(A Lesson in Driving ...For Girls)
a girl should drive, if she can
just take the wheel and step on the gas
shake off the weak knees and the cold hands
just drive, if you can.
a girl should drive, take the risk!
it's all in the mind, really.
as you take on uphill roads, highways and crazy taxicabs
turn the wheel, drive if you can.
a girl should drive to see the sights
to feel the speed, smell the ocean from afar,
discover new places; whether it's noon or night--
off you go, no one's there to stop you.
a girl should drive, unmindful of men and the way they see you drive.
"too slow", "be careful", "look in the mirror" they say
and then you do-- seeing yourself, saying silently
"I can drive!"
a girl should drive so she can use her time
growing, learning, getting lost,singing while driving,
be where she wants to be. Choices, choices--
there are no boundaries to where she can be.
a girl should drive, if she can. really.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Noise From Within
Today we learn about recurrence-meaningful repetition of words,images,ideas, phrases, sounds, objects or actions. Recurrence strengthens our writing, makes it more powerful and persuasive.
From the word MAYBE, we are asked to cluster. I penned on my paper- MAYBE life is really unfair,MAYBE it's time to run, MAYBE it's You, MAYBE I'm wrong, MAYBE you should know better, MAYBE I'll get some sleep. I chose the last statement, and clustered around this thought. This is what I came out with.
one by one the lights are dimmer,
and the noise grows faint.
slowly,gently, everything's quiet;
one bright light flickering away
until all there is-
is darkness.
softly, gently, i listen to the stillness of the night,
tossing and turning, until all the voices in my head are silenced.
a song to listen to, a book to read, until--
slowly, gently, the soft wind calms the spirit
and a lullaby sets me to sleep.
one by one, the lights are dimmer,
and the noise inside my head grows faint.
From the word MAYBE, we are asked to cluster. I penned on my paper- MAYBE life is really unfair,MAYBE it's time to run, MAYBE it's You, MAYBE I'm wrong, MAYBE you should know better, MAYBE I'll get some sleep. I chose the last statement, and clustered around this thought. This is what I came out with.
one by one the lights are dimmer,
and the noise grows faint.
slowly,gently, everything's quiet;
one bright light flickering away
until all there is-
is darkness.
softly, gently, i listen to the stillness of the night,
tossing and turning, until all the voices in my head are silenced.
a song to listen to, a book to read, until--
slowly, gently, the soft wind calms the spirit
and a lullaby sets me to sleep.
one by one, the lights are dimmer,
and the noise inside my head grows faint.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Write Down Your Dreams
I was reading snippets of the book Charmz and the Rotary Silangan gave me as (ahem, ahem) token for being the guest speaker the other night and I was struck by one chapter. Bo Sanchez wrote down his dreams, at some point in his life, and when he looked back years after, guess what? Most of them came true. It struck a nerve because I have this little notebook, a memento from one of those trips in Japan when I was 19, and it is handbounded by thread, where the cover opens from the end, and on the cover is an origami of a woman in kimono, except it is tattered now, and the black hair is gone. But there on the pages are the dreams I had when I was 19. The notebook fits perfectly in my bag organizer, so small it is now sitting alongside my Benefit and Nars make-up. I tell myself a writer should always have a pen and paper on hand, but I think it's because that tiny notebook is a reminder to myself to write new ones, because yes, most of them I have achieved.
And so, even if I have more gadgets than a girl should ever have, and more beautiful, bigger, made of finer paper notebooks, I'd like to hang on to this one and look at it from time to time, and when I have rewritten new ones, I will joyfully cross the old ones out. Those dreams were written in Mongol # 2 pencil, dated June 25, 1997, when my longhand was still legible.
Yes, it is time to write new dreams. I have big and small ones; it will be a longer list, this time, I'm sure. The best part about the act? It is free, and so spiritually healing.
I used to think that dreams end with the happy ever after line. I was so wrong. But who said one can't rebuild dreams in our most broken state? In fact, if there's any chance at all to start spinning new webs for new dreams, this is it. Time to start anew.
Let's see how it works out this time. I'm pretty sure, though, that it will be just like the first list, achievable, despite the odds. For I am not me, without the fighting spirit and the resilience of a warrior.
Chase after your dreams, write them down
one by one, list them, with no regard to time,
let the vision flow freely--look up to the stars
look up when you write them down!
chase after your dreams like a knight in the dark
seeing and believing, without groping or stumbling,
chase them like a child chases after fireflies,
chase them like the wind, like the thoughts in your brain.
chase after your dreams morning, noon and night,
pin them down,sleep with them,awaken in them
focus on the vision, never let go,
don't let yourself be eaten by the realities--
dont falter, don't let go.
chase after your dreams; work hard, work smart
rest when you're weary, but
chase them in your dreams, continue while asleep--
spinning,weaving, rebuilding hope.
chase after your dreams, do what you can
paint,write,make today what you can
when you look back, maybe you're half way there,
when you look back, you'll know you've reached that far
chase after your dreams.grow.
And so, even if I have more gadgets than a girl should ever have, and more beautiful, bigger, made of finer paper notebooks, I'd like to hang on to this one and look at it from time to time, and when I have rewritten new ones, I will joyfully cross the old ones out. Those dreams were written in Mongol # 2 pencil, dated June 25, 1997, when my longhand was still legible.
Yes, it is time to write new dreams. I have big and small ones; it will be a longer list, this time, I'm sure. The best part about the act? It is free, and so spiritually healing.
I used to think that dreams end with the happy ever after line. I was so wrong. But who said one can't rebuild dreams in our most broken state? In fact, if there's any chance at all to start spinning new webs for new dreams, this is it. Time to start anew.
Let's see how it works out this time. I'm pretty sure, though, that it will be just like the first list, achievable, despite the odds. For I am not me, without the fighting spirit and the resilience of a warrior.
Chase after your dreams, write them down
one by one, list them, with no regard to time,
let the vision flow freely--look up to the stars
look up when you write them down!
chase after your dreams like a knight in the dark
seeing and believing, without groping or stumbling,
chase them like a child chases after fireflies,
chase them like the wind, like the thoughts in your brain.
chase after your dreams morning, noon and night,
pin them down,sleep with them,awaken in them
focus on the vision, never let go,
don't let yourself be eaten by the realities--
dont falter, don't let go.
chase after your dreams; work hard, work smart
rest when you're weary, but
chase them in your dreams, continue while asleep--
spinning,weaving, rebuilding hope.
chase after your dreams, do what you can
paint,write,make today what you can
when you look back, maybe you're half way there,
when you look back, you'll know you've reached that far
chase after your dreams.grow.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Guest Speaker
I know, I know, I never knew I'd get to this point, but there I was yesterday, standing in front of a group of people, rotarians, all older than me. I was there upon the invitation of my friend Charmz because of her husband Rico, who sits as President of this particular rotary chapter. The first thing that struck me was how similar the set-up was with the Toastmaster session Cie and I attended at Greenhills months ago. Both flags of the rotary and the Republic of the Philippines are at the background, and there was a gavel used to command attention to start and end the session.
Everyone was clad in their navy blue blazer with various pins and I was struck by the presence of women. I thought most rotaries are exclusive to men. Well, apparently there are those types, and there are also the types that would hold session and have a drinking session at the same time. This chapter is mostly husband and wives, grandmothers, even, serious about serving others; after all, this is a civic organization. Later on, I asked Cha and Rico what their cause was, and they say there are various causes- education and to alleviate poverty amongst the top priorities. Right now they are building an education centre, through a $20M grant from Rotary International, which will be supported and implemented here by the various chapters involved in this herculean task.
The Tuesday session has its agenda included in a newsletter of some sort, complete with pictures of past sessions, announcements, birthday posts and other reminders to its members. They start promptly while others are having their dinner, and by the time I was introduced to speak, we were laughing because Charmz was heaping me with all these praises, being privileged to introduce one of her closest friends," who is a marketing manager, a writer, smart and beautiful..." At that point I was forced to make a comment that," That's why we're friends..., " to which the grandmothers beside me laugh in heartfelt appreciation.
I give my talk about what I do, how we make our business, and how what we do influences, improves people's lives. I opted to speak informally, and decided to use storytelling as a method. I talked and I realized this approach is effective if you're trying to tell a group about something new..and interesting. A rags to riches story is always interesting, mixed with chaos and challenges, and it is almost like a telenovela. I expected questions about franchising, and I told them upfront that I will not do any hardselling, and that I am leaving contact information for franchising inquiries. Later on, I get a lot of questions, almost one or two from each participant, and that's how I realized they found my story interesting.
There was Nanay, a woman in her 7Os, who I later learned,has contributed over P50,000 to the club last year, who made my night when she said, " I liked your promo where you give away free Nestea with my rice purchase. That's very good."
There was another lady, a doctor, who kept asking me if we were affected by Ministop. Turns out she owns buildings where she has leases to 2 Ministop outlets. I tell her to give us a crack at the site when the lease expires. She keeps remarking how young I look to be a manager. I tell her I am not that young, but in my heart I felt a better 25- well-liked by the women, admired by men. A better 25 because I don't care so much how others see me because I know myself better, and hopefully, well enough to make better choices in life.
Everyone was clad in their navy blue blazer with various pins and I was struck by the presence of women. I thought most rotaries are exclusive to men. Well, apparently there are those types, and there are also the types that would hold session and have a drinking session at the same time. This chapter is mostly husband and wives, grandmothers, even, serious about serving others; after all, this is a civic organization. Later on, I asked Cha and Rico what their cause was, and they say there are various causes- education and to alleviate poverty amongst the top priorities. Right now they are building an education centre, through a $20M grant from Rotary International, which will be supported and implemented here by the various chapters involved in this herculean task.
The Tuesday session has its agenda included in a newsletter of some sort, complete with pictures of past sessions, announcements, birthday posts and other reminders to its members. They start promptly while others are having their dinner, and by the time I was introduced to speak, we were laughing because Charmz was heaping me with all these praises, being privileged to introduce one of her closest friends," who is a marketing manager, a writer, smart and beautiful..." At that point I was forced to make a comment that," That's why we're friends..., " to which the grandmothers beside me laugh in heartfelt appreciation.
I give my talk about what I do, how we make our business, and how what we do influences, improves people's lives. I opted to speak informally, and decided to use storytelling as a method. I talked and I realized this approach is effective if you're trying to tell a group about something new..and interesting. A rags to riches story is always interesting, mixed with chaos and challenges, and it is almost like a telenovela. I expected questions about franchising, and I told them upfront that I will not do any hardselling, and that I am leaving contact information for franchising inquiries. Later on, I get a lot of questions, almost one or two from each participant, and that's how I realized they found my story interesting.
There was Nanay, a woman in her 7Os, who I later learned,has contributed over P50,000 to the club last year, who made my night when she said, " I liked your promo where you give away free Nestea with my rice purchase. That's very good."
There was another lady, a doctor, who kept asking me if we were affected by Ministop. Turns out she owns buildings where she has leases to 2 Ministop outlets. I tell her to give us a crack at the site when the lease expires. She keeps remarking how young I look to be a manager. I tell her I am not that young, but in my heart I felt a better 25- well-liked by the women, admired by men. A better 25 because I don't care so much how others see me because I know myself better, and hopefully, well enough to make better choices in life.
Monday, September 24, 2007
More Clustering
Because I have no time
To set my ladder up and climb
Out of the dung and the straw
Green poems laid in a dark store
Wither and grow soft
Like unturned apples in a loft.
-John Stallworthy
Without too much thinking, we are asked to choose three words from the poem, and to cluster around each word. I chose Time,Grow,Climb. I created a pageful of cluster for each word until I arrived at a statement for each, then I select one. Here it is:
The Most Important Time Is Now.
"I have time, that's all I have," I said this to L over a month ago when I offered to visit his parents in his absence, and see how they were.
But really, I was saying that to myself. I have only began to understand the importance of time as it is most often taken for granted. We arrive late at appointments, we vegetate, we switch channels poring over satellite stations;we choose to do nothing, and sometimes we do too much with so little time. We let time pass by participating in the humdrum of life's rituals, not understanding its richness. Some things take too long, and we wait in agony and irritation, often hurting the ones closest to us, and yet often, we look back saying, "Oh how time flies." Sometimes, when we close our eyes we are jolted by our past; there are regrets, and yes, sometimes, we can re-live the joys of the past.
It takes time to let go, but often, with my tempo, I force myself to rush on, to move on to the next phase, only to regress, and to waste more of that precious time. The most important time is now, and it is up to me how to use it. This time, I tell myself, don't settle, don't rush. No pressure, but to remember to use it wisely-- to understand where I want to be.
What I do today matters to me because I know it will shape my future. I choose life over death; to be grateful instead of sorrowful.I choose growth and learning over being stuck and bounded. I choose health and surround myself with love. I choose to focus in the now.
I have time, that's all I have, and I feel immensely rich.
To set my ladder up and climb
Out of the dung and the straw
Green poems laid in a dark store
Wither and grow soft
Like unturned apples in a loft.
-John Stallworthy
Without too much thinking, we are asked to choose three words from the poem, and to cluster around each word. I chose Time,Grow,Climb. I created a pageful of cluster for each word until I arrived at a statement for each, then I select one. Here it is:
The Most Important Time Is Now.
"I have time, that's all I have," I said this to L over a month ago when I offered to visit his parents in his absence, and see how they were.
But really, I was saying that to myself. I have only began to understand the importance of time as it is most often taken for granted. We arrive late at appointments, we vegetate, we switch channels poring over satellite stations;we choose to do nothing, and sometimes we do too much with so little time. We let time pass by participating in the humdrum of life's rituals, not understanding its richness. Some things take too long, and we wait in agony and irritation, often hurting the ones closest to us, and yet often, we look back saying, "Oh how time flies." Sometimes, when we close our eyes we are jolted by our past; there are regrets, and yes, sometimes, we can re-live the joys of the past.
It takes time to let go, but often, with my tempo, I force myself to rush on, to move on to the next phase, only to regress, and to waste more of that precious time. The most important time is now, and it is up to me how to use it. This time, I tell myself, don't settle, don't rush. No pressure, but to remember to use it wisely-- to understand where I want to be.
What I do today matters to me because I know it will shape my future. I choose life over death; to be grateful instead of sorrowful.I choose growth and learning over being stuck and bounded. I choose health and surround myself with love. I choose to focus in the now.
I have time, that's all I have, and I feel immensely rich.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
The Age of Innocence
The class yesterday was making vignettes in two perspectives-one as an adult remembering a childhood memory, and the other, writing that same memory in the moment, as a child. There are no rules, Twee said, except to cluster, shift, write, and make the snake bite its tail (another writeup, or just take her class ok?)
As an Adult
I remember the summer days when my cousins and I would spend time at our grandparents-an island away, an overnight travel by sea- to Aklan. There is one particular memory that remains vivid to this day. It was mid-morning, and my cousin Dondon and I were leading the pack-he with his younger brother Tonette, and I with my younger sister Eden. We were frolicking under the sun, and by this I mean running around the rice fields, climbing trees and discovering what else this huge "playground" held for us. It was during that day that we discovered the shack where all the hens were kept. I remember Dondon hushing us up, as we went inside, inched our way in and crouched to see a hen lay an egg. Our eyes grew big in wonder as we saw one translucent round object come out of the hen and turned white- an egg! We could not keep the delight in silence and squealed in the discovery which made hen after hen quack, disturbed by our presence. I remember that summer day when we ran as fast as we could, back to Lola's house, who was calling out our names, hearing the disturbance we caused.
As A Child
" What are we going to do today?, " I asked my cousin Dondon.
It was summer, and my cousins and I were surrounded by trees taller than our Lola's house, and there were fruits waiting to be picked- star apples, santol and indian mangoes.
Yesterday, Dondon went up to a tree, and we didn't know what it was, but from it he had stinging red marks across his stomach. It was kasoy, we learned.
"Let's run across the rice field and see what's out there," he suggested. So off we went, in our slippers, shorts and sando. Half running, half walking, we went to see who would fall off the pilapil when we saw something-a little shack in the middle of the field.
"What is it? What's inside?", Tonette,Dondon's younger brother asked aloud for each one of us.
We took a peep, and saw rows of hens filling up the tiny bahay kubo up to its columns. We wondered why they were in there, and why they were sitting still.
No words were said, but we were in agreement to go inside, out of curiousity. One by one, we slipped in and knew we had to be quiet. And then it dawned on us that we were about to see a hen actually lay an egg. So we sat down on our knees, near each other, near enough by the door, and close enough to one hen about to lay an egg.
I saw magic as the hen stared ahead in concentration, and then there it is- a round, translucent object coming out of its tail.
" An egg! An egg!", someone said and I watch as it turned white, but our noise disturbed the other hens and they flipped and flapped, quacked, and I saw feathers in the air as I turn my back and tell my sister to run out of the shack. We were giggling and laughing, and we were still half running, half walking as we make our way back to Lola's house, smelling of sweat, but with pure joy in our hearts.
****
Postscript: From now on, Twee tells us to write in the childhood perspective.
As an Adult
I remember the summer days when my cousins and I would spend time at our grandparents-an island away, an overnight travel by sea- to Aklan. There is one particular memory that remains vivid to this day. It was mid-morning, and my cousin Dondon and I were leading the pack-he with his younger brother Tonette, and I with my younger sister Eden. We were frolicking under the sun, and by this I mean running around the rice fields, climbing trees and discovering what else this huge "playground" held for us. It was during that day that we discovered the shack where all the hens were kept. I remember Dondon hushing us up, as we went inside, inched our way in and crouched to see a hen lay an egg. Our eyes grew big in wonder as we saw one translucent round object come out of the hen and turned white- an egg! We could not keep the delight in silence and squealed in the discovery which made hen after hen quack, disturbed by our presence. I remember that summer day when we ran as fast as we could, back to Lola's house, who was calling out our names, hearing the disturbance we caused.
As A Child
" What are we going to do today?, " I asked my cousin Dondon.
It was summer, and my cousins and I were surrounded by trees taller than our Lola's house, and there were fruits waiting to be picked- star apples, santol and indian mangoes.
Yesterday, Dondon went up to a tree, and we didn't know what it was, but from it he had stinging red marks across his stomach. It was kasoy, we learned.
"Let's run across the rice field and see what's out there," he suggested. So off we went, in our slippers, shorts and sando. Half running, half walking, we went to see who would fall off the pilapil when we saw something-a little shack in the middle of the field.
"What is it? What's inside?", Tonette,Dondon's younger brother asked aloud for each one of us.
We took a peep, and saw rows of hens filling up the tiny bahay kubo up to its columns. We wondered why they were in there, and why they were sitting still.
No words were said, but we were in agreement to go inside, out of curiousity. One by one, we slipped in and knew we had to be quiet. And then it dawned on us that we were about to see a hen actually lay an egg. So we sat down on our knees, near each other, near enough by the door, and close enough to one hen about to lay an egg.
I saw magic as the hen stared ahead in concentration, and then there it is- a round, translucent object coming out of its tail.
" An egg! An egg!", someone said and I watch as it turned white, but our noise disturbed the other hens and they flipped and flapped, quacked, and I saw feathers in the air as I turn my back and tell my sister to run out of the shack. We were giggling and laughing, and we were still half running, half walking as we make our way back to Lola's house, smelling of sweat, but with pure joy in our hearts.
****
Postscript: From now on, Twee tells us to write in the childhood perspective.
The Shift
The sales associate at Starbucks laughs but was game in shouting out the drinks for me and Darna. I gave the clerk this name, thinking it would be fun, and my cast of characters in this blogpost needs some quirkiness, anyway, to keep their anonymity,or else they'll kill me.
Darna and I hooked up after my Joy of Writing class and I recounted almost everything in detail, while I forked the huge chocolate chip muffin (with splenda) and sipped my nonfat steamed milk. I see the Yoga bitch (as she is known at M Cafe) and she stared at me, knowing I was in one of her classes, but I was busy expressing my thoughts to Darna, but not too busy to notice the almost all foreigner crowd lounging in this hangout place- the kawaii (cute) japanese girl with a young man, a caucasian couple both clad in black at my 9 o'clock, and the couple at my back engaged in an intense conversation in a different language.
Suddenly I remembered him when I scanned the place, where we used to sit, during the time he still said he loved me, and compared this to yesterday, when he said he liked being around me, and explicitly stated earlier on that he would not be comfortable having a relationship at this point in time. I flinched a little, feeling the pain as I remember he used to be different, but noting I am a different person now, too. Different good or different bad, I shrugged my shoulders at Darna, who struggled for words, trying to assess how I really am, but I was too caught up in my own words, trying to express my confusion, that all Darna could do at that moment in time was to listen.
Actually, I felt the shift a month ago, as I struggled to overcome a heartbreak by spending money and time on badminton (regular 4x a week for 4 months now), shopping for a more colorful outfit (to hide my pallid face), reading/listening to positive materials (books and cds),and seeing friends. I would see my friends, and I would see him. We would spend few precious times together, and the fears and feelings slowly resurfaced. I felt it was so right, and yet I could not force him to change his decision. He is a learned man, after all, a stubborn, intense man who would not yield to anyone. He said so himself. But with me, he can be all that, and yet, he can be really sweet. I understand now why he gets upset when I would change my mind, when it is clear he had to rearrange his schedule just so he can see me. My templates, my notions about life were to be discarded with him. I should be "over X, now!" I should "live in the moment, now!," he would tell me.
I told Darna one time that he was scolding me, for my own sake, angered me for a moment, then pulled back by holding my face gently, later on, taking me out to dinner. What I could not tell Darna, and what I could not admit to myself, though, is that I think I deliberately went blind, knowing that being in it for fun and being in it for love are very much different, and that at this point, I could do nothing.
I wondered what lesson I did not learn, why I am here again. I know that sooner or later, we will both move along, and I slept wondering how this would change our lives, yes, both our lives, for he shared those moments too...
Darna and I hooked up after my Joy of Writing class and I recounted almost everything in detail, while I forked the huge chocolate chip muffin (with splenda) and sipped my nonfat steamed milk. I see the Yoga bitch (as she is known at M Cafe) and she stared at me, knowing I was in one of her classes, but I was busy expressing my thoughts to Darna, but not too busy to notice the almost all foreigner crowd lounging in this hangout place- the kawaii (cute) japanese girl with a young man, a caucasian couple both clad in black at my 9 o'clock, and the couple at my back engaged in an intense conversation in a different language.
Suddenly I remembered him when I scanned the place, where we used to sit, during the time he still said he loved me, and compared this to yesterday, when he said he liked being around me, and explicitly stated earlier on that he would not be comfortable having a relationship at this point in time. I flinched a little, feeling the pain as I remember he used to be different, but noting I am a different person now, too. Different good or different bad, I shrugged my shoulders at Darna, who struggled for words, trying to assess how I really am, but I was too caught up in my own words, trying to express my confusion, that all Darna could do at that moment in time was to listen.
Actually, I felt the shift a month ago, as I struggled to overcome a heartbreak by spending money and time on badminton (regular 4x a week for 4 months now), shopping for a more colorful outfit (to hide my pallid face), reading/listening to positive materials (books and cds),and seeing friends. I would see my friends, and I would see him. We would spend few precious times together, and the fears and feelings slowly resurfaced. I felt it was so right, and yet I could not force him to change his decision. He is a learned man, after all, a stubborn, intense man who would not yield to anyone. He said so himself. But with me, he can be all that, and yet, he can be really sweet. I understand now why he gets upset when I would change my mind, when it is clear he had to rearrange his schedule just so he can see me. My templates, my notions about life were to be discarded with him. I should be "over X, now!" I should "live in the moment, now!," he would tell me.
I told Darna one time that he was scolding me, for my own sake, angered me for a moment, then pulled back by holding my face gently, later on, taking me out to dinner. What I could not tell Darna, and what I could not admit to myself, though, is that I think I deliberately went blind, knowing that being in it for fun and being in it for love are very much different, and that at this point, I could do nothing.
I wondered what lesson I did not learn, why I am here again. I know that sooner or later, we will both move along, and I slept wondering how this would change our lives, yes, both our lives, for he shared those moments too...
Friday, September 21, 2007
My Pretty Blue Shoes
It's Friday and I came to work late, at around 10:30 AM, just in time to say some things in the meeting with the president. I was actually up at 8 AM, but the sleeping pill Grace made me try literally knocked me out. My motor skills were gone and I felt like I could just lay there on the bed the entire day. By 9 AM, I force myself to get up and take a cold shower to bring me back to the real world. In my haste, I brew my coffee and only eat a bite or two out of the Jollibee breakfast meal Grace bought for us. But I didn't forget to wear my nice blue shoes.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Oh Loverboy (s)
"Oh loverboy if you call me home,i'll come driving,i'll come driving as fast as wheels can turn.."
Driving,E.B.T.G.
I look at my room with my new purchases- it still looked small, though a lot sexier. A splash of bold color on the former beige couch with the new red pillows, an orange fabric casually laid across it, yellow lighting from an ikea lamp, tindra lilac scented candles, new curtains in muted tones that match the bedsheet, making the room more relaxing with the airconditioning on and The Chillout Project music playing in the background, and viola, what do i have? A lovepad.
A lovepad for one, that is.
And it feels good!
****
"She doesn't have a single romantic bone in her body!, " F tells me this about his officemate whom he made a bet with that she won't be married in 5 years time. She's 28. She'd be my age then. I almost made a sidebet that she would, and he'd better get ready with his 3 lechon for her wedding, but he seemed so sure about it. He said he can smell an old maid in the making a mile away. So then I turned to him and asked,
" What about me? What do you see?"
It was not out of desperation, I was just gaugeing how he'd react, a deliberate move, and I was right, he mumbled some sort of an answer.
Ha-ha-ha
***
I'm still having problems sleeping, and finally, my ipod opm tunes help me catch some zzzzs the other night (spongecola's rendition of crazy for you-nice!). Last night though,i toss and turn, i tumble and change positions-horizontally, vertically. Then this alarm clock Xtin and I bought from Ikea,with the classic ear-popping sound literally makes me jump off the bed. It's morning again, and I think of him.
***
He apologized to me in the car, while we were stuck in traffic, and told me he's excited for me; teaching me that timing is everything, while in the next breath he tells me he is Deuce Bigelow, servicing lonely women- single mothers driving all the way to Lipa to see him, a girl who likes to play the role of housekeeper, a brainy friend who has benefits, and others who just knock at his door. I wondered, when did men evolve to be like this? They don't even have to ask, no dining and wining, don't even have to play, it just eventually happens. He is contented- he has his kids, his challenging work and his freedom. "I don't know what it is, but they keep coming back for more.." followed by that Taipan laugh everyone knows about. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't know what to say.
***
There's a looming Singapore trip in November, I'm being asked to go.
The other night I said I loved him.
Tonight, I think I'm over him.
The pain was so bad I don't think I'll forget.
"Someday I will forget
Don't call me don't write
Don't you walk in the middle of the night to say that you've been thinking
you know that we needed some time and space to breathe in..
This is letting go, this is letting go"
He is coming home in October. I don't know if I should see him at all. I am happier now.
***
It's official. I have a new boytoy.
And I knew I love him, even before I met him.
Driving,E.B.T.G.
I look at my room with my new purchases- it still looked small, though a lot sexier. A splash of bold color on the former beige couch with the new red pillows, an orange fabric casually laid across it, yellow lighting from an ikea lamp, tindra lilac scented candles, new curtains in muted tones that match the bedsheet, making the room more relaxing with the airconditioning on and The Chillout Project music playing in the background, and viola, what do i have? A lovepad.
A lovepad for one, that is.
And it feels good!
****
"She doesn't have a single romantic bone in her body!, " F tells me this about his officemate whom he made a bet with that she won't be married in 5 years time. She's 28. She'd be my age then. I almost made a sidebet that she would, and he'd better get ready with his 3 lechon for her wedding, but he seemed so sure about it. He said he can smell an old maid in the making a mile away. So then I turned to him and asked,
" What about me? What do you see?"
It was not out of desperation, I was just gaugeing how he'd react, a deliberate move, and I was right, he mumbled some sort of an answer.
Ha-ha-ha
***
I'm still having problems sleeping, and finally, my ipod opm tunes help me catch some zzzzs the other night (spongecola's rendition of crazy for you-nice!). Last night though,i toss and turn, i tumble and change positions-horizontally, vertically. Then this alarm clock Xtin and I bought from Ikea,with the classic ear-popping sound literally makes me jump off the bed. It's morning again, and I think of him.
***
He apologized to me in the car, while we were stuck in traffic, and told me he's excited for me; teaching me that timing is everything, while in the next breath he tells me he is Deuce Bigelow, servicing lonely women- single mothers driving all the way to Lipa to see him, a girl who likes to play the role of housekeeper, a brainy friend who has benefits, and others who just knock at his door. I wondered, when did men evolve to be like this? They don't even have to ask, no dining and wining, don't even have to play, it just eventually happens. He is contented- he has his kids, his challenging work and his freedom. "I don't know what it is, but they keep coming back for more.." followed by that Taipan laugh everyone knows about. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't know what to say.
***
There's a looming Singapore trip in November, I'm being asked to go.
The other night I said I loved him.
Tonight, I think I'm over him.
The pain was so bad I don't think I'll forget.
"Someday I will forget
Don't call me don't write
Don't you walk in the middle of the night to say that you've been thinking
you know that we needed some time and space to breathe in..
This is letting go, this is letting go"
He is coming home in October. I don't know if I should see him at all. I am happier now.
***
It's official. I have a new boytoy.
And I knew I love him, even before I met him.
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Joy Of Writing Class
Barbara Gonzales holds her class at her home in Makati, a penthouse unit with a lanai, a living room full of books and art, a really nice couch made of wood with white cushion, and soft lighting. She ushers me in, as I make my Tuesday appointment since I had to miss the September 15 start of her class.
She looks lovely at her age, and after a stroke, her life alone, teaching, painting, working at home, is enviable. I notice her clear skin, with very few lines, and she still can be sexy, with her top exposing a little of her back. She must have been really hot when she was younger. As we say to Lester, " may asim pa".
She asked me why I am taking the class, and as I was retelling the story to Xtin after, Barbara instantly remarked that ," You speak in English and Filipino noh?...like most Filipinos.." She was just pointing out that in her class she wants us to speak in one language as part of the training (although she herself would speak in Taglish, with an Assumptionista tone pa). Oh well.
I love her dining table, which is a long mahogany table, enough to seat 12. We sat there for over an hour, mostly her giving an introduction about herself and her class, which is essentially based on the book Writing The Natural Way (guys if you can find this book, please buy for me). She teaches the method she learned from this book which is guiding our brain to use the right side and blocking the left side which tends to prevent our part of the brain from evoking thoughts, feelings, emotions, associations. We start lesson 1 which is clustering. Instead of outlining, which is how I would do a technical report, a business plan or most business correspondence, clustering would involve encircling the focus word and connecting and encircling words that would come out of our thoughts as we let the right brain focus on the word. We continue to write until we feel the shift, when we have explored all possible associations with the word, and then we are ready to write.
She asked me for a word. I said, " Art?". Then she starts her clustering on the whiteboard across the table, where I can see her dirty kitchen, and then she stops. Then she writes on the left side of the board. Magic!
She then gives me a word, and I was asked to write about rain (which is amongst my many repetitive subjects in this blog). She had 2 comments. I had one wrong grammar (told you about this weakness), and then she said it was good.
"The grey skies and the cold wind warn me that the rain is coming. The change in atmosphere reminds me that summer is over , yet it brings back days of fun-filled youth. The rain is here, and it brings back memories, turning me nostalgic as I listen to the sound of the raindrops touching the ground. The soft billowing wind accompanying the rain makes me remember the past. Was it all good?"
The assignment is to write about someone who has had a tremendous impact in my life using a modeling approach- likening the tone, format, ending to a work by a famous American poet Peter Meinke.
She looks lovely at her age, and after a stroke, her life alone, teaching, painting, working at home, is enviable. I notice her clear skin, with very few lines, and she still can be sexy, with her top exposing a little of her back. She must have been really hot when she was younger. As we say to Lester, " may asim pa".
She asked me why I am taking the class, and as I was retelling the story to Xtin after, Barbara instantly remarked that ," You speak in English and Filipino noh?...like most Filipinos.." She was just pointing out that in her class she wants us to speak in one language as part of the training (although she herself would speak in Taglish, with an Assumptionista tone pa). Oh well.
I love her dining table, which is a long mahogany table, enough to seat 12. We sat there for over an hour, mostly her giving an introduction about herself and her class, which is essentially based on the book Writing The Natural Way (guys if you can find this book, please buy for me). She teaches the method she learned from this book which is guiding our brain to use the right side and blocking the left side which tends to prevent our part of the brain from evoking thoughts, feelings, emotions, associations. We start lesson 1 which is clustering. Instead of outlining, which is how I would do a technical report, a business plan or most business correspondence, clustering would involve encircling the focus word and connecting and encircling words that would come out of our thoughts as we let the right brain focus on the word. We continue to write until we feel the shift, when we have explored all possible associations with the word, and then we are ready to write.
She asked me for a word. I said, " Art?". Then she starts her clustering on the whiteboard across the table, where I can see her dirty kitchen, and then she stops. Then she writes on the left side of the board. Magic!
She then gives me a word, and I was asked to write about rain (which is amongst my many repetitive subjects in this blog). She had 2 comments. I had one wrong grammar (told you about this weakness), and then she said it was good.
"The grey skies and the cold wind warn me that the rain is coming. The change in atmosphere reminds me that summer is over , yet it brings back days of fun-filled youth. The rain is here, and it brings back memories, turning me nostalgic as I listen to the sound of the raindrops touching the ground. The soft billowing wind accompanying the rain makes me remember the past. Was it all good?"
The assignment is to write about someone who has had a tremendous impact in my life using a modeling approach- likening the tone, format, ending to a work by a famous American poet Peter Meinke.
Joy of Writing Assignment 1: Modeling
This is a poem to my honey, Louie
Whom I have loved and hurt at the same time, many times.
He is a man with a stubborn spirit and willful independence
Yet his tenderness, his sweet embraces and kind words
Have brought color to my life.
I remember the rides along the highways,
The speed of the car with the wind blowing in my face,
The cold touch of white sand at our feet,
The distances we crossed; dreams spun and promises made.
He made me see, hear and feel a world that awakened my senses.
He is my first love, and like many great loves,
When ours came to a halt, there was pain like no other.
Dreams were shattered, they fell apart,
Questions went unanswered, magic turned to death.
I cried NOT for nothing, but for love and life.
To love, and be loved,
To experience joy brimming in one’s heart
At a particular moment in time,
That joy is worth going through whatever lies ahead.
As you struggle to find your own path,
I write this for you Louie, my love, my life,
Not knowing the ending, but knowing it will be all right.
I'm not sure which one to submit tomorrow. Here is another version.
This is a poem to my friend F
Whom I admire,
For he cares not what others think of him
He laughs, shouts and derides
Whether you’re a boy or a girl, young or old.
He is carefree, forever young, foolish and hungry.
He lets me be- slows me down, makes me feel.
He lets me be- angers me, confuses me, loves me,
Berating me, exhilarating, inspiring me.
He is a free spirit, a hunter tamed by his passions
That ground him, efface him, humanize him.
He lives life with such fire that I forget--
I am lonely.
To be spontaneous in life; to live in the moment,
To face fear and to live in laughter,
He teaches me, he lets me be.
This is a poem to my friend F,
Who I hope I see, for what he seems to be.
Whom I have loved and hurt at the same time, many times.
He is a man with a stubborn spirit and willful independence
Yet his tenderness, his sweet embraces and kind words
Have brought color to my life.
I remember the rides along the highways,
The speed of the car with the wind blowing in my face,
The cold touch of white sand at our feet,
The distances we crossed; dreams spun and promises made.
He made me see, hear and feel a world that awakened my senses.
He is my first love, and like many great loves,
When ours came to a halt, there was pain like no other.
Dreams were shattered, they fell apart,
Questions went unanswered, magic turned to death.
I cried NOT for nothing, but for love and life.
To love, and be loved,
To experience joy brimming in one’s heart
At a particular moment in time,
That joy is worth going through whatever lies ahead.
As you struggle to find your own path,
I write this for you Louie, my love, my life,
Not knowing the ending, but knowing it will be all right.
I'm not sure which one to submit tomorrow. Here is another version.
This is a poem to my friend F
Whom I admire,
For he cares not what others think of him
He laughs, shouts and derides
Whether you’re a boy or a girl, young or old.
He is carefree, forever young, foolish and hungry.
He lets me be- slows me down, makes me feel.
He lets me be- angers me, confuses me, loves me,
Berating me, exhilarating, inspiring me.
He is a free spirit, a hunter tamed by his passions
That ground him, efface him, humanize him.
He lives life with such fire that I forget--
I am lonely.
To be spontaneous in life; to live in the moment,
To face fear and to live in laughter,
He teaches me, he lets me be.
This is a poem to my friend F,
Who I hope I see, for what he seems to be.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Beef Noodles and Shao Long Pao
A trip to Taipei would not be complete without a taste of local cuisine, ranging from street hawkers selling various fried foods to the most savory or spicy beef noodles. The retail area is lined up with small shops, the quaint ones in dark alleys but most probably with a nearby well-lighted convenience store around the corner, and on ther other hand, there are a lot of self-service noodle houses where the clerk hands out a menu/price listing on a clipboard to you, you tick off what you want, and the quantity then you wait til it is served on your table, then you pay on your way out. Efficient, convenient, and fastfood, especially after a hard day of shopping or cruising the night market, or the Guang Hua electronics market. The best way to find the most popular shops is to ask the taxi driver to bring you there. We did and found one near our hotel. It was way past dinner, and our afternoon meal with Melody at Ikea restaurant (where we bid her adieux as she leaves for London tomorrow for her masters) has long been burned from looking for the best deals for hard disk drives, thumb drives, Wii, PSPs, power adaptors, wireless routers, Ifan, flat LCD screens with TV tuners, and hentai.
I remember Sim Lim Square in Singapore, and I remember the vibe, the energy of the mostly guys shopping, negotiating, comparing prices, window shopping, looking for a bargain there, and I compared this with the crowd at Sulin Night Market where there are rows and rows of shoes, blouses, mini-dresses, and other trendy casual outfits; one stall after the other, and there are girls who go ga-ga over shoes, trying on one pair after the other, looking for the right one, and ending up buying 3 pairs.
By 10 PM, Xtin and I could hardly feel our legs, and we wait for the guys as they max up their credit card, use up their local taiwan dollars, and try to withdraw some more in order to satiate their gadget fixation. What is it with men and gadgets?I looked around and I see a lot of new stuff- a digital photo frame costing NT$3700 (roughly PhP5.5k), lots of ipod/ifan/boxter accessories, 12 megapixel digicams and many other things you don't need but you'd want.
Lost in the gadgetry, geek looks and reeking scents, I marvel at this industry, and looked back at the time, once in a galaxy far far away where I was part of Fujitsu, and our hard drive output is 1 Gig internal hard drive, to be shipped to the US and Japan. This is circa 1996. Almost a decade after, the old technology is obsolete and prices are going way down, and the electronics industry is more alive than ever. Even Gilmore in the Philippines is turning into something like the PC destination.
I knew what I wanted, and I did not have enough excitement over gadgets as I have with shoes, so I was done after a few minutes but had to wait for my boss who was beyond himself, passing by the stall where there are 2 chicks manning a digicam store, and looking for cables and adaptors and other stuff. He has just been here the night before. Xtin was almost about to faint from hunger, and we finally get to sip the hot soup at past 10. Three convenience store stops later, we head back to the hotel and decide to have a nightcap at the ground floor bar. She drank milk, while I took Taiwan beer. The other franchisees and guys were there, and we laugh a lot about our Guang Hua experience. What can I say, the guys just love it!
The night before, Sam took us to dinner at Noodle Master, a lovely pricey noodle house, also down at the East Road. But the best dinner was at the basement of Sogo Hotel in downtown Taipei, a restaurant called Din Tai Fung, where we taste the best shao long pao, handmade, with pork and soup inside the tiny morsel of steamed flour, the best seaweed appetizer, and spinach dumplings. The noodles are handmade as well, and are assembled where shoppers can view the entire process. We ate more than enough, but did not dare pick the last piece of the dumpling, because the Taiwanese say, the person to eat the last piece will not get married, ever. Since Xtin is getting married next month, and I am hoping to, one day, we don't touch it, and instead, finish off our soup, which is always served the last, in the Taiwan tradition.
It was a tiring trip, the past 3 days, but the Taipei experience this time is different. I wonder what tomorrow would bring. With the way things are going, with all of us shopping with our third world salary when we visit another country, we might as well not eat for the rest of the month, just to make our own balance sheet. Why do we do that? And then pretend we are happy, while the Chinese would not be able to sleep without 30% of their pay going to their savings.
I will talk about my one on one with Barbara Gonzales next time, and would attempt to recount each lesson. I saw her just before I left for Taipei, and I have an assignment. With her, we do not talk about food, but the rain...
Next stop: Bangkok in October; if not, Malaysia before the year ends, but definitely not Singapore.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Practing Paparazzi Shots, Finding Mr. Baoz and Other (Mis)Adventures
Since this is our 3rd time to attend the trade show, we tried practicing our paparazzi shots; instead of the usual pose with the best-angled smile, we looked for something different, unmindful while other Taiwanese attendees looked on.
Here's Xtin who looked a little drunk here, but it's obvious she is wilder than me:
I need to work on mine, DEP. He-he.
On our search for a food adventure, we went to Taipei county, about 40 minutes away from downtown Taipei,spending over NT$2000 on cab fare to look for Mr. Baoz!
Looks lovely, don't they? I'll let you know how they taste as I am about to attack 18 siopaos today. Part of the job! What do you think Puto, do you think I'm having fun? He-he-he.
****
By 7:30 PM, we were back at the hotel, waiting to be picked up by Sam and Dennis. We ask them to take us to Guang Hua, the local akihabara or electronics town, but instead we go to a nearby mall where there's bad airconditioning and all items one buys does not come with a plastic bag- you carry it all. No frills, no fuss, discounted. Or so I thought. I buy the ipod car charger/tuner, the ipod clear case, and the ipod wire snap (pink of course) at a pretty good price. I pay NT$2199 for the 80GB Maxtor hard drive (Fujitsu is out of stock), only to learn that my officemates got the 120GB Fujitsu at $1800, with the casing at $250. Darn. I will try to return mine and buy one at Guang Hua.
****
We were back by 9:30 PM from dinner with our 2 friends from PCSC (big guys there) and decided to take a cab to the Shilin Night market, a translation and a 20-minute ride away. There the pulse is more energetic, the crowd, younger, and the shoes-es, much much prettier. I buy a polka dotted black and white pumps, and a really aquamarine blue flat pair. Shoes sell at NT$390 a pair.
****
Xtin and I knock off at 2 AM, and I get my period this morning. She got hers last night. We blame it on the walking.
Here's Xtin who looked a little drunk here, but it's obvious she is wilder than me:
I need to work on mine, DEP. He-he.
On our search for a food adventure, we went to Taipei county, about 40 minutes away from downtown Taipei,spending over NT$2000 on cab fare to look for Mr. Baoz!
Looks lovely, don't they? I'll let you know how they taste as I am about to attack 18 siopaos today. Part of the job! What do you think Puto, do you think I'm having fun? He-he-he.
****
By 7:30 PM, we were back at the hotel, waiting to be picked up by Sam and Dennis. We ask them to take us to Guang Hua, the local akihabara or electronics town, but instead we go to a nearby mall where there's bad airconditioning and all items one buys does not come with a plastic bag- you carry it all. No frills, no fuss, discounted. Or so I thought. I buy the ipod car charger/tuner, the ipod clear case, and the ipod wire snap (pink of course) at a pretty good price. I pay NT$2199 for the 80GB Maxtor hard drive (Fujitsu is out of stock), only to learn that my officemates got the 120GB Fujitsu at $1800, with the casing at $250. Darn. I will try to return mine and buy one at Guang Hua.
****
We were back by 9:30 PM from dinner with our 2 friends from PCSC (big guys there) and decided to take a cab to the Shilin Night market, a translation and a 20-minute ride away. There the pulse is more energetic, the crowd, younger, and the shoes-es, much much prettier. I buy a polka dotted black and white pumps, and a really aquamarine blue flat pair. Shoes sell at NT$390 a pair.
****
Xtin and I knock off at 2 AM, and I get my period this morning. She got hers last night. We blame it on the walking.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Back to Taipei
I'm back in Taipei and the changes over the years are apparent. China Airlines has upgraded its service with touch-screen monitors for each seat, even for coach. I try to watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 but Xtin continues to distract me with the ff:
a. Camera view from the plane-top, bottom, sides
b. Seat to seat calls from the controls
c. Making calls from your seat-international or local (i tell her its via credit card)
d. songs by lionel richie on the music menu ,along with nora jones, et al
e. mahjong game -but you have to wait for 3 others you join you in the online game
First stop today was the Shin Tian temple, a famous temple where we offer food and pray to our God for blessings. Then a quick stop at the nearby 7-eleven store for drinks, and off to Chang Kai Shek memorial hall, which will now be renamed Democracy Hall. Instead of taking vanity poses, we try our paparrazi and Bryanboy shots.
This time, we go to to Taipei 101 (currently the tallest building in the world, but soon to be overtaken by Shanghai and Dubai) to take in the view(NT$ 350).
The flight from the 5th floor to the viewdeck (101th floor) took just 37 seconds, while the exit took 45 seconds. The encompassing view, accompanied by an English audio aide helped us identify nearby buildings, bridges, mountains and grand hotels. This is the first time I take in this sight, and it is a marvel to see an island so progressive. But earlier this morning, I texted DEP and Atty. Evelyn that I thank God justice is served for Erap's case. A little progress there, but we are so way behind our asian counterparts in terms of economy and progress, making us feel slow and a little bit ashamed for our country. But we smile anyway, while we take pictures, eating and laughing, thinking of shopping during the brief stay in a foreign land.
I carefully review my list of shopping list, because my budget is tight, but Guang Hua electronics, the night market
and Ikea are must-stops. Jun is buying 2 LCD monitor screens when just over a year ago he doesn't know how to use the computer, someone else is buying a 120 gig external hard drive; mam whallie is upgrading her digicam, xtin buying a hard disk drive and memory for her old laptop, Kit is buying a bluetooth wireless keyboard for Lee. I'm going to look for ipod accessories, and maybe, just maybe, another external hard drive. But what I really want tonight is to have a look at the latest bookstore in Taipei, replacing Page One. It is a 24-hour book shop incorporated with a coffee shop and basically a lifestyle shop called Eslite (es light, not heavy, sounds kinda like that, hehe).
I meet Sam again tonight, and we made beso, and updated our lives, him being the new proud father of a 2-month old boy named Sebastian, whom he rocks to sleep from 6 PM til 2 AM, according to him, then his wife Jessica takes over from 2 AM til 6 AM, afterwhich he wakes up at 6 AM to bathe him. Cute huh. He said he's 40, and after a 12-year wait for this baby, it is certainly worth it. He looked real happy, better than when he was in the Philippines. We promised to see each other again tomorrow " to find a quiet place to talk." He is my real mentor, my Confusion (not Confucius- haha).
The nicest thing about my stay in Taipei today is a good warm bubble bath at United Hotel, with a book in one hand and well, nothing else.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
To Those Who Have Nothing But Hope
First rule is to never give up. Your world may be in chaos, and you want to run away from your problem, from the most important people in your life, from your friends and everyone else, but there are good sides and bad sides to every situation.
It may be a temporary setback, but nothing you can't bounce back from. You could not help the worrying, the crying and even if you chose to let go of relationships so as not to be a burden to anyone in order to fix your problem, you did not have to be alone. And yes, indeed, the worst thing is not knowing where you're going.
So second rule is to choose! And stick to it, live up to the consequences of your decision, be firm in your resolve, own it. Instead of running away, worrying about what could be, and telling yourself over and over you don't know where you're going, and letting go of opportunities that are coming now, take it all in, face it and see it as part of your growth process.
The good side is you will know what matters to you, who will be there to help you during these trying times; you will find out in the process who you are, and your character will be molded out of this experience. You need not hide from the truth, and you will be liberated from all the years of fear and insecurity. You get another chance, you get another chance!
The wonderful thing about life is we can always pick ourselves up from a fall, dust ourselves up, and try to do better. We can always have a do-over.
Success happens, in the end, to those who have the best resolve and quiet will to overcome the most trying time in their life. Day in and day out, they keep focus, and never let go.
I believe this, even if I did not imagine my life at 33 to be like this. I imagined it differently, or rather not so different from the others where I'd be married at 30, have kids and settle in a humdrum life of rituals. Instead I now find myself single, struggling to further grow and be strong, defining my happiness in small terms, learning to be grateful, and humbled by my iniquities and brokenness, yet remaining hopeful, not for a life with a man, but for a life where in the end I will be happy for the way it turned out, from the choices I made.
It may be a temporary setback, but nothing you can't bounce back from. You could not help the worrying, the crying and even if you chose to let go of relationships so as not to be a burden to anyone in order to fix your problem, you did not have to be alone. And yes, indeed, the worst thing is not knowing where you're going.
So second rule is to choose! And stick to it, live up to the consequences of your decision, be firm in your resolve, own it. Instead of running away, worrying about what could be, and telling yourself over and over you don't know where you're going, and letting go of opportunities that are coming now, take it all in, face it and see it as part of your growth process.
The good side is you will know what matters to you, who will be there to help you during these trying times; you will find out in the process who you are, and your character will be molded out of this experience. You need not hide from the truth, and you will be liberated from all the years of fear and insecurity. You get another chance, you get another chance!
The wonderful thing about life is we can always pick ourselves up from a fall, dust ourselves up, and try to do better. We can always have a do-over.
Success happens, in the end, to those who have the best resolve and quiet will to overcome the most trying time in their life. Day in and day out, they keep focus, and never let go.
I believe this, even if I did not imagine my life at 33 to be like this. I imagined it differently, or rather not so different from the others where I'd be married at 30, have kids and settle in a humdrum life of rituals. Instead I now find myself single, struggling to further grow and be strong, defining my happiness in small terms, learning to be grateful, and humbled by my iniquities and brokenness, yet remaining hopeful, not for a life with a man, but for a life where in the end I will be happy for the way it turned out, from the choices I made.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
The Late Adopter
Atat. If there's another description that fits me, this is it. Or as some friends would term it, "All the Time, Any Time", which in certain instances, can be a synonym for impatience. But I have a disclaimer! Only on things I really like- movies, books, outfits, shoes, and only to a certain early to mid adopter degree. (sorry, marketing speak). I don't have a penchant for all the latest gadgets because frankly, I can't afford it, and the wanting, the upgrading can be all-consuming. So that is why I don't have an ipod. It would have been a great gift from you-know-who, but we're not digressing there. (Ok, he always gives me Zara tops and jewelries, and me likey those,too).
Anyway, I managed without the ipod because it has been so easy to rip music onto cds from friends and from friends of friends, the kapitbahay with the unsecured wifi connection,from djs, and the ubiquitous dvd suki, who also has dvd/mp3/audio cd formats that can just be plugged in the car or played in the house. Shared folders at the office are filled with song selections which i can cd-write from my laptop and plug in the car tuner. But cds are bulky- I have 3 cd cases and it takes too much space in the car,certainly not enough to fit in the dashboard. Besides,you can only write 20 or so songs in a disc, and eventhough I can manage to change cds while driving and texting, my recent accident is a warning for fools like me.
But that is not just why I got an ipod. I've been delaying this gratification for so long because there's a substitute. But there can be no subsitute to running a marathon with a great Nike running shoes and an ipod to track my performance. Nice huh? This is the other major reason. But frankly, I like the latest grey/blue Adidas running shoes. When it comes to taste, women like design first more than engineering (and almost all my sports outfits are adidas because of this, of course they are also well-engineered, designed for functionality, like their climacool line of shirts). So although I don't have my marathon shoes yet (this is, after all, a 2008 goal, or to be more precise, running the marathon is a goal before turning 40, which means i have 7 years to train for it.Wow talk about having a long-term plan), there is another (and the best) major reason why i now have an ipod.
This is because it is inevitable; like a wave crashing from the sea onto land, technology has made learning and sharing more practical, requiring less of an effort. Imagine: listening to podcasts, learning more from audio books,watching videos, sharing files, again, learning more from artists and music of the past that can still be appreciated now, and learning about new songs or genres. All in one tiny gadget. And when i talk about the ipod and apple, in general, i am in awe of the brand.
Placed upon my hands, I try to capture the experience of owning an ipod.
->My first thought: that it is a very well-thought out design. It's light and none of the over the top marketing attempts to shock the senses away from the product. This, I learn, is also due to the very dynamic way apple responded to its customer feedback, changing and upgrading the product to make it the simplest.
->The packaging is very simple, and in fact, stripped down to its essentials.
->The manual, i love the manual: it is graphical, easy to read, with lots of white spaces, and very straightforward with words.
Compare this with Nokia (and I'm very brand loyal here too), but apple is way ahead, a design that seemed to answer just what you need, something so simple but not a lot of brands quite get how this can be done. It is so simple that it's just.. magic.
My mantra just recently is simplify, simplify. I promise to get this under control, and that my gadgets will not include swarovski-studded laminated sheet cover and other accessories for my nano. And yes, a nano is enough for a simple girl like me. Even if I'm 3 years delayed in adopting.
Anyway, I managed without the ipod because it has been so easy to rip music onto cds from friends and from friends of friends, the kapitbahay with the unsecured wifi connection,from djs, and the ubiquitous dvd suki, who also has dvd/mp3/audio cd formats that can just be plugged in the car or played in the house. Shared folders at the office are filled with song selections which i can cd-write from my laptop and plug in the car tuner. But cds are bulky- I have 3 cd cases and it takes too much space in the car,certainly not enough to fit in the dashboard. Besides,you can only write 20 or so songs in a disc, and eventhough I can manage to change cds while driving and texting, my recent accident is a warning for fools like me.
But that is not just why I got an ipod. I've been delaying this gratification for so long because there's a substitute. But there can be no subsitute to running a marathon with a great Nike running shoes and an ipod to track my performance. Nice huh? This is the other major reason. But frankly, I like the latest grey/blue Adidas running shoes. When it comes to taste, women like design first more than engineering (and almost all my sports outfits are adidas because of this, of course they are also well-engineered, designed for functionality, like their climacool line of shirts). So although I don't have my marathon shoes yet (this is, after all, a 2008 goal, or to be more precise, running the marathon is a goal before turning 40, which means i have 7 years to train for it.Wow talk about having a long-term plan), there is another (and the best) major reason why i now have an ipod.
This is because it is inevitable; like a wave crashing from the sea onto land, technology has made learning and sharing more practical, requiring less of an effort. Imagine: listening to podcasts, learning more from audio books,watching videos, sharing files, again, learning more from artists and music of the past that can still be appreciated now, and learning about new songs or genres. All in one tiny gadget. And when i talk about the ipod and apple, in general, i am in awe of the brand.
Placed upon my hands, I try to capture the experience of owning an ipod.
->My first thought: that it is a very well-thought out design. It's light and none of the over the top marketing attempts to shock the senses away from the product. This, I learn, is also due to the very dynamic way apple responded to its customer feedback, changing and upgrading the product to make it the simplest.
->The packaging is very simple, and in fact, stripped down to its essentials.
->The manual, i love the manual: it is graphical, easy to read, with lots of white spaces, and very straightforward with words.
Compare this with Nokia (and I'm very brand loyal here too), but apple is way ahead, a design that seemed to answer just what you need, something so simple but not a lot of brands quite get how this can be done. It is so simple that it's just.. magic.
My mantra just recently is simplify, simplify. I promise to get this under control, and that my gadgets will not include swarovski-studded laminated sheet cover and other accessories for my nano. And yes, a nano is enough for a simple girl like me. Even if I'm 3 years delayed in adopting.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Ikea Here I Come
I'm salivating..thinking of transforming my TV room to all white, buying an ottoman, and something fiery red to contrast with the subdued, mellow tone.
And yes, to unclutter my books and magazines thrown all over my place, I have been wanting this forever..
'Aint this one enough to cheer you up in the morning?
Finally, I may just end up buying small, practical stuff. But isn't it fun to dream?
IKEA linked to ikeaph.multiply.com
Valentines linked to Valentines.com.ph
Classes! Classes!
No feedback on this one from previous attendees, and I think P4K is a bit steep. A better alternative is to go along with a local and go around town, taste the food, and take some shots. Yes, even a digicam will do.
***
Joy Of Writing
Hi, I’m Barbara C. Gonzalez, columnist for almost 20 years. I write Second Wind for the Philippine Daily Star on Saturdays. Now I can teach you to become more creative, know yourself better, then to write better.
Joy of Writing, my writing course, is made up of eight sessions, held on eight consecutive Saturdays:
Session 1 Intro to Clustering
Session 2 Childhood/Adulthood
Session 3 Recurrence
Session 4 Images
Session 5 Metaphors
Session 6 Creative Tension 1
Session 7 Creative Tension 2
Session 8 Graduation
The next class begins on Saturday, 15 September 2007. Usually classes begin at 2:00 pm and end before 5:00 pm. At the end of the eight sessions, without a doubt you will emerge a better writer. I teach you how to make your right brain lead the writing process. No one else can teach you that. You will become a more confident, more creative person with a few new tricks to guide you in the future.
The entire course will cost you only P8,000, payable in full in cash on the first session. After that you can make up whatever classes you missed in future sessions at no charge.
Just email me at secondwind.barbara@gmail.com or lilypad@skyinet.net or text me at 0917-8155570 and then I will let you know my address.
By the way -- if you have a group of five, I can give you classes on other days of the week. I can even come to an assigned house. Just inquire, and we will talk.
Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.
Barbara C. Gonzalez
***
So I guess you will read more about my experience with this writing class. It's just unfortunate that I will miss the first class- I will arrive from Taipei on the evening of the 15th. Tsk tsk.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Goodbye John
I was cleansing my inbox when I saw this poem I wrote in August 2004 for my good friend John, who died at the age of 31 of liver cancer. I wrote this while I was 38,000 ft up in the sky amongst the clouds, and thought of him, after attending his wake.
May the Lord be with you and guide you
As you walk towards the garden of eden
Would you make a stop at the clouds on your way to heaven?
It looked good from up there-all white and blue
Not a view of the earth's madness
Would you bounce or fly past through the fluffy clouds
--without the fear of falling?
Would you be happy?
Where would you go?
Would you stop and linger before moving on
--onto the garden where upon entry
only the most soulful music can be heard?
That is home.
Where your forefathers await you,
telling you not to worry
because you have lived a good life,
and God wants you back.
There you will walk amongst the flowers that we take
for granted here.
There you will stop and smell the tulips, roses and
orchids.
What would you do John?
Would that remind you of love?
Would you regret not having to say goodbye to her?
You were so good, and so brave, 'til the end.
Sadly, we watched you sleep with tears in your eyes,
When we last saw you, you were full of life,
always with a huge and ready smile,
excited over your future.
Gone too soon.
But not in our hearts.
May your soul rest in peace. God calls, and it is your time.
****
Postscipt:Cancer of the liver is only detected at its late stages (unless one undergoes annual executive check-up), as the liver has no nerves that send signal to the brain that there is pain. People with hepatitis are 60% susceptible to having liver cancer.
P.P.S.
He died after proposing to his long-time girlfriend Claude, who finally decided to come home from Singapore to make their wedding plans. He died within a few months of her coming home.
May the Lord be with you and guide you
As you walk towards the garden of eden
Would you make a stop at the clouds on your way to heaven?
It looked good from up there-all white and blue
Not a view of the earth's madness
Would you bounce or fly past through the fluffy clouds
--without the fear of falling?
Would you be happy?
Where would you go?
Would you stop and linger before moving on
--onto the garden where upon entry
only the most soulful music can be heard?
That is home.
Where your forefathers await you,
telling you not to worry
because you have lived a good life,
and God wants you back.
There you will walk amongst the flowers that we take
for granted here.
There you will stop and smell the tulips, roses and
orchids.
What would you do John?
Would that remind you of love?
Would you regret not having to say goodbye to her?
You were so good, and so brave, 'til the end.
Sadly, we watched you sleep with tears in your eyes,
When we last saw you, you were full of life,
always with a huge and ready smile,
excited over your future.
Gone too soon.
But not in our hearts.
May your soul rest in peace. God calls, and it is your time.
****
Postscipt:Cancer of the liver is only detected at its late stages (unless one undergoes annual executive check-up), as the liver has no nerves that send signal to the brain that there is pain. People with hepatitis are 60% susceptible to having liver cancer.
P.P.S.
He died after proposing to his long-time girlfriend Claude, who finally decided to come home from Singapore to make their wedding plans. He died within a few months of her coming home.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Kuya Turns 5 and 5 Other Jarring Moments
Isn't he the cutest?
*****
I almost bumped into Jessica Zafra the other day at Starbucks Metrowalk. I wanted to greet her, say something to her. What do you say to your idol when you get starstruck? I almost spilled my brewed coffee when I turned around and Bob caught me staring at her. I told him I can't just approach her, she may be sungit. Ha-ha-ha.
*****
I found out they line me up at the last minute for the trip to Taipei because the guy I assigned to go fractured his bone when he hit the base of the sofa one brownout night. You really, really never know what's (literally) going to hit you, sometimes. I suddenly get another trip, just when I though my wanderlust yearning has been satisfied. One major trip a year, and I have exceeded my quota, perhaps compensating for other major losses. I am thankful, I am grateful.
*****
After my trip to Cagayan de Oro, I picked up my car from the office, and took my usual WakWak route to get home, and while I was in full stop position in front of Starmall to get across to Edsa, a truck inched his way so close to me that it scratched, (we're talking big scratches that peeled off the paint of the right side of the front headlights and bumper), and then he sped away. I stood there motionless, jarred to my senses (WTF???!!?) and thinking "Oh well, Shogunai desu ne?" (It can't be helped.)
*****
That same week, just when the week was about to end, I went to see Leng at Century Park Manila, and I was texting, texting all the way to and fro. I was exiting the parking at Harrisson Plaza when I hear a thud. What do you know, a green car bumped the front right side of my car making a tiny scratch mark. It was one way, and he was on the wrong side of the road; he was apologetic when he said:
"One way pala, sana binusinahan mo ko at hindi binangga.."
I knew it was a lost argument, after all, I was texting when it happened.
*****
I was sleepy, after all, it was way past 1 AM, and I get a call. I don't know what B is getting out of this, nor I. What do I want?
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