To B

regular bold font- an actual letter to the ex of a friend who's being set up for a blind date
in italics- my spoof

To: b2002@yahoo.com

Hello, Jose Norman, aka B, aka the Lucky
Bastard who will get to date xxx,

Goodness, your address is so six years ago!

(Gawd! This girl likes you. She really, really likes you!)

Anyway, as promised, i'm sending you your date's pic.
She's the girl in the brown collared blouse, next to
dude wearing a white and red blouse. . . este shirt
(sorry, the choker threw me off ;p). I told you she's
pretty.

(Translate: Brown, plain, bo-ring. Hair: no color, no stylist. Read: low maintenance gal. Timid, tentative smile, ay shy, dalagang Filipina. Hmnn, type? Pero wiz, beware of the friends she keeps (the choker dude). As my gay best friend once told me, "Wag mo palalabasin ang kaibigan mo na hindi ayos. It will reflect on you!")

Her name is XXX, she's working at the XXX now
but she used to work sa XXX. She's taking a master's
degree in Business Administration in XXX. She likes
to eat and she likes to read (i'm not sure if she does
both at the same time). She has read Lord of the Rings
and the entire Harry Potter series. She has a gifted
nephew who was able to read two novels in one day (so
you know her genes are very good ;p). I don't really
know if she likes walking on the beach during sunset,
I figure it's better if you be the one to ask.

(My gosh! B, pare, di ko alam important pala sa yo to have super duper genes. I have also read the H. Potter Series, The LOTR plus The Hobbit. Sometimes I read and eat at the same time, but I sometimes I also poop and read at the same time. (I think that's the best reading position, when one is full of intense concentration). But you know what, B, my friend D is so amazing and has the healthiest sense of self-esteeem there is, pramis! That means your kids will most likely be fabulous, no matter what size, shape and colour they turn out to be. And sos, you like walking on the beach during sunset pala? My friend D will even sing you songs acapella while walking along the beach holding hands at paswing swing pa! And since she will make partner na at The Firm, you can even select from the many beaches around the world! Bongga di ba?)

As a sign of good faith and ultimate transparency, i'm
cc'ing her so she can make the proper corrections to
the facts stated above.

Mwah to the both of you!

EXCITED NA AKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a friend

(Sos. If I knew you would be sending my blind date my picture, I would have chosen a really nice picture, preferably one taken with me wearing a tube top and pussy red nail polish. Duh!)

(P.S. O.M.G. She really, really likes you, this "friend". Pero hardsell, pare.)