The Shift

The sales associate at Starbucks laughs but was game in shouting out the drinks for me and Darna. I gave the clerk this name, thinking it would be fun, and my cast of characters in this blogpost needs some quirkiness, anyway, to keep their anonymity,or else they'll kill me.

Darna and I hooked up after my Joy of Writing class and I recounted almost everything in detail, while I forked the huge chocolate chip muffin (with splenda) and sipped my nonfat steamed milk. I see the Yoga bitch (as she is known at M Cafe) and she stared at me, knowing I was in one of her classes, but I was busy expressing my thoughts to Darna, but not too busy to notice the almost all foreigner crowd lounging in this hangout place- the kawaii (cute) japanese girl with a young man, a caucasian couple both clad in black at my 9 o'clock, and the couple at my back engaged in an intense conversation in a different language.

Suddenly I remembered him when I scanned the place, where we used to sit, during the time he still said he loved me, and compared this to yesterday, when he said he liked being around me, and explicitly stated earlier on that he would not be comfortable having a relationship at this point in time. I flinched a little, feeling the pain as I remember he used to be different, but noting I am a different person now, too. Different good or different bad, I shrugged my shoulders at Darna, who struggled for words, trying to assess how I really am, but I was too caught up in my own words, trying to express my confusion, that all Darna could do at that moment in time was to listen.

Actually, I felt the shift a month ago, as I struggled to overcome a heartbreak by spending money and time on badminton (regular 4x a week for 4 months now), shopping for a more colorful outfit (to hide my pallid face), reading/listening to positive materials (books and cds),and seeing friends. I would see my friends, and I would see him. We would spend few precious times together, and the fears and feelings slowly resurfaced. I felt it was so right, and yet I could not force him to change his decision. He is a learned man, after all, a stubborn, intense man who would not yield to anyone. He said so himself. But with me, he can be all that, and yet, he can be really sweet. I understand now why he gets upset when I would change my mind, when it is clear he had to rearrange his schedule just so he can see me. My templates, my notions about life were to be discarded with him. I should be "over X, now!" I should "live in the moment, now!," he would tell me.

I told Darna one time that he was scolding me, for my own sake, angered me for a moment, then pulled back by holding my face gently, later on, taking me out to dinner. What I could not tell Darna, and what I could not admit to myself, though, is that I think I deliberately went blind, knowing that being in it for fun and being in it for love are very much different, and that at this point, I could do nothing.

I wondered what lesson I did not learn, why I am here again. I know that sooner or later, we will both move along, and I slept wondering how this would change our lives, yes, both our lives, for he shared those moments too...