She says, She says

Happier? Too happy last night.
Shopping. Dancing. Drinking.
Ended up being tucked in bed by Cie at 2:30 am.
"Buti na lang I was already wearing a nightie when I went out noh?," slurring me says to her.
"Tomorrow we go shopping again," she replies.
She says that like she said this:
"Let's go to Europe."
I retorted, maybe even complained:
"I can't afford it."
She says
"Just imagine the thought."
I soo get it.
Darn. Girl. I love our friendship.
Aren't we smart,lucky and blessed?
Yes we do.
Harharhar.

The Truth Is... It Doesn't Matter Why

" I like DEAD END signs..
I think they're kind.
They at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere"
-Bugs Bunny

I woke up today dreaming or thinking (I can't disconnect the two in the groginess of the morning)," Why did he leave? , "Why can't I just make thoughts about him go away? Why do I get teary-eyed still when I hear from his friends who ask me how I am and want to see me? Why? Why? Why?"

The truth is, it doesn't matter why. Yes, yes, you (and you) told me that, many times over. And the more important question is, "WHAT can I do today to make things better?"

The truth is, happiness is a daily decision. Once I set my mind to give it my all for the day, I am fine. Sometimes, when it's a bad day, I tell myself," just another hour and the day is over."

The truth is, as somebody told me "You should be over him NOW!"

***

Actually I have one single goal now, and you guys know what it is: to change my body, to be physically fit, to be more active. I have taken diet pills over the past years and all it ever did was make my heart palpitate, make me dehydrate and make me feel good for a month, after which I'd start regaining pounds. I've spent thousands of money on diet pills that would have been better spent on a lifetime gym membership. Why? Because I am impatient. I want instant results; because I didn't want to exert effort.

The truth is, I should allow myself time to improve. I need to be more patient and persistent. I'm giving myself 6 months to see progress. I am committed to do whatever it takes. Andrew Matthews said setting a goal is important not for what you get or accomplish in the end, but for what you BECOME. And you know what?
So far, it has helped me feel better.
When I fell better , I think better,
When I think better, I act better.
And when I act better, I am happier.

***

Book List

I am currently reading 5 books. A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, Good to Great by Jim Jollins, Naked by David Sedaris, Tipping Point and Bill Clinton's thousand pager book. I doubt I will finish the last (OK, I admit, I already gave up after I finished the chapter where Bill proposed to Hillary; but I gotta read the Monica Lewinsky part)- but I am already salivating at Powerbooks' new listing:

1. The Dip

From a critic: "The one possible weakness of this otherwise terrific little volume is that it is aimed solely at people who are creative, intelligent and want to succeed. Those who are mediocre, unmotivated or just coasting through life will probably not get much from Godin. He is not an elitist, but his message is squarely aimed at those who want to succeed or at least achieve excellence."

2. Joy of Mixology:The Consummate Guide to Bartender's Craft


After I take up a cooking class on appetizers and salads, yes?


3. Go Put Your Strengths to Work


A funny story on this one. Or sad. I had a very exhilarating time dancing to the 80s tune of a hi-lo aero class from a bading who came from San Francisco when I went to Gold's Gym Makati for the first time. I was doing fine at the beginning even if it was an advanced class, but then this guy from a row behind started edging his way onto the front as the steps got more complicated. He is so white, so Chinese and so buffed, to be in perfect sync with the instructor. I let him lead, after all, he is so good. And I'm, well, average-ish? But oh, what a feeling. Maybe it's not too late to change careers, and put our strengths to work.


3. A Hatful of Seuss: Five Favorite Dr. Seuss Stories



4. 101 Poems That Could Save Your Life: An Anthology of Emotional First Aid


5. 101 of the World's Best Houses



6. 50 of the World's Best Apartments




7. 48 Laws of Power

I want to have a "THICK FACE, BLACK HEART". Yeah, baby!


8. A Guide for Grown-ups: Essential Wisdom from the Collected Works of Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Everyone is Lonely

This, coming from my favorite marketing guy, Seth Godin

"Everyone is lonely. People spend money (and make money) and join organizations and invest time and enormous energy to solve this problem. Every day."

On blogging, this is what he has to say:

Just one post

A lot of people have blogs. But most people don't.

I think you should. Even if you only have one post in you.

Having a blog is pretty daunting, especially if you don't like blank paper and are the sort of person that hates falling behind. I can imagine that the idea of posting 50 or 300 times a year is a little bit nuts for many people.

But what if there's just one thing you need to say, but you can say it clearly and well and in a way that hasn't been said before? What if you've got one great blog post inside of you, and, even better, you're willing to update that post as you learn more and gain more insight?

An entire post about a certain kind of fossil. Or the misuse of a certain word. Or about a key difference between two kinds of bluetooth...

Why not?

****
I am not in the zone, and my random thoughts are boring me; often wondering what the point of all this is.
Am I saying it clearly? I circumvent, use too many words, we've established that, and I acknowledged that.
In a way that hasn't been said before? Surely others have said it, and in less words, too.

What is this blog space all about, other than the musings of a single thirtysomething? Should it be impersonal and revolve around commentaries on shoes?
I guess my point is, I'm trying to find out how to best live this single life, my life. Whether temporary or not, eventful or boring; involving shoes, men, work or not; stories crafted or true to life, they will keep coming. Where does it all end? I am just as curious. I guess it all ends when I can no longer write.

Breathe Me

I just finished watching Six Feet Under. It is remarkably one of the best shows I've seen on TV. Kudos to HBO. Again. The show is so real- about love, life, death.
The grand theme of the show: we all die, it’s sudden, and it’s final – live your life the way you want to live it right now. According to Peter Krause, who plays Nate Fisher, that "It (the show) was an incredible exploration of human life.". The show ends with Claire Fisher driving onto her future with this song in the background.

Breathe Me by Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

The Cure for Unhappiness

"The cure for unhappiness is happiness, I don't care what anyone says." Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again


It's hard not to think about one's past or future when a birthday is coming up... I remember wanting the name Maya for a daughter, and he told me he wanted five kids, 2 dogs, a pickup and 2 vespas. I laughed and told him what a work that would be.

I hoped for a future with him, and it will take a while to undo this as dreams have been spun, pages woven, words have been said, imprints long formed and molded. It was almost set...


It has been four months and I have not heard a word from him. He told me not to hold my breath the last time we talked, and as I was leaning my arm onto the car window today, looking out onto the traffic, I realized I've been holding my breath, waiting for closure, waiting for him to come back; for anything that would make me fully comprehend that it's over, or not. The tears still fall, because no matter how many people think I am strong and can do this, and even if I know I can face life after this, there is a part of me that cries for the loss. Not just because I loved him more than any other; not just because I spent almost a lifetime with him, not because I lost a friend and lover, but also because I lost myself.

A future without him may be good riddance, after all how can he just leave, right? But that is the premise of free will, to leave when we are no longer happy, and to have the right to pursue our own happiness. So at this very moment, I am thinking, this is it. This is a life-changing moment, and I should say goodbye to the past, and embrace, tenderly welcome this graceful moment where life offers the chance to start over. To find myself, and to find my own happiness.

My Two Cents.. on Sports Supremacy

After so many years of my tushy being idle, I vowed to be more active this year with my quest for sports supremacy. (Ok, that's so not me, I sounded just a little OTT- over the top). Here is my two cents' worth of opinion on the matter:

1. Showing up is the first and most crucial decision to make. When I was enrolled at the Discovery Suites, I found so many reasons not to go to the gym- it was a little far; inconvenient; i had no parking; out of the way, etc. Now that our gym membership is at Gold's Gym Galeria, yeah, I still came up with a number of excuses. Finally I just asked myself if I wanted to go, I went; if I didn't want to, I didn't.

2. Alternate activities. I started going to the gym 2 years ago and I only attended aero, martial arts and cardio classes. This year, I attended the spinning classes of David (love the challenge), toning classes with Connie, belly dancing, cardio martial arts with John, taekwondo classes, hi-lo. I also began to do ellipticals and now I am doing treadmills for 1 hour. My goal is to increase calorie burning to 500 calories per session- this is the easiest way to lose fat faster. Did I say easy? Burn, baby, burn!

3. Find your ideal workout time. I used to go after work, but since I am a morning person, I tried going to the gym at around 6:45 AM. It is working out so far, since I am now into my 3rd week of going there in the morning on weekdays.

4. Relax on weekends. I do not pressure myself to go on weekends, but to compensate for my relaxed eating habit on weekends, knowing I had to burn it off harder the following week, I started going on weekends too, at odd hours, mostly before hearing mass at Edsa shrine. The key I think, is balance. I like indulging, but once I started burning 400 calories, I knew how difficult it was. That's why , I think, it is called "working" out.

5. Discover new activities. I also tried badminton, and found out this makes me sweat easily, and that as a competitive person, its rudiments works out well for me. I try to improve, and push myself to the limit; even if I'm a class F player. Ha-ha! My objective is to lose weight and stay active, not to become a professional!

6. Have fun! Just like eating where we try out new dishes and restaurants to enhance an experience, so should it be in our choice of activities. I am going to go back to yoga next month, and then maybe try some other sports in the future. Hopefully, one that would not require too much investment. Whew! It can be costly. So anything that involves a yoga mat, swimsuits, indoor and outdoor rubber shoes, climalite shirts and pants, I will be fine. Although I was thinking of camping last night....

Mitch Valdez and Rico J Puno

What: Mitch Valdez and Rico J. Puno's live musical show dubbed ,"MR2..Online!"
Where: Music Museum, Greenhills
When: June 15-16, 8 PM

Orchestra tickets arrive at my table, I got nothing to do on a Friday night, and I could sure use a dose of infectious laughter, so I am going. I remember Mitch Valdez as the short-haired lady who didn't wear a bra on noontime TV! Talk about a diva. Rico J..hmnn..I want to gauge his sex appeal, even if he is old enough to be my father. God, how time flies!

But what's with the vague title? MR2? Online??? There is no marketing appeal to the show title as it is generic, unforgettable, and even confusing.

Postscript: Rico J. Puno's newly tufted head, his sexual jokes, and grammar (har har har) were sometimes distracting, plus he could have rehearsed more with Mitch. Mitch could have sang more (she had more kwento and jokes), but the show was mildly entertaining. Rico's sex appeal does not appeal to me, but I would have watched his solo show anytime because of his raspy, quality voice that do well with Tagalog songs (Apo's Nakaw na Sandali, plus many other signature songs). Eventhough age has made it harder for him to complete breathing on his notes, his voice, and style, is truly, one of a kind. And that's what people pay to see. I don't pay to see just the average.

How to Make New Friends... in Bangkok

I am not traditional in many ways, and can easily make friends when I choose to. One time I went on a trip to Bangkok for a seminar and registered on the first day. On the second day, I skipped the morning session and decided to do the day tour for a tour of the Grand Palace, the Emerald Buddha, plus pit stops to the jewelry and leather goods shops. As you can see, I was not able to come back for the afternoon session. Instead, I found myself surrounded by two old couples, standing amidst golden throne halls and phallic symbols.



******
At night, I hooked up with friends of a friend, whom I met at a local bar. As usual, they are Pinoy OFWs, mostly IT guys who have been in Bangkok for 6 months or so. I did not find it weird to hang out with them, total strangers, for they seeemed much like my college classmates at the faculty of engineering- the ones who taught me Pusoy Dos and made me see porno movies while we did our thesis. It was not surprising then that they brought me to Hollywood after having enough of the bar scene. Hollywood is disco/entertainment- complete with a stage full of 19 and below youngsters-girls and boys, who perform on stage in skimpy, yet wholesome outfits. Ok, not so wholesome, but it leaves something to the imagination as the girls gyrate to the beat and pump it up. Men just loved the sight of young women with flawless skin and pussycat shorts, complete with state of the art lights and sounds. I didn't notice it but we were dancing, getting wasted as the night wore on, as shot after shot of cocktails and tequila made me begin to think I was as thin as the Thai ladies onstage. At around 2 AM, one of the guys brought me home, and I almost puked on him. He brought me to my hotel room, and I was so naive not to think he'd want something something because he wanted to stay and make sure I was all right, but I still had enough sense to know that he was not my type, no can do.

*****
The night before I flew back to Manila, I met up with the Atenista who treated me to a dinner and accompanied me to the night market, not at Chatukak, or Ma Boon Krong, but to another one just at the outskirts of the city. We took the MRT, or Taxi, I don't recall, but at moment I wished I didn't have Toot Toot so I can kiss him. Instead, I contented myself with him shopping with me, ala boyfriend, scoping stall after stall of clothing, household needs, souvenirs, and other goods. We spent two hours poring over CDs, shoes,candles and he even helped me pick out shirts for my guy. Like the other guys, A was also in Thailand for a long-term assignment, and wanted me to extend my stay, at his unit. I didn't have enough gumption to take up his offer, although we have been flirting over the years, over many countries, but virtually just over YM. We had our moment, and (sadly) I was attached at that time, eventhough many friends say he is perfect for me, if only he were more mabait. Yeah, right.

*****
It is street by day, and entertainment by night. The Pepsi guys accompanied me to Patpong. We were curious to see the unique brand of entertainment there, but before we got to any of the open doors, I was besieged by barkers selling fake LV leather goods. So as usual, I was drawn to shopping, and before I knew it, this local was negotiating with me, because everytime he'd show the price and I'd walk away, he'd compute new figures with his calculator and then of course I'd say no ( I wasn't even interested in the fake goods because hello, greenhills!). Finally I said no, and what did the guy say to my face?
"F_ck u!"

Welcome to Patpong!

*****
Patpong's ladies are not attractive, the pretty ones are actually gayboys- they had a name for them, but at this moment I forget. Before John and I selected a bar, the curious me went to the flock of men to see what the fuss was all about. They all turned to look at me when I finally made it to the front- they were looking at a special "menu". A list of live shows to watch- from couples getting at it on a motorcyle, to man to man, girl to girl, man to boy, man to animal. I was out in a jiffy, and proceeded to the more standard offering.

****
We had center seats, and I remarked to John that they aren't so lovely, these bar girls, and how come she has puson. John told me their talent lies in other areas. As I sat there sipping my margarita, I wondered why I wasn't flustered when pins popped out of their v_g_nas, hitting the balloons situated right on top of me.

These are some of my memories of Bangkok. I bet it hasn't changed.

Here Comes The Rain Again

Melancholy always sets in when rain starts to fall. It signals the end to the carefree summer days. 'Tis a relief from the unbearable heat, yet a smattering dose of rain kind of "rains" on everyone's parade. Summer is the season of love, of getting away with bikini and short shorts, an escape to the humdrum of life. It speaks of youth, of yesteryears, of the good old days- the best years of our lives.

I hear the rain outside, and as midnight comes closing in, I think of my youth. I see pictures and electronic images of my past come flashing by. I think of Jie Fun, the ancient town in Taipei, where I learned the art of preparing and drinking tea.


Memories came rushing in as I walk its cobbled stones, and partake of their traditional food. It rained a bit that day, and my soul instantly, through my imagination, felt the connection of the past. I imagined living at the old times, walking this same path, partaking in the tea ceremony, and looking out the window, awaiting for him to come home before the night fell. I drown my worries in tea, sipping it one teacup at a time, keeping my hands steady, and my heart still.


I looked at the faces of my many friends; of happy days of summers spent at the beach. Driving through lazy towns of Batangas, Lipa, Zambales, I hear laughter from Buboy, Chichi, Mark and Cedric. These 16 year old boys, what do they know? As they slip into the darkness, swimming in the nude and dancing in front of the bonfire, I gaze at their exuberant faces, faces that had no worries about tomorrow. We would go back many times to that beach.

The rain won't let up, and memories come flooding in. I remember one summer love, whilst it was fleeting, it was very vivid, reminding me of butterflies in my stomach and cold, damp hands. I recalled an affair. I remembered the desire in the eyes, the look of desire that could tell a thousand words. Woe to those who can read what the lips don't say!

I remember the tender loving care, the music in my ears, the massage of my feet. I remember the softly spoken words, the sweet kisses on my face. I remember kindness, and warm embraces.

When I look back, I get to enjoy my life once again.
But I wish it would stop.
The rain.
The memories.

I fell off a chair. I literally fell off my chair.
Just when you start to take yourself seriously, the world always tells you you are not always in control. Ha-ha-ha!

Mean and Bitter vs Girly and Sentimental

You hurt me.
I am scarred
and broken
and stiff.

No matter what I do,
how I try,
I can not feel,
but be mean
and bitter.
I lash out to the world-
Oh what a misery I've become.

Except-
I face life with a smile.
I grow sentimental and
write poetry,
listen to music,
sing songs!
I yearn for my dreams
of long ago
and question what tomorrow
may bring.

I laugh, I eat;
I breathe, I cry,
I panic, I die.
I think, and I sparkle;
I write and I mumble.
I am certain, then I fumble;
I am confident, I am weary.


All these things-
when all I wanted
all I ever really wanted,
was to be
with you.
And all you could tell me,
was to move on,
so you can move on.


I am mean
and bitter,
and girly
and sentimental,
And how,
oh how I hate it so.

A Peach Farm in Nagano,Japan

Ever wonder how a peach farm looks like?

I'm feeling a bit sentimental, and this picture of quaint Nagano made me recall poignant memories of Japan. I remember the moment when I took this shot. If I close my eyes, I can hear the wind's slight breeze; there is also a flavorful aroma, with just a hint of sweetness in the air. I remember seeing this couple, who took the time out to enjoy each other in the midst of nature. This was taken May 8, at summer time, during the one week Natsuyasumi (summer holiday). I took the bullet train (shinkansen) from Tokyo station, paying Y7000 for my 2-way ticket, (around P3500). As I wait for my train, I buy an o-bento box from a kiosk under the belly of the grand Tokyo station. I took the wrong train apparently because while the shinkansen was zooming its way out of the city, I heard a different destination being announced. I let out a cry of relief when I realized it will make another stop at Ueno station before taking a different path to Nagano. You see, that's why Lost in Translation is the central theme of my life.

I went to Nagano, the site of the 1998 winter olympics, to see old friends, I had been away from Japan since 1996 and this was my second time to visit Nagano, after 5 long years. God granted my wish to visit this wonderful place again. Cielo and I had the chance to rekindle our relationship with our adopted mother (okaa-san), who exclaimed my Nihongo has gotten so much better when I called from Tokyo to tell her I was visiting her. I was getting lonely in Tokyo with my routine of home-office-convenience store-videoshop-apatoo (apartment), sometimes uttering only one word, "ashita" (Japanese word for tomorrow) for the day, telling the videoshop clerk I was returning the tape the following day. In Nagano I met the kindest people, and it seems a complete irony that these are the people who could kill and die savagely. But I kind of see it now; their "motherland" is a haven. This is the only land they know, they have protected this from foreign rule for over 300 years, and they would do anything- kill, die, for their motherland. Their land is of beauty, and their culture, even more so. To me this is closest to paradise.

I'm feeling sentimental, and this photo is just the right way to express it.

Guide to Independent Living

It's not all fun and play. Believe me, living away from home-cooked meals and the comfort of having someone being in control of your home and its many responsibilities is tempting, but alas, as one grows older, there needs to be space to be able to live your life as you make your own choices. Every moment though is yours for the taking; even if you don't want to take charge, you are in charge! Some lessons after one year of living on my own.

1.Mango stain on the couch does not match the throw pillows. So not worth it. I just found the solution: pop Six Feet Under and all appetite appeal goes away.
2. Wear gloves when cleaning the toilet and do not put too much cleanser to compensate for the fact that you did not clean it last week or the week before that.
3. The dirty dishes will still be there when you get back from the gym, or when you wake up. They do not magically clean themselves.
4. Pancit canton qualifies as dinner. So does wine and cheese .
5. Never run out of low fat milk and water. The former as sustenance with nutrients, the later, well, at least you have water to offer your guests.
6. My guests love grapes, cheese, wine, and cold cuts. My other guests prefer san mig light, and lechon manok.

7. Dvd marathons can run all day and night.
8. Buy a bookcase when you have many books.
9. What does it mean when a guy gives you his spare key? That you are good friends!
10. Paper towels are for oil drippings. Don't eat fried foods to help the environment!
11. Food from salcedo market is expensive, especially if your inihaw na bangus (grilled indoors huh) with beer is a topseller.
12. Living Well means spending well at the podium.
13. If you can afford it, spend good money on a matress and 2 sets of bedsheets.
14. Independent living does not mean getting your meals from home and microwaving it. Note that cooked food does not magically appear inside the magic box (ref).
15. Grocery shopping, just like car washing, can be therapeutic.
16. Who are you when no one is watching? I leave that to the imagination
17. The best way to end your day is with a massage right at your own bed.
18. You can have delivered almost anything. Almost is the operative word.
19. Pay for quality. There is a reason for the price difference. An Ikea bathroom glass top is considered cheap, but when compared to the ones sold at Robinson's or Home Depot which is priced at P300, guess which one fails to hold my soaps and toothbrush set. I love Ikea.
20. Do-not-store-chips-chocolates-ice cream-decadent cakes. It's too much temptation!



IKEA linked to ikeaph.multiply.com
Valentines linked to Valentines.com.ph

Straight From the Mouth of Babes

mommy:Kuya, you see with your...?
miguel (4):Eyes.
mommy: Smell with your...?
miguel:Nose.
mommy: Hear with your...?
miguel: Ears.
mommy: Eat with your...?
miguel: Mouth.
mommy: Talk with your...?
miguel: PAPA!
***

Cha: "Anak, we still haven't decided whether we'd enroll you at Miriam College or let you stay at your current progressive school. Let us know what you think?"
Yobel (6): "I have many friends at my current school. At Miriam, I'll get to know many NEW friends!"
Cha and Rico: "Wow!"
***

I put a puffy dress on Ysa (2), and she instantly lifts the hemline with both hands, twirls, hums to herself then turns to me, saying "Let's dance!"
***

As we were going up the stairs to attend a birthday party for my 8yr old inaanak LA, Miguel sees the balloons and decorations. When he saw the cake and food on the table, he turns to his mommy with the biggest grin in the world and says, " Wow, for me??"

Level Up

On my way home from M at 2 am , wasted and gay, I realized my brain was in slo-mo and that I left my Swarovski namecard holder, which holds my cab fare. Numbed with wine and conversation, I laugh at myself for losing something again. I've been known to lose major stuff-diamond earrings, a brand new celphone, a scarf- when my mind is distracted. This is it, no big drama here as I rummage through my Lulu purse looking for cash, where I find a thousand bucks. Cielo calls to tell me she has my namecard holder and I tell her to keep it for the mean time. I've learned to cope; this is life. One learns to deal with the cards that are laid in our hands.

18th-19th Century Philippine Costumes

Happening this Monday at the Ayala Museum. Catch you there for a look, a chat, a sip or two, then we're ready to rumble!