"The cure for unhappiness is happiness, I don't care what anyone says." Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again
It's hard not to think about one's past or future when a birthday is coming up... I remember wanting the name Maya for a daughter, and he told me he wanted five kids, 2 dogs, a pickup and 2 vespas. I laughed and told him what a work that would be.
I hoped for a future with him, and it will take a while to undo this as dreams have been spun, pages woven, words have been said, imprints long formed and molded. It was almost set...
It has been four months and I have not heard a word from him. He told me not to hold my breath the last time we talked, and as I was leaning my arm onto the car window today, looking out onto the traffic, I realized I've been holding my breath, waiting for closure, waiting for him to come back; for anything that would make me fully comprehend that it's over, or not. The tears still fall, because no matter how many people think I am strong and can do this, and even if I know I can face life after this, there is a part of me that cries for the loss. Not just because I loved him more than any other; not just because I spent almost a lifetime with him, not because I lost a friend and lover, but also because I lost myself.
A future without him may be good riddance, after all how can he just leave, right? But that is the premise of free will, to leave when we are no longer happy, and to have the right to pursue our own happiness. So at this very moment, I am thinking, this is it. This is a life-changing moment, and I should say goodbye to the past, and embrace, tenderly welcome this graceful moment where life offers the chance to start over. To find myself, and to find my own happiness.
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