In my Inbox

I saw Sony tonight, who flew in from Sydney for his vacation. Cielo was there, Grace was too. After dropping Sony and getting ready for bed, I looked at my inbox.


"You are looking great! You are doing great!"-Cielo

"Notice how God opens millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds. Don't try to force anything. Let life be a constant letting go and letting God."- Maan

"In facing life's ups and downs. let's always cling to God and dwell on his promises. Lets be like the finest bamboo--bending but not breaking!"- Edith

"Payat ka na ma'am! Hey, madami pa guys kaso sabi nga ni Winnie mas madami na nga girls according to the survey. Makakahanap ka kasi 1. kumustahin ang mga ex 2. maputi ka ma'am, unlike me, maitim. 3. just pray.."- Joyce


" Hi Ma'am Armi. I came across reading your blogspot every night when I relax, and it has inspired me to write again. I hope everything is ok, kaya mo po yan. I understand what you're going through right now. Stay strong.."- K.

Maya Angelou said this: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."


I'm not "out there" yet. Hopefully, when I come out, I will not hear, "Walang gustong bumili ng pechay ko!!"

You made me laugh Sony.

Manila, My Manila Zoo

When i went out to bring our American guests to do store visits, we led them to blumentritt, one of our highest selling stores. Driving to manila from Ortigas took us an hour and while my foreigner guests could look at shanties and makeshift houses under the bridge, they could not get over the traffic. I looked at John as it was his first time in asia, and asked if he was culture shocked from the vendors selling fruits outside the store, or from the sari sari stores i kept talking about in dallas as the more acceptable retail channel, or by the kids calling out to them,"Hi Joe!",.

I don’t know what's going through his mind and I asked Jo, my good Canadian friend if they felt uncomfortable about the third world. She said, "I don’t look at it that way. I realize that it is a different world. People work hard, and it is a difficult life. But you learn from these travels, and you take those lessons with you. You learn to appreciate what you have, and you feel the responsibility to contribute more..” I love Jo.



I remember this conversation as i bring my nephew and niece to Manila Zoo. The last time I was here I felt horrible at the condition the animals were in, and the dilapidated state the zoo was in, yet I felt joy all over from kids who were brought there by their parents in an earnest way to make them feel happy. Up to this day, I remember the times we were brought to the Manila Zoo, the Wildlife Park in QC, Luneta and these are among my most vivid memories. Kids just never forget these things. As I hold Miguel’s hand as we enter the zoo I saw his excitement and when he said,"Cool.Wow, an elephant!". His eyes grew bigger, and he took a step back. I told myself this is so worth missing my yoga class and a few hours of Saturday sleep.



Manila Zoo is in a state of reconstruction, thank you very much to Mayor Atienza. This effort certainly pays forward, as I see kids and parents the same as yesteryears- kids are delighted, and parents mark a positive contribution in the development of their children by painting their childhood memories with love and great experiences. When we were driving back home, Miguel told his mommy,” Love ko Tita Armi. Mahal ko Tita Armi ko yan, “ while Ysa, who doesn’t kiss anyone except her mommy, kissed me and gave me a huge smile, as if to say thank you.

Dallas and San Antonio Texas

Vast, flat and dry.
These are the adjectives my mind conjured after spending a few days in Dallas. Vast lands in Dallas are owned by the old rich, according to my new-found friends from our headquarters. These are the men garbed in jeans, buckled belts, boots, cowboy hat and speaking in the Southern twang but live in huge houses. As we toured the city, I saw some of the houses, which are like churches in size! I imagined for a moment a life in one of those houses. "Big daddy in his cadillac partying with the same rich neighbors. A life certainly different from ours."



Dallas has the most number of pick-ups in all the states of the US, and mostly because this city has farmlands (at Fortworth) and oil. The Dallas Cowboys is housed in a huge auditorium with a large Oracle signage, enough to seat over 60,000 fans who come to town whenever there is a game. People love the Cowboys and are passionate about their sports. Downtown Dallas however is set amidst skyscrapers towering one over the other. Our headquarters is a majestic building set apart from the others because of more land surrounding the building. The opulence is evident in the art collection housed inside the building and the huge executive offices. There is even a winter room just outside the office of the CEO where sometimes hawks would come and rest at one of the gargoyles. The organization is undergoing a dramatic cultural change with a transfer to a smaller building, buyout by the Japanese (the Japs bought out the mother company), and a layout structure where there are no cubicles and staff face one another with the section manager at the far end of the open layout, overlooking his staff- Japanese style.




We didn't get to do much sightseeing in Dallas,nor in San Antonio. All I managed to see was the street where JFK was gunned down, and I saw the areas where the River Walk is done. I would have wanted to see the historic Alamo. The good thing is, I had the best Mexican food ever.
- guacamole (the secret to making this dip is the cumin!)
- burritos
- margarita by the pitcher
- quesadilla
- nachos



I couldn't resist. That's a margarita smile there for you.

Caleruega

He brought me there one time at a stage in our lives when we were both exploring in our minds the idea that there may be something there. I remember being picked up, driven to Tagaytay and like so many times in the years of knowing each other, there was a pleasant surprise. One time I showed him the view of the 20th floor in Ortigas, and he remembered that moment and wrote that to me years later. However, it was him who was always making me notice "moments", oftentimes because of new places he introduces me to. He showed me how to dance, how to feel appreciated, how to love myself and be proud of myself, and he would often tell me how he liked my smile.



So that afternoon he took me to Caleruega to see the Chapel of Transfiguration. I think he was trying to tell me something, or maybe nothing, but he took pictures of me that day. We spent the day talking, but maybe we were asking what was in our hearts that day. We spent a moment in prayer, asking the Lord to guide us, thanking Him for this moment, thanking Him for this friendship.

Later, he showed me the fountain and told me to make a wish. I don't remember what I wished for that day. I think it had something to do with the other man in my life.
I think Robert did not get the sign he was asking for on that December day, but God granted him his wish.

Robert and I have remained friends over the past 13 years. He is among my few friends whom I can literally call for anything. In life, we all need friends like him. Today I opened my email and I saw pictures of his little girl Yonee. He is so proud of her, and she is growing up to be a beautiful girl.

I Am Changing

I was invited by friends to a concert last Friday- the invite said ," A Journey of Hope." With a conscious effort not to wallow in despair, drink alcohol or go out on a date, I decided to go after picking up my car from Honda Shaw. The Jesuit Volunteers of the Philippines hosted a concert honoring its 700 volunteers in the past 27 years with the hopes of continuing its mission of sharing love in far flung places in the Philippines.Youth volunteers spend a year of their time immersed in rural areas teaching,volunteering,praying and in the process,finding and defining themselves. The AFP Theater became the venue for telling the story of these volunteers with Jed Medala, Bituin Escalante,Karylle, Neneth Espiritu singing broadway songs that speak of hope, of finding the path, living in the moment and reaching for our dreams.

Songs from the West Side Story, Les Miserables, The Sound of Music, The Lion King,Phantom of the Opera were chosen to tell the stories of the volunteers. They tell us it is a sad,sometimes sorrowful journey to be away from home,out of your comforts, and on your own, but the desire to help out of love overcomes all these and rewards them with something they will never forget for the rest of their lives. Pictures of volunteers flashed on the screen while they teach kids from around the Philippines, and testimonies from past volunteers tell a story of great character formation borne out of their experience.
"It changed my life. It defined me," said one past volunteer who is now a teacher at Ateneo de Davao. Songs were interspersed with these testimonies while guest singers applauded the efforts of the volunteers in helping spread love. Song after song spoke of hope and overcoming despair. The song that spoke to me most is a song from the movie Dreamgirls, interpreted with the excellent vocals and the soul of Bituin Escalante. The lines are simple, but this song should be heard to appreciate what Effie's character was going through. Bituin was captivating and delivered one of the most memorable performances i've seen in my life.

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

Vancouver

About a month ago, I flew to Vancouver for a very short trip before flying to Dallas. Around six thousand miles from Manila and into a winter weather in beautiful Vancouver, I was expecting to see snow, but snow melted two weeks before I came. At temperatures between zero to seven degrees Celsius, a suede coat and scarf were more than enough to keep me warm. Although Vancouver is too laid back for me, I found it beautiful with snow-capped mountains surrounding the city. There are a lot of Hongkng migrants who moved to Vancouver, and of course, some Filipinos. In fact, our limousine driver is a Chinese from Hongkong, and upon entry into the highway and the downtown area, signboards from Chinese real estate agents dot the city. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and I was surrounded by Chinese waiters who were talking to my Taiwanese colleagues, in Mandarin. The only odd looking person in the group was our host, who is an American.

I meet my bestfriend from college who migrated to Vancouver in 2003 with her husband. They now live a comfortable life in Surrey, with a nice house, and a cute baby. Tito Ren and Tita Precy are also in Canada through Anna's letter to the Canadian embassy to allow her parents to, "see snow". Anna fed us with her salmon and shabu shabu while Jaime regales us with ghost stories. As with fresh migrants from the Philippines, they share their struggling years story,which moves me to laughter... and tears. Jojo is a revelation, he has now become the mega-host. He is passionate, alive, confident. I tell Tito Ren I am surprised at the change in his personality. It turns out that with their move to Canada, Jojo has immersed himself in continuous learning and self-improvement. Jojo shares some knowldge and CDs with me. I think he shared more than that with me. His spirit touched my heart and made me want that kind of rejuvenation.

As we were driving along the highway, I began noticing flocks of birds which seem to be everywhere in Canada. I noticed them fly low, and at one point, I was even able to catch one in my point and shoot digicam. The road is wide, and the cars are few, at one point we were driving in the fog at 6 PM, and it felt eerie, lonesome. Maybe it was just me, but I had a little separation anxiety of the warm sunny blue sky in Manila.

On the road to Surrey I notice the cranberry fields and loved the contrast of its red leaves against the azure skies.

Today

This morning,I find myself getting my Double Gulp (64 ounces) cup,going to the water station and filling up the cup. I timed the effort and noted that it took around 2 minutes to fill up this almost 2 liters of cup. I tell myself to find out if i can finish this amount of liquid in a day,or at the minimum,find out how much water i take in a day.

The other day I was cooking, and I asked my roommate why I was cooking. She said I was doing it for the sake of doing something. She ate what I cooked and amused me with stories about other people.

Car Art

I don't know much about cars, but I do appreciate things of beauty, and so I decided to attend the car art show at the Ayala Museum with good friends Divina, Cielo, Lady and Bob. This is a part of the world tour through international museums and features BMW automobiles designed by artists Ken Done, Roy Lichtenstein, Frank Stella and Andy Warhol.


“I have tried to give a vivid depiction of speed. If a car is really fast, all contours and colours will become blurred”. Andy Warhol is an icon synonymous to pop art and his car is just that- a perfect depiction of his interpretation of a car at speed. I watch in awe at the video as he paints the car himself, taking no more than 24 minutes, translating the cost of the six-cylinder engine to a whopping 10 million euros. This car has a top speed of 307 km/hr, and has raced for the first and last time at the 1979 24-hour race at Le Mans, France.

Although that night, it was more about fashion than the need for speed, I couldn't help but remember about a piece I read many years ago on driving. Etienne Lebrunne wrote that love is like riding a fast car. You feel the rush in your body, the wind in your hair, but you never know when it's going to end. She may leave at some point, leaving you to take the rest of your destination on your own, or it can lead to fascinating discoveries and wonderful memories. We can't control how the journey ends, and so he tells us to enjoy the ride and the memories that will linger after the ride is over.

The car art show is open from March 3 to March 30 at the Ayala Museum in Makati.

Yoga Talk Today, Road Trip Tomorrow

My 7-day yoga trial session ends today. As usual, my entire body yells in pain while my mind screams torture. I do not understand why I do this except it makes me blot out everything for 90 minutes, and I sweat horribly, smudging my vision and smearing the laminated floor. I try to concentrate on my breathing as I hear the frantic beating of my heart after each posture, straining my body to levels I've never done before, putting all my weight in one foot while lifting the other leg up in the air while I squeeze all air out of my abdomen and chest.

At the end of the session, Tessa Prieto- Valdez chats me up, telling me not to use the freight elevator, while I compliment her on her still colorful, yet normal clothing. She laughs and tells me she sometimes wears rhinestones just so she can have something to focus on in class. She's very friendly, and tells me to enjoy my sunday while she heads out to the entrance, and I take the exit door.

I walk out the door feeling lighter and in spite the fact that I am alone and I do things on my own, I didn't feel lonely today. Because today I ran errands, then exercised, went to church, and saw my aunt and uncle who visited me at home, making an effort to make me happy, in spite their troubles.
Because last Friday I was with the company of great friends, friends who will keep me company. There are more events, movie nights, beer or wine nights to look forward to.
Because Saturday was spent delighting my niece and nephew, playing in the park, and yet seeing more friends at the Salcedo market for lunch. There will be many more Saturday mornings as wonderful as these.
Because I have a work which I look forward to- no fears!

Because there are many great days ahead. Time alone is a self-discovery. A path to growth.

I am taking a roadtrip to Batangas one of these weekends, taking the western Batangas road from Nasugbu to Agoncillo. I will do this alone, I can cry if I want to, laugh at myself and sing as loud as I want to along with the music I'll play on the cd player. Time heals. Travel is a therapy.

Where the road leads to, no one knows. Life, like they say, is an adventure.

And oh yes, I'm taking the 30-day yoga challenge.

The Mistress, The Mother and the Mentor

After more than 6 years in the Philippines, C.P. bid me adieux yesterday. As usual, our conversations start off with him asking me if I know of any news or rumors. In fact, he asked me if I knew anyone who was getting something from somebody. When I asked why, he got mad and asked me why ask why, when I knew it was wrong. He told me about this person but I couldn't say anything because I didn't have any idea nor heard any rumor.

He asked me how I was doing, and just like that, my eyes welled up in tears and he began looking for a tissue. I composed myself and told him, it is hard for me. He begins to tell me that the same thing happened to his sister, so his sister left for the States and that is where she met her husband. He tells me about his previous boss whose wife called him early in the week to ask him about her husband's affair here in Manila. He tells me how this affair led his boss to unprecedented embarrassment in his home country where most people learned about it from his previous lover who called the head office to tell her tale, out of revenge.

"So you see, i know it is hard, but even married couples have problems. My wife sometimes does not talk to me for 3 months and tells me to get lost. The other lesson is, you can overcome this, as my sister did, and a lot of other people."
" All the men I know have affairs. The only difference is, some of the wives know, some don't. You see, men think with their little heads. They are like kids. Men actually need mothers as wives, not the mistress. The mother/wife type would tell the guy to go to hell and then go on with their lives if their men can't commit or can't offer marriage. The mistress would always need pampering and need to be secure. Men don't always want that. "
When I pointed out that the reason these unfaithful men stay in their marriage is probably because they have the mistress, he said, "Exactly."

He then paused to think about his life, and wondered aloud," I should have a mistress. I should have another relationship. But the problem is my wife won't leave me...."


I knew there was some truth in his statement, but at the same time know him to be stronger than this, and has actually resisted temptations many times. He told me to let my man go, and if he comes back, then it is meant to be. On the other hand, I should be thankful he did this now, painfully,so I can still meet the right man for me.

" You know, you can be a mistress. "
There was dead air- I was feeling the tension, but there was actually, none. We both know each other so well.
" Either you change your self, or you change the men in your life."
********

At 39, his life is so comfortable even he is half-hearted in returning to his home country. But he said that is why he needs to go back.
" I don't want to go back. I need to go back. When life becomes too comfortable, convenient, therein lies the trouble. You have to live your life by taking risks, by embracing change. If you stick in your current comfortable phase in your life, how will you grow? How will you continue to evolve into someone better, richer in experience, and how can you reach for what is the best for you? Remember that. If there is one lesson in life I want you to remember, it is this. Take risks in your life. Accept, welcome change. "

I tell him he is going to be a great father to his wife's first child, a child after 12 years! What a joy and victory. He expressed disappointment at not having a daughter and kidded that he'd have this with another woman.

Ahh. That's him all right. All talk and no action when it comes to women.

Bikram Yoga

Driving with an open itinerary, I decided to enjoy this Sunday outside with some plans and then none. There were the errands- the bills to pay and the haircut, which were done last week-now the waxing, facials and some office work were in the to-do list today. I needed to take on something difficult, just to take my mind off of things. I did several social interactions the past month, albeit with some difficulty. I still preferred the safety and familiarity of the company of really good friends.

With only half the day gone, and only an address in hand, I find myself driving to my favorite playground, Makati, to look for the Bikram Yoga place in Salcedo (www.bikramyogamanila.com). With a good 30 minutes ahead, I lay my mat at the farthest end of the room (beginner’s place) and wait as Hilary, our yoga teacher sits me down to give an introduction to yoga. With breathing position done, she informs me I will be in a heated room (38 to 48 degrees Celsius) and can’t take water breaks in between postures (ashtana) and I am to expect straight breathing exercises in the first 25 minutes of the program.

With this, I enter the room, composed mostly of women in their 20s, 30s and 40s, and only with 2 guys- a foreigner wearing only a swimming trunk and a man probably around my age. We were 33 attendees in all, and I am the only beginner in the class.
Within 5 minutes I am sweating like a pig. We all were. Putting my weight on my left foot, then all on my right while stretching, reaching for the ceiling, lengthening my spine, bending my back, tucking in all my ten fingers under the heel, angling my left toe to touch my right knee, twisting and pushing all the air out of my body, all I could think of was I can do this, this is hard, but I’ve never sweated this much in an hour of exercise.

Hilary was checking my position and breathing and calls out to the class how to point our toes up while immediately moving from a laying position to doing 2 sit ups. I say to myself I want to do this but an hour and a half seemed so long, and tiring. Before I knew it, Hilary tells the entire class I made it, and we are left with only the breathing exercises. The entire class claps their hand in support. What the heck, maybe I might consider the 30-day challenge if only to block out the sad, pitiful, depressing thoughts that slip in and out of my days and nights.


I can do this.
Little by little, I can let go.
Then maybe one day it will not hurt as much.
Maybe next week I will take a long drive somewhere.
Maybe one day I will not torture myself with questions.
Maybe one day when I look back those years were wonderful memories that meant something not just to me.
Maybe one day I will stop thinking.
Maybe one day I will live, and love again.

Saying Goodbye

how does one say goodbye
to a memory that was once so alive
it feels a part of today?
it's in my heart
so raw, so fresh
but today is not the same.

what does one say
when the other stops loving
and the world has began rotating,
leaving you at a stand still?
i wanted to stay
but he is gone.

how does one let go
when there is still so much love
but no one to give it to?
where does that love go?
cry if you must,
but hope is for the fools.

how do you say goodbye
to all those years- gone in an instant?
do you remember the pieces?
or look back just once more?

Notes from America

I walked the Market Street in San Francisco feeling like one of the locals. Spending dollars on this vacation, I was not so much worried on my expenses as to getting the vibe of San Fo. When friends ask me what I felt about my trip, I said it in many different ways.

You know what being in the first world country means? It means having all the resources from around the world made available only to you.

It meant going beyond the needs and simple wants, but creating an entire industry out of wants.

It meant cringing at advertisements that blatantly display the priceless worth of an engagement ring- a year's wage for some people in my country; almost blindng diamonds and gold jewelry ads that blast the TV screen as valentine's day drew near;it meant gawking at super-sized meals and watching as a lot of food come to waste.

When I asked how they clean their shoes, I was answered that they don't. It doesn't become dirty because they have so many pairs to choose from.

It meant freedom of choice in so many ways. From the local cafeteria where all options for lunch or snack is available for you to mix and match, from the way they prepare their coffee, to the endless options (24 valves for carbonated drinks, 18 valves for a frozen drink and more than 6 choices for coffee) for a quick beverage trip to your local convenience and gas station. The possibilities are endless, and the path is laid before you. All you have to do is to make that decision.

It is the land of the free, and is populated by such a diverse group of people that you wonder how great it would be to have equal opportunities in such a vast nation. You start to think you can be one of them, among the locals, just grabbing a quick dinner before you head off for work, or to a dance practice, or to a talk on some obscure topic that you'd like to attend, just because.

It is a land where the air is cleaner, the wind is chilly, and the people pursue their interests, rather than succumb to the daily grinds of the third world rat race.

Does it make for a better life? Maybe. But that is their home, and this is mine.

Home is when people clap their hands as soon as the plane lands, offering their prayer of thanks. Home hits you when people offer their hand in exchange for a few dollars for getting your bags, pushing your cart, checking your customs slip, looking for lost and found items. Home is when people who greet and meet you are barred from entering the airport. Home is where people who love you greet you and are glad to see you. Home is where the people who really love you hold you in their arms, let you weep, and comfort you in your pain. Home is where your heart lies, and your hopes are build, and rebuilt day in and out.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

This Single's Life

It's raining and I'm Norah Jonesing. I hear the pitter patter of water as it trickles to the ground, some of the mist showering my bed. It is 8:30 PM and I declared it a no-TV night.

I am reading David Sedaris' Dress Your Family in Denim and Corduroy, and I start to look around at my next reading material as I'm about to finish this one. I gather O magazines, the new Condo Central magazine Marissa wants me to review, and other old magazines. At the back of my mind I am reminded of how the food we eat affect our moods, and I know too much sugar is what is keeping me hyperactive and moody. Like smokers who know cigarette is bad for them, they keep smoking anyway because it's cool, I know I should cut down on white rice and chocolates, as the 10 lbs lost can easily find its way to my anatomy in as little as 3 weeks.

"You have it so good, you just don't know it," my married friends with kids tell me when I attend birthday parties of my inaanak. They are of course referring to the no-running after kids, getting to do what you want, whenever you want lifestyle that I and Consuelo have. Smiling is often our appropriate reply, but one time we finally admitted it and said out loud,"Yes, and we do enjoy it."
This is one of those moments. After running errands, going to the cemetery and bringing Mama and Ninang to Tiendesitas for a little merienda and dropping them off to Sta. Mesa, I have my quality time.

Feet propped up in pillows, soft lights and music, a good book in one hand and a stack of magazines beside me, I relished this moment of peace and quiet. My soul breathes and tells me,"We are grateful."
When this moment hit, I got up and chose among my notebooks and cheap pens. I did not want to use the 2005 Griffin and Sabine-inspired datebook from Starbucks, it's so pretty to look at. I run my fingers through the pages of another notebook, this one given to me by C.P. His dedication on it is priceless:

(In mandarin)
"The young one listened to the rain
The flame of the red candle makes the curtain sway

A middle aged man listened to the rain in a boat
The river is so wide and the cloud is near
The lonely bird is talking to the wind
Now listen to the rain in a temple

There is a relationship no matter we are apart or together
When I sit down on the stairway
I remember all the memories til daybreak"

***

It's not always like this. A gamut of rumbled thoughts run in my mind, in flashes. I worry a lot, sometimes. About my brother, my family, my future mostly. I dreamt of Jos a week ago and no matter how many times he has stolen from me, lied to me or broken my trust, I still feel a responsibility to set straight his life. "But you've set him up on jobs, forgave and trust over and over again," my angel said while the other prodded on, "Give him another chance..."

I breathe heavily. It scares me that I have to fight the daily grind and still be responsible for him. Now that I left home, I am less agitated about issues at home, mostly about (implied, never stated) pressures of being the eldest. Not a lot of my peers deal with this, that's why I bloomed late, consciously dated only when I turned 23, but I know the realities of managing the household and the issues of drug addiction. It scares me to raise a family not knowing what kind of pressures I'd bring forth to my children. I want them to have as much confidence, free spirit, easygoing demeanor and respect for other people. Like I said I worry a lot, and sometimes it's hard to compartmentalize.

I am often jolted by Toot Toot saying,"What is it that you really want?" when I start barraging him with anything that crosses my mind. It's harder when you're mostly just texting in a long distance relationship. I end up sending him all my random thoughts, from waking up to a bad dream at 3 AM, to wild thoughts or worries before turning in. I know, it's too much information.

Today I text him

" I love this quiet time in my life hon. This moment is good."

"Good, " he says.

How can I not love this man? He is ever supportive in my endeavors, random thoughts and all.

"Honey I tried belly dancing today and loved it! I think I should buy one of those dangling things you attach to your waist, it creates great sound when I do my hip and waist moves."
"Hon, I want a doggie!"
"Hani, I want a doggie and a baby!"
"Hon, I want a hubby, a doggie and a baby!"

Oh well.

Rock Steady

In a sudden turn of events, much like how life unfolds, Toot Toot's vacation turned into a visit filled with many surprises. It turned out to be a rockband tour of some sorts. We started off with a Thursday meet with Marco who was pleased when I said he reminded me of Toshiro Mifune- Akira Kurosawa's favorite actor. Marco is a musician and a photographer, but keeps his day job as an IT guy. Xaymaca was our destination, although we were planning to go to Makati's Saguio. Still adjusting from his inebriated days in SG, Toot Toot was not able to enjoy our happy ending... with ox brain and liver, that is.


*****
Wednesday turned out well, with what was supposed to be a Vespinoy meet turning out to have Gary V, Rivermaya and True Faith as the backdrop for the EB. I was double booked that night, while I was watching Bimbo Cerrudo's Classico..Classic Ko!, Toot Toot was enjoying his quality time with Mike as they make their way to Metrowalk. Turns out 99.5RT is spending their 3oth anniversary there. It was a pretty cool crowd. Vespinoy came with their rides, Lambrettas and Vespas, some as vintage as 1955. Ron lets me ride his Vespa. Can't believe he's 40. A perfect ending to this beer and music fest is a beef pares fest at 3 AM.

***

I don’t usually attend Oktoberfest because the crowd gets rowdy each year, but this year I made an exception to accompany Toot Toot as he tries to shoot with his new Canon D30. A VIP pass allowed for an all-access entry. I watch as he makes his way onto the stage, clicking away as Rocksteddy, Milk and Money, Brownman Revival, Sugar Free and The Dawn perform. He’s getting better with each shot as he learns to adapt using different lighting, lens and actually using the menu. I find myself assisting him, wondering where all that superhyperactive energy came from. He goes up the stage, kneels, moves forward, goes down, changes lenses, moves back, then up again. Think Tazmanian devil. It was past 3 AM, and even The Dawn concedes with the crowd;Jett Pangan saw the crowd less responsive, wanting more but could not give the kind of energy for him, so after 4 great songs he dismisses the crowd. Toot Toot sees Buddy Zabala, formerly of Eheads, who recognize him from UP org. They exchange numbers and promise to keep in touch.


So we were driving and he was thinking, and he finally blurted it out. I didn’t recognize it, I was in denial. But those were the words. His words.
I said ok.
All weekend he was humming.
And that is the story of how Toot Toot and I became rock steady.

Friends Forever with Ime

Robert and I arrived at the Greenbelt 3 around the same time, parked at the same area but he parked his Club1 BMW faster than I did my Honda HRV. Hey, I was parallel parking- and I'm a girl. Anyway, you can tell when someone is your friend when they'd wait for you and tell you you did a good parallel parking job. Then they'd wait for you while you retouch your make-up before alighting the car. Ha-ha. Women are incorrigible. We have more white matter on our brain cells.
















Cielo: Dinner alert! Ime is here from Malaysia on a limited engagement. Don't miss it! Dinner at MASAS, Greenbelt 3, 7ish PM. Bring your happy self!

Other attendees: Robert (actively dating), Robert (happily married and proud dad), Cha ( still unabashedly madly inlove with her honey, after having 2 kids with him), Ime (the lady/balikbayan of the moment)





We were shocked, amazed at how Ime has lost weight, and looked gorgeous. She really did. This is the reason why we women want to be thin. The chin comes outprominently, making the face look softer, more feminine;the waist creates curves and gives a shapely silhouette- wearing the right dress makes the waist even tinier. Sunken cheeks emphasize the eyes, illuminating the rest of the face. I had the same reaction to a girl from the office who took Reductil 15mg daily for a month, and subsisted on butong pakwan and water when she got hungry. She just looked like a different person, a really lovely girl who took time to create a look- she wore earings and blouses compared to when she just wore jeans, rubber shoes, had no make up on and basically just let herself go. Ok I have to stop raving about Ime, but guys, I have an assignment to search for 2 dates for my girlfriends and 1 gorgeous "young" girl for Robert.

Back to Ime. Even amazing was her story of how she completed a 21 km run, in 2.5 hours in, Malaysia, in what is otherwise known as a HALF-MARATHON FINISH. I've never had a friend who ran the marathon, or half-marathon. We're so proud of her who told us though she kept going to the gym regularly, she didn't touch the treadmill, didn't go on practice jogs, or even a 2-km run. She had nobody to run with (not a marathon buddy, not her sister, not her close friend), just her trainer who literally left her on her own pace. Her officemates in Kuala Lumpur told her they encouraged her, but told her, it will not be surprising if she would not be able to finish her run.

"What kept you going?" we were all eager to hear the story.
"I was tired after running for an hour across the road which was treading up and down a hill, and I asked God why I'm doing this. Why am I running in a marathon, in Malaysia, on a very hot day?" "I could not understand it myself, and when I finished the run, I could not believe I did it. I was only able to do it because I asked God for strength. I prayed and prayed while I ran. Otherwise I would not have finished." Have you ever heard someone tell a story like that? We were in awe.

Later she also told me how her friend from the office supported her with her gym efforts. Her friend was pregnant and does not accompany her to the gym but she would ask how Ime did at the gym that day, supported her in her choice of food and would always encourage her. When Ime went on a vacation in HK and regained the pounds she lost in the gym, the friend did not reprimand her but told her she'd go right back and lose it, and then some more. I thought this was a marvelous friend. A friend supports us in our endeavors, and they are the first ones to realize how important certain things are for us, and they would be there however which way they can, with positive reinforcement, moral support and encouraging words. Ergo, the theme of the night to "bring your happy self. " Stay away from nasty people. If you feel bad being around somebody, that somebody's not good enough for you.


While we partook of the pritchon, sinigang na baka, sisig, bicol express, grilled tuna belly and the boneless crispy pata, the HOTSEAT was thrown from one party to the other. The topic: The Ex

After all these years, we were only able to openly ask and tease each other about the ex without the fear of doing it openly becoming too painful. Any breakup is painful, and our thoughts flowed from one type of breakup to the other.
Can exes become friends?
Why do some people find the need to reach out after a breakup, the nerve, and why being dedma may work.
Why do some people, however good they are, really act like jerks in relationships, in my relationship?
Can one accept an invitation to be ninang to the friend's ex?
Can one accept an invitation to be friendster to the friend's ex?


The whole night was light and enjoyable, we had wine at Uva's which turned out to be disappointing only because they close at 11, so we decided to go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to sit down and cool down. We didn't order this time, and decided to spend the night at Armi's, no Cielo's, no Charmz's place to continue girl talk. We could have yakked all night, but my late nights with Tita Carmina and Tita Vicky (more on that later) were catching up on me, and I finally dozed off at 2 AM. Yobel's whispers and Ysa's "Nanay" woke us up at 6:30 AM, but their kiss and tight hugs made our day special.



MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6945/1374/320/Photo-0010.jpg" border="0" /We thank you Lord God for the gift of friendship, for giving us this wonderful blessing. For this chance to journey through life with people who supported us once when we were young and naive, and still have them with us, supporting and loving us after 16 years.

You have blessed us with good things and plenty, and surrounded our table with friends.

May we continue to inspire and share our goals and accomplishment with others, though this can be few and far in between, and though we are nation's apart. Help us to learn how to become more supportive of our friend's endeavors, and lead each other to a path to growth.

Dog Day Afternoon

Two weeks ago I received a letter from my friend Kaoru, which reminded me of one Saturday afternoon in 2000. Her entire neighborhood planned a barbeque party for their dogs. They usually do this every year, and the spring season is ideal, when its not too humid and not too cold for the dogs to play in the water. We drove for about an hour out of Tokyo to Iwaki river. It was a shallow river, situated below a bridge. The men set up the foldable barbeque table, and started the barbeque. They grilled fresh vegetables like onions and chilli peppers along with the chicken yakitori. This was accompanied by plenty of beverages, teas and softdrinks, along with the Japanese energy drink Pocari sweat.










I remember saying to myself, people back home would envy the lives these dogs live. Monchi, a black newfoundland had been driven in a van because of his size, while Boss the dalmatian was being served with food while her owner's knee-bent. Obaasan (a term for grandma) was playing with her beagle, who had all the play gear. Kaoru has Kelly, a golden retriever who had a good disposition, beautiful coat, and loving family to take care of her.












Kaoru wrote to tell me that Kelly had passed away. She writes in pain.

Kaoru Tanaka wrote:

Armi,

Do you remember our lovely dog Kelly? We went to BBQ together with him and his friends once. Kelly just passed away on Saturday. I don't know how to handle it now. He was my hope to live even. He had a cancer, and we just found that out couple of weeks ago. Then, suddenly he left us on Saturday night alone in the hospital. When he came back to our house, his face was just like he was sleeping. Hope he made his peace with god in the heaven.
Now I am dicouraged to have baby. It is too hard to accept loss or pain of someone who I really love especially when I cannot help them. Also I am scared that making decision for someone, when it effect ones life. I decided to give strong medicin to kill cancer to Kelly. He was suffering a lot last 3 days. I cannot help thinking that that medicin could be a cause of his death. I killed Kelly. Doctor says it should not be the medicin but they don't know either.Anyway, please pray for Kelly that he is peacefull life in the sky.

The Father, The Sister, and the Road to Tagaytay

“Haven’t you had enough introspection?” asked Sony who is now based in Australia when I told him over YM that Consuelo and I were going to this psychogenetics retreat in Tagaytay on a weekend.
“This is a different one,” I say as I try not to be defensive while I searched for that file on Father Ed Fugoso’s psycho-spiritual retreat.
“ Psychogenetics is a scientific approach to understanding the influence of our parents and ancestors in our adult behavior and marital relationships. It was developed in 1992 by Anne Teachworth, my professor at Gestalt Institute of New Orleans. The retreat is a psycho-spiritual experience that will help participants to discover how under stress we regress to the child that we were and how we can cut-off ourselves from negative trans-generational patterns that are not helping in our present adult-to-adult relationships.

Single participants will be helped in choosing correctly their marital life partners and not just automatically fall for the person who will not be good for them. Through the History of Family Origin Test (also called Selection Test) they will know BEFORE and NOT AFTER how their partners will behave after marriage. “ Father Ed’s letter of invitation said.
"See, there's a twist, " and Sony seems to nod in agreement. So like clockwork on a Saturday, I was on my way to Cielo's condo in Makati by 7 AM and we were having breakfast at South Superhighway by 8 AM. We got a call from Father Ed by 9AM, and guiltily, we told him we were going to be late by 15 minutes. Turns out Father Ed was the one who was going to be late.
The Tagaytay we know is the one that has Taal Vista, Bag of Beans, etc, and retreat houses are apparently on the other side of the road. We got lost, but just in time to meet up with the group and have a taste of coffee and kutsinta. Cielo and I, by habit began our ratings.
"Father Ed, how come you don't serve brewed barako coffee anymore? Your retreatants rave about it." What a little tart I am.
"Ah ganun ba? SIge , bukas papagawa tayo,"
"Father, you should change the directions on your invitation. We got lost because we went all the way to Tagaytay Rotonda..." Yada yada yada. We were smart asses.

During the first day, when my tempo had not slowed down yet, Father asked permission from Consuelo and I because we wanted to start the afternoon session at 2:30 PM after a 1 hour siesta, when all others wanted to regroup at 3 PM.
“Kasi ang retreat, rest din for the body,” he explained and we acquiesced. What do we know? Cielo and I are the most punctual people in Pinas.


All throughout Father Ed has that light, knowing, engaging, positive aura. He was just taking it all in, with a smile.
The Road to Emmaus began, and 14 strangers, young and old, married and single, widowed, separated, a guy who was dropped off by his mother at Tagaytay for being a "bum", we were together for a day and a half for a different kind of journey.
****
Later on when we would have coffee with Father, Tita Vickie and Carmina at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, Father Ed was all the more makulit as he shared his insights on the retreat participants. We roared hilariously with laughter, especially when he would join in on our teasing Tita Vickie for being reluctant to cry and shed tears in front of others, for fear of not being in control. You see, the sosyals don’t cry out in public unabashedly. (I think you can not make singhot and bawl like you’re gasping for breath or something- Don’t worry Fr. Ed, Tita Vickie has read this already).

I was also surprised how the retreat became a showcase of Father Ed’s ability to do powerpoint, complemented by downloaded music files of religious songs, or songs like, “Dance with the Father”, and very nice renditions of contemporary songs (Bryan Adams' I Do It For You, for instance) which I saw in a different light. Father Ed had a Sony Vaio laptop, Sony digicam and his own set of amplifiers (or subwoofer). He is a one-man show- he saves more money for the church that way, he said. In spite of new technologies aiding him in the retreat, it did not hinder us from grasping the message he wanted to convey.
***
Luke 24:13-35

We began the retreat with the reading on the Walk to Emmaus. What a different way of interpreting the Bible story. Father Ed made us read one line each, then he began to draw on the board about the scene, the people, the feelings in the story. More and more, as the scene became more visual, the Bible showed how Jesus is a great leader in this story. When Jesus made the men he was walking with feel comfortable, and then they began opening up to him, the turnaround of how he was able to win their trust, then earned him the right to say, “How foolish you are!” It struck a chord. You can’t make people follow you just because of your authority. And how sometimes you can be like that fool, over and over again, in different situations, and yet having the same feeling. We fall, we sin, but if we continue to grow and invite God to be in our house, we can move on to become stronger in our faith, and in resisting being back in Jerusalem and begin our Walk to Emmaus, our walk with the Lord.

*****************
The biggest surprise was taking the Selection Test. We were put under pressure to reveal based on our consciousness, memories of our childhood- what we remember between the ages of 0 to 5, how our parents related as adults, as parents, how we remember our grandparents. This test would reveal what kind of people we would automatically be attracted to, and how the influence of our parents would pre-determine the kind of adult we would become. This forced us to recall very personally our own past. I was blown away at how this personal information made me understand how I role played in my relationships.

I remember my mother as an adult as being “young, vibrant and had a life of her own”. Think this is who I’m predisposed to be? Nah. I am my father’s daughter. I would, however, get attracted to this type of personality, according to psychogenetics. This is my inner mate. Subconsciously I would get attracted to this type of person who would be immersed in his own set of activities, somebody who is strong and confident about his place in the world.
(That is why younger and less assertive men do not appeal to me, I said to myself. That is why when Flor set me up with a blind date with a younger man who was wearing a tie, I kicked her heel under the table and forced her to stay with us throughout the dinner. A-ha.)
The real problem though, is now that I know my father’s image is implanted in me, what do I do? What can I do to change or improve the situation? So that when I deal with my relationships, there would be harmony, and the relationship would grow stronger instead of drifting apart? The keyword is IMPRINTING. This means we have to undergo a role-playing session when others act out for us our life before, and how we’d want to change it.

Fr. Ed’s message is simple; we should learn how best we can protect the Filipino family by trying to understand how we can become better parents. We are better parents by first having a strong relationship with our husband/wife, nurtured by love, and with this, trying to provide the best environment for a child to grow up in. As singles, we can do this by trying to learn more about our boyfriend/girlfriend’s families, and in this manner we can understand each other’s predisposition, and learn together how to interact better with each other. This takes work, practice, commitment and God’s grace.

To learn more about Fr. Ed Fugoso’s psychogenetics retreat, or to volunteer as Fr. Ed’s back-up driver, redo his retreat costing (hindi ba lugi negosyo Father?),be his co-facilitator, set-up his audio visuals, send out CD copies of his retreat song selections, moderate his yahoo group-or even set up a website for his mission, update his joke collection, pray for more people to attend his retreats and share in this mission, or to volunteer to be teased when he agrees to officiate in your wedding ceremony, please contact 0917-541 4330 or send him an email: edfugoso2002@yahoo.com.

Oooh La La Luz

About 120 kms from Manila, Laiya in San Juan Batangas hosts a treasure of resorts that are I think, the best in Batangas. Blue Coral, Virgin Beach Resort and La Luz are among the favorites. La Luz has its charm for its cavanas and tree lined beach. It sits at the far end of the Laiya beach and is a private beach resort where one can wear a 2-piece freely.