go near The Marketplace (hahaha- this is the one in Kalentong), they have a good floor of a play area, and clean too. I mean it, an entire floor of rides, inflatables, infant area (where a DVD is set up), books and puzzles, slides and complete with 2 basketball hoops. The best part is that it only costs P70/hour compared to Shangrila's P385 and the Fun Ranch at Tiendesitas for P195/hour.

4. Drive, drive, drive them around. My nephew Miguel, who is four, and my niece Ysabel who is 2 both love me or do they love my car more? When they see me, they know they will go out and they will have a good time. They like riding in the car, period. I took them today to Tagaytay. I liked the drive because there is no traffic, I like seeing the greenery, and I really like the fresh air from Tagaytay. Some of the best restaurants there are- Buon Giorno for a good view and good italian food, steak by Chef Paul Huang at the Firelake Grill, the best salad at Sonya's garden, good food at Breakfast at Antonios , will check out Antonio's soon, Bag of Beans for their coffee and pies, Amira's for the best ube, apple and buco tarts, Mushroom Burger (for the novelty), Taal Vista for their breakfast buffet. I am such a foodie..

10 Minutes

Being with my family has helped me feel more secure and loved.but this did not mean i was able to stop the tears from falling. I cry in my room, and when my back is turned away from my sister. I cry at night, whenever the end of the day draws near. This is how you kill a love. You have to cry each day, telling yourself it has ended, and that unrequited love will not go anywhere even if you cry buckets of tears or cry for just 10 minutes while trying to focus on the rest of your life. My heart fights with my head, and when i let the heart speak, it just reminds me of how broken i am. Beware of the unhappy person,my mind tells me. But i need to cry, for my soul feels the loss,and if i stifle my grief, i am going to get sicker.I tell myself to avoid,but if i must, cry just a little each day, hoping it will be less than yesterday, and maybe somewhere along the way, i'll realize it is dead,i cried the last, and that i stopped hoping for him to come back.

Why Today Matters

I switched from listening to Mo Twister's rants to listening to powerful words and messages from John Maxwell. I need to remind myself daily why today matters. I keep looking back at the past where i see my biggest mistake was overestimating the future. Today matters because what I do today determines my future. Believe me, i no longer wish to understand what happened, but instead i make a commitment to be the best person i can be- for others, and for myself.

It's April

I felt alone in my own home so I decided to pack my stuff and camp at my mama's. It is safe there. I go overboard and brought home some goodies-crab and squid balls would be good with broth (i still feel sick and i have wheezing cough at night, keeping me awake) and lots of movies to watch. I try to control my thinking. It's a battle of wits as one tries to control the second mind, the mind that wants to take over and reduce me to shreds. I try each day and i can only cling to the Lord. Although I have friends and family, I must rely on myself and no one else to pull through this.