"Enough about poker, I wanted to write something else today that is important to me. Relationships. When I got home last night my wife wanted to talk. Now any husband or boyfriend out there dreads the words, “can we talk?”, or, “We need to talk.” More often then not you are not going to like the conversation that is about to take place. Anyhow, she wanted to talk about relationships. Ours, relatives, friends, that sort of thing. Normally, she says this when we are in bed and I can instantly fake some snoring to get out of it but she has gotten smarter over the years and caught me when I was wide awake and still dressed and standing.So the conversation was not so interesting that I feel compelled to write it here. What was more interesting was I thought back to what my Father-in-Law had said to me when he met me for the first time. I had arrived in the Philippines to ask for permission to marry his daughter. After he had gotten to know me a little and we discovered that he and I had so much in common that it was scary, he decided to impart on me some advice. He took me aside one day with no one else there, just him and I.
He said, “Jim, there is one real secret to a happy and healthy marriage. There is one and only one.”
I of course thought I already knew this, having seen clips of Oprah and Dr. Phil on E’s show Talk Soup. I decided to impress my Father-in-Law with my extensive knowledge of the female species. “I know the secret is communication!” I was so proud and thought this would be the end of this conversation and we could talk about things more important like government.
Manny said, “No, communication is important but it is not the secret. The secret is to just do what she says.”
Now I try not to be a Neanderthal here, I was raised better then that, but there is something genetic that gets in the way. Obey?!?!?!?!?! I am not going to let some woman push me around. I am not going to let some woman walk all over me and make me some stupid little puppy!!!! I AM A MAN DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!
He went on to explain, “Just do what she wants. It is just easier for you. You will eat better, you will sleep better and you will have less stress. The truth is son, you are going to do what she wants you to anyway, so eliminate the middle man and just do it. You will have a lot more peace. Besides, I have tried to change me daughter for 28 years and have never been able to do it. I do not think you could either. I know she loves you but do not underestimate the stubbornness of that girl.”
Now, I have to admit that I was surprised and a little bit offended. Surprised because I felt this was a defeatist attitude. We were just giving in to a woman and losing our own right as a man to be dominant! Offended because something deep within me, something that is deep within every guy is the urge to be in control. To be in power and master of all we see. We are taught this from birth. Male dominance is in all forms of education. The church teaches that a woman should obey her husband. They are not even allowed to hold high positions in the church. Television teaches us that women are objects or victims. Men are the ones who swoop into rescue them. When male children see a strong woman on the screen they are often seeing a villain.
So needless to say, I was really taken aback by this statement. I said to myself that this is not the way things will work in my marriage. I will not be walked on or stomped over. So Jane and I were married and the first year we were together was not as pleasant as it could have been. I would like to say it was Jane’s fault but it was not. I was trying so hard to exert my own will on her that I completely overlooked or didn’t care what she wanted. I was just so sure that I was not going to be the one being controlled here.
It was really not until the second year when I had a revelation. I realized the truth in what my Father-in-Law was telling me. He was not saying that I should just be a mindless drone and do whatever she says. He was saying that when you truly love someone, what you want becomes irrelevant. The most important thing is the other person. That when she wants to go to a ballet (thank you Jane for never dragging me to one) and you want to go anywhere else in the world that when you look at the big picture, a few hours at something you find boring and tedious is nothing when compared to the happiness and bliss it brings to the one you love. That fighting over trivial matters is meaningless and petty. All it dose is make you feel more and more defensive and angry. That the most important secret to a long and happy marriage is not a question of dominance and submissiveness but one of caring and understanding. Letting your petty thoughts and your misconceptions about gender go and focus on the one true thing that is important to you.
This makes sense to anyone who has known Jane’s parents. They had a long and happy marriage and they did something I have not seen in the states, or at least seen rarely. They live together happy until death did them part. Her Dad was not a mindless drone to her Mom. However, there is nothing in the world that he would not do for his wife. I strive everyday to live up to that ideal.
The secret to a long and happy marriage is love and caring for one another. I get it now."
Postcript to a Postscript: I was one of the many people who witnessed how Tito Manny loved his wife. We have always wondered how a mom can look so happy, so beautiful and elegant. Tito Manny never failed to show his wife how he loved her. In front of his kids, and in front of his kid's friends. He let her shine. He let her manage her own business, drive on her own, have active roles in organizations -civic or social. He let her have a life of her own. To us onlookers it looked like he spoiled her. Now I understand. He let her enjoy life. She was happy, and he was happy she was happy. Til the day he died.
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