Secrets

"Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The ultimate goal of life remains the spiritual growth of the individual, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone." Scott Peck M.D., The Road Less Travelled

I don't know if he reads this. I have friends from around the world who read this, and I'm sorry if I keep writing about feelings and love and stuff that are emotional. I'm going through something that is both heart-wrenching and at the same time, a change that I welcome for it leads me to growth. To overcome this; when the time comes that the storm has passed; I will be stronger, and so I take it all in. It is hard when during critical moments I realize I still love him, but there isn't anything I can do. I seek solace from the Lord, asking Him to embrace me. "Help me, help me, Lord."

Yesterday, the inevitable came, when Jos, a lost soul, who gets desperately low on self-esteem and tries to destroy himself,paid for his actions. Eden was crying to me because she does not know what to do,"I tried to help him, motivate him, amuse him, be there every step of the way for him, but he won't help himself. I don't know what to do anymore." I tell my sister, this gentle person whom I dearly love, not to worry, that we should think about the solution today, and help Jos. I remind her to take care of mama while I'm away on business, and to buzz me for any help, any news. I make plans to plan Jos's life- send him to the province for him to lead a simple,quiet life because he could not deal with the real world, of a life of struggle and constant rebuilding of a will to get up and try again each day. I try to be strong for everyone else, and just as I started to remember Louie was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on and rest awhile, I let the tears roll on their own, telling myself cry if you must, but this is the reality of now.

Eloisa told me he cried when she saw him in Singapore. How did I feel, and why was I crying as I heard news about him? It was because I loved him still, and I felt sad that he was not happy with his decision. He should be relieved, feel lighter that he did not have to worry about my needs, to answer my calls or respond to my questions about our life together. It has been months since he decided to end it, but he still has to find his way, and like me, learn to climb our peaks to achieve spiritual growth. If it was guilt he felt for hurting me, the damage was done and I am today, no longer the same person, as he is. I do not hope for anything for us. Wherever the journey takes us, whatever path we take, he remains in my prayers.

Some secrets are best kept in our hearts. I tell myself this while I lead our division in our 3-year planning session, and while I help Christine figure out her honeymoon plans with Nino this October. I hurt, I feel, but I am truly happy for people who find genuine love. Best to face the world bravely, reminding ourselves that this too, shall pass.